Among the things I don't care about, Tiger Woods's sex life ranks pretty high on the list, right around the divorce of Jon and Kate, everything that ever happened on American Idol, President Obama's birth certificate, David Hasselhoff's recording career in Germany (or anywhere else), and Lady Gaga.
But given the amount of media attention that's been given to the golfer's minor fender bender and the subsequent accounts by apparently the entire female population of the United States of sleeping with Woods (when does the guy have time to practice golf?), I've been giving serious thought to promoting my books by plowing the Prius into a hedge and then having some woman claim we had an affair, an assertion that would no doubt send my wife to the hospital with uncontrollable laughter.
A few weeks ago I wondered in this space why anyone would want to read Sarah Palin's (or any other politician's) book. Now, I'm wondering why in the world anyone who isn't married to Tiger Woods would give more than three seconds of consideration to his "romantic" life. Seriously, this is not a question of who cares--it's a question of WHY anyone cares.
There have been espoused everywhere from The New York Times to Fox News (the opposite ends of the journalism spectrum) the usual platitudes about how America loves to build a celebrity up only to revel in that same celebrity's downfall (like they don't love that in, say, France). There have been occasional hints that there might be racial overtones to the fascination. No doubt the New Yorker will find a way that it all signals the downfall of our civilization as we know it due to existential reasoning even the person writing the article won't understand. For 12,000 words.
Oh, please.
Here's the reason people are fascinated with the Tiger Woods story--it's about sex. I know, it's a radical theory, but hear me out. People like to hear (read, watch, think) about sex. And if it's sex involving famous people and misbehavior (that is, for Americans especially, sex outside of marriage), better yet.
Think about it--had you ever heard of Paris Hilton before she was famous for a leaked sex tape? What's Paris Hilton famous for, anyway? Being rich, and having a sex tape. That's it. She hasn't done anything else of note, despite all her attempts. And no, that reality show with Lionel Richie's kid doesn't count. Would Paris have been involved if it weren't for her sex tape? Bingo.
Sex is the area of our society that still holds the most fascination, and that's mostly because we spend most of our lives trying to deny it exists. We walk around in suits and ties (as do men, on occasion) and pretend that we're really preoccupied with business and parenting and social issues and golf (golf?), all of which might very well be true. But we're also pretending that we never think about sex, and that is almost assuredly not.
Consider this: aside from abortion, the most divisive issue in the country right now is the idea that two people of the same gender might want the same right to be married as people of opposite genders. Those in favor of such a condition argue that it's simple fairness, and that we shouldn't discriminate against those who fall in love in ways that the majority do not. There's also the tricky points of inheritance issues and the rights of a spouse in hospitals and after death. Those opposed to the idea claim it's against the Bible, the natural way of things, and will--and this is my favorite part--destroy the idea of marriage altogether. I'm not really clear on how that would happen. Bringing Jackie Robinson to the Dodgers did not destroy the idea of Baseball, so far as I can tell. And if you think there's never been a gay person in professional sports, it must be nice on the planet where you're living.
Nonetheless, the point is that two groups within the same boundaries aren't this worked up about the two wars currently being fought by our own young people, the idea of a fair health care system for every citizen, the enormous economic disaster that has thrown millions out of work or the impending climate disaster that pretty much every scientist on the planet agrees is coming if we don't change our ways, and maybe even if we do.
No, they're worried that two men might want to get married. Why? Because within the idea of marriage is the idea of sex, and we don't want to acknowledge that we think about sex. Especially when it's not the kind of sex we ourselves would like to have.
And so we distract ourselves from the basic argument and we turn to our entertainment comfort zone. For some, that includes athletics. Some people, for reasons I have never completely understood, consider golf an athletic competition. And that leads back to Tiger Woods.
Why do we care? Because it's about sex.
