Quibbles & Bits
Last week I decided to write a crime fiction story starring a vampire. Having never actually met one in person, I knew I had some intense research to do, and somehow I didn't think Google would fly. So I looked up Vampires in the Yellow Pages. It took 3 phone calls, after midnight, but I finally found one who was willing to talk to me.
Deni: Thank you so much for agreeing to meet me, Mr...what do I call you?
Vampire: Rice. My name is Rice.
Deni: Like, Anne Rice?
Vampire: Never heard of her. My name is Rex Rice, but most people just call me Rice.
Deni: Okay, um, Rice. Thanks again. I really do appreciate it.
Vampire: You're velcome. I'm glad you're a redhead. I love the color red.
Deni: Yes, well, where are you from?
Deni: Not Transylvania?
Vamp: Never heard of the place.
Deni: I've read about vampires, of course, and seen movies. But I had no idea they ... you ... looked so ... well, normal. You could be the bachelor on one of those bachelor TV shows, especially with that chest. Do you wax it?
Vamp: I do.
Deni: And your dimples are to die for. I mean, live for.
Vamp: Out of curiosity, vhat do you write?
Deni: Mysteries, mostly. I was thinking of using a vampire detective. Why are you shaking your head?
Vamp: It wouldn't vork, unless he vorked the night shift. Or if he only vorked on cloudy days. Maybe if he lived in a Lincoln Continental. With tinted windows.
Deni: How about a vampire cop?
Vamp: Same problem.
Deni: I see your point. No offense. I mean, your teeth and all.
Vamp: Freudian slip. Happens all the time.
Deni: How about sunscreen? I was thinking maybe I'd concoct a special, secret, government sunscreen, a la Dean Koontz.
Vamp: Sunscreen might vork, or maybe Mime makeup. Do you have a title for your story?
Deni: I was going to call it 'The Vampire Wore Prada,' but now I'm thinking 'The Lincoln Vampire' might fly.
Deni: Yes, vhat? I mean, what?
Vamp: I thought you were asking if I could fly. The answer is yes.
Deni: That's good to know. It could be an important plot element. Do you change into a bat, first?
Vamp: You've been vatching too much TV. Or too many Bela Lugosi movies. Vy vould I vant to be a bat? All that guano. Ick.
Deni: Sorry. I don't usually stereotype. So, no detective protagonist and no cop. What, exactly would you like to be?
Vamp: Your perp.
Deni: Perp? How do you know that word?
Vamp: Vhat? You think vampires can't read. Some of my best friends are librarians.
Deni: If you were my perp, who ... whom would you kill?
Vampire: Stephen King.
Anyone in the market for a story called THE VAMPIRE WORE SUNSCREEN?
In other news . . .
I've had great reviews and not so great reviews, but in a 15-year-career I've never had a *starred* review.
Starred Booklist review! - It will appear in the July 1, 2007 issue.
This title will publish in August 2007.
The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter. Dennis, Mary Ellen (Author)
Aug 2007. 419 p. Five Star, hardcover
Elizabeth Wyndham is "more likely to be attacked by an army of frogs" than find a husband. Fortunately, she is the star author of Minerva Press, a dubious occupation for a lady in 1787, but it pays her bills, as well as her father's debts. Unfortunately, Elizabeth doesn't want to finish her latest book because she'll have to finish off her hero, too, a man who has dominated her dreams. Rand Remington has returned from the war in the colonies wounded in body and soul. His innocent niece has been hung in his absence, and Rand's revenge against the injustices of the wickedly cavalier upper class is to relieve them of their worldly goods and spread the wealth among the poor. Exhausted from his latest heist, Rand opts to relax by reading a gothic novel by B. B.Wyndham he's stolen from his latest victim. Much to his surprise, the plot and characters evoke an overwhelming sense of déjà vu, and he's driven to meet the author. Star-crossed lovers in a former life, Elizabeth and her highwayman face insurmountable odds. Dennis' wonderful retelling of Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman is, quite simply,
remarkable. ~ Shelley Mosley for Booklist
And a second review, just in [last paragraph]:
The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter engages the reader in an exhilarating romp throughout 18th century England, with adventure at every turn and spine-tingling suspense. Combined with heated romance, accurate historical facts and nonstop action, this book will suit any adult reader. Characters and dialogue are compelling, historical facts not only interesting but fascinating, and the plot one that simply will not allow the book to be set aside until finished. An exceptional, superbly written book. Highly recommended. ~ Christy Tillery French for Midwest Book Review
Over and Out,
Deni, AKA Mary Ellen Dennis