by Barbara Poelle
I was at a conference recently and a gentleman stood up and said, “I think my daughter would make a great agent; she loves books and is very outgoing. Are there any things she should be focusing on to follow that path?” I quickly flashed through my possible answers:
“Has she had her shots?”
“At what BAL does she have to close one eye to get to the subway?”
“Well, gun running oftentimes has more dignity, and it breaks down the same, percentage-wise….you decide.”
But then I thought about it. Huh. She loves books, and is very outgoing…why an agent? Why not an editor? And even more, there are so many fabulous jobs having to do with the publishing industry, why not one of those? There should be some kind of Myers-Briggs to detect which arena of publishing his daughter would be most likely to find her true calling. (I love Myers Briggs. I bet you can guess my category, or at least the first letter. Please, next to me, Gallagher is an introvert.)
Anyway, so I’ve spent a great deal of time and effort on this, an initial beta test to discover which side of the table you should sit on between editorial or agenting. Please choose an answer that most closely resembles your response. These responses are compiled from ACTUAL people in the ACTUAL intended field, not the sweetbreads lifted from my own skull. Yup. I went all Dr. Poelle up in here, spraying everything down with the stink of science. You’re welcome.
Begin.
1.) If you were a flowering plant what would you be?
a. A little drugstore cacti with the pink flowers—prickly all over, but trying to put a good face on it.
b. A Venus Flytrap.
2.) Generally speaking, when someone hurts my feelings I…
a. Sulk. And fantasize revenge.
b. Call them an unprintable name juuust before the handset makes it to the cradle.
3.) What is the most soothing sound you can hear?
a. The gentle plop of a blue-cheese-stuffed olive dropped into a dirty martini.
b. Anything ending in "ousand dollars"
4.) There is a woman crying on the subway. What do you do?
a. Look away, and then create a whole scenario in my mind wherein she has just been torn from her lover’s arms by her jealous fiancé, who’s stifling her dreams of becoming the most famous beadworker in all of Long Island City.
b. Turn up my headphones
5.) If you weren’t in publishing, the top three industries you could see yourself succeeding in are:
a. Reality television producer; pet sitter; vice president.
b. Nuclear physicist, Navy SEAL, kitten groomer.
6.) Sum up the worst physical confrontation you have ever been a part of:
a. I’m, er, not a fighter.
b. It never gets physical, on account of Glare o’ Death Kitten™
7.) What kind of food do you find off-putting?
a. Bananas. I find them cloying. *shudder*
b. Raisins, because they are dead grapes.
8.) When in a room divided into accountants, public speakers, gardeners, performance artists, and professional chefs, which group would you gravitate towards?
a. The chefs, because they are artists who work in a perishable medium, who hone their skills for years with little reward, and who are dedicated to pleasing the senses.
b. Public speakers, and then after a brief recoil of horror, it's all about the gardeners.
9.) Have you ever committed a crime that would be considered a misdemeanor?
a. Pure as the driven slush, me.
b. Felony or bust, baby.
10.) Ten years I will be:
a. Still reading this blog, but doing so through a chip implanted in my brain
b. Ruling with a velvet hammer
Results:
If you chose mostly a’s, your new favorite color is orange as you will need a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style for your new editorial job!
If you chose mostly b’s your new favorite color is rage and you can happily begin drinking before noon at your new agency position!
There you have it. You can adjust your current resume to include your scientific results from the DPSOS Test* or as it will become known the DIPSAUCE Test, which will soon be required for all Bachelor of Arts Degrees.
(Um, it stands for Dr. Poelle Stink of Science Test. Must I do allll of the work?)
