By Barbra Poelle
I have an ever growing list of bizarre things I am told in a pitch. These range from having someone tell me that Jesus told them to contact me (which is odd because the last time we went out for mojitos he didn’t mention her) to being asked out on a date. (Hey, free dinner is free dinner.)
The one that has kind of boggled me that I get more often than I would expect is : “this is based on a dream I once had.” I cannot describe to you how bonkers I feel when I hear that. It is so totally fine if that is the truth- yay, great ideas can come from anywhere!- but don’t tell me that. It makes me feel like next you are going to tell me you can channel dead pets or summon Pan. But in the last few weeks I have definitely heard it more than thrice (I am trying that out) so I decided to put it to the test. Below I have written a brief summary of three books I would like to pitch to you which are based on dreams I have had recently. I had to be a little choosy because 5 nights out of 7 I dream I am swimming or about to swim or am talking about swimming. Which is hilarious to me and will definitely lead to a flurry of googling to see if that represents, like, a secret loathing of intimacy or a subconscious desire to club a seal. I am not sure it means anything more than the fact I love to swim and never get to do it anymore. And the fact that I have an unhealthy and probably detrimental obsession with the lovely Carcharodon Carcharias. In fact, OMG, don’t even get me started on the letter I just wrote to my local news station about their pathetic attempt at sensationalizing a story where some fishermen were in the ocean for, like, 12 seconds, when their boat sank and they showed all of this shark footage and teeth and said AND I QUOTE, “coming up next, the fishermen who were rescued from the jaws of sharks and lived to tell about it”. I sent a SCATHING 2 paragraph email which vacillated between insulting them and informing them of actual shark attack statistics. I read the e-mail out loud to Husband who yelled his patented, “you tell ‘em!” and then he dissolved into gales of laughter when I hit send and he gasped out, “They are definitely sending that one around tomorrow.”
Okay, anyway, so here are three book pitches. The protagonist name and occupation has been changed to fit the tone, but we can all safely assume she is a dashing young woman with a come-hither stare and mustard on her shirt.
Book 1/Literary Fiction
The House of a Hundred Teeth
Child Psychologist Sissy Simonson is invited to her cousin’s house for a 100th birthday party for an aged aunt and finds that her cousin has spent the last 10 years adding a flurry of doors and rooms to the family home. That doesn’t stop Sissy from trying to open as many doors as possible in order to find-what? We never know. The good news is that one of the doors can be opened using her high school locker combination. The bad news is that her teeth are falling out as she hunts and both of her contact lenses have turned into giant ice cubes, which are too cold to put back into her eyes.
Book 2/Comedic Women’s Fiction
Swimming with the Fishes
Ace newspaper reporter Peach Beckinridge is headed home for the wedding of high school chum Bethany Fishes. Although she is certain she is married, she can’t seem to remember her husband’s name or occupation. She turns to a dear friend who is sitting next to her in the church and asks, “Uh, do you know who my husband is?” To which the dear friend laughs gaily and points to the church doors, announcing, “Everyone knows who your husband is!” and in walks Michael Phelps in a unitard. Peach is confused, she is fairly certain her husband is NOT Michael Phelps, but has always wondered if she could take him in the 200 butterfly, so off they go to her childhood home to compete happily ever after.
Book 3/Horror
The Slosh
Film Student Mina Meyers is thrilled to learn that she has been accepted to attend an elite writer’s forum in a small town in California. Mina is especially excited to sit down at the private seminar which features such great minds in literature as the chick that was in front of her at the AMC and an old baby sitter. However, her excitement soon turns to horror when the skylight opens and laser beams emit from the sky, slicing seminar attendees in half, their innards sloshing into the floor, and forcing Mina to run for her life. Mina uses her wits and a toothbrush to outsmart some sort of bug/alien hybrid to emerge into the sunlight where she is immediately quarantined by an army man only referred to as “The Colonel” who bears more than passing resemblance to Rush Limbaugh. Her horror turns to relief as lots of cute army guys begin unloading kitchen appliances and she feels good enough to accept an orange push pop from one of them.
Uh, wow. I stand corrected. These are brilliant! Anybody else care to throw in some of their somnambulist bestsellers?
