With Thanksgiving safely in the rear view mirror, and for those of us born into the "chosen" sect, Chanukah coming in a matter of minutes, perhaps this is the time to offer a primer on how to deal for the next six weeks or so with those most tricky of your friends or relatives, the atheists.
FIrst of all, if you think you don't know any atheists, you're probably wrong. Of course, the definition can vary, with people choosing to call themselves agnostics, secularists, humanists and non-believers. All those are completely valid choices for the people who claim them, and they'll get no argument here. But for the sake of brevity and simplicity, we'll use "atheists" as the group of those who believe in humanity and scientific fact rather than any supernatural or religious dogma (that is a paraphrase of the definition used by the U.S. Supreme Court).
Most of the time, atheists go about their business quietly, even as religion in America seems to be getting louder every day politically, culturally and otherwise. Since a relatively recent poll found that Americans would rather see their children marrying essentially ANYBODY rather than an atheist, there's a certain logic behind the rather low volume of most non-believers' discourse on the subject. It's live and let live, for the most part, among atheists.
But in December especially, when people feel the need to include everyone they know in their celebration of one religion-based holiday or another, some believers are squeamish about how to treat the atheists. Do you send a card? Do you invite them to what has innocuously become "The Holiday Party?" Does New Year's Eve count? For those who don't want to offend, it's a problem.
Well, I'm here to help.
Tips For Dealing With Atheists in December
- On holiday cards: If the cards don't have a particularly religious theme (and Santa Claus, having evolved from St. Nicholas, counts), no problem. I tend to send New Year cards, which is sort of hypocritical, but gets the job done and gives me an extra week in which to do it. Cards with bible quotes, depictions of any or all deities, or religious messages, would be in bad taste to send to an atheist.
- On holiday parties: Again, if it's not being held in a church, synagogue, mosque or Wal-Mart, there should be no problem. Atheists like to get drunk and eat foods that are bad for them just like everybody else. And if they agree to show up, they have no right to complain about the stereo in your car playing
- Christmas music: Quite often, this particular element of the "Holiday Season" is out of our control. Radio stations that devote themselves to holiday music (and let's be real--there are no popular Chanukah or Kwanzaa songs) 24/7 during December are played in government facilities like the Post Office, and short of a pointless and expensive lawsuit, there's little stopping it. If your atheist pal asks for a lift to the holiday party, however, you might want to stick to secular CDs in the car just as a gesture of friendship. You can play the other stuff later. Yeah, I know I just said they shouldn't complain, and they shouldn't, but it's a nice gesture nonetheless.
- Online: Here's where things get dicey. It would be nice, in the spirit of doing unto others, if we were to agree that there are at least some atheists reading online lists devoted to, let's say, crime fiction. So scaling back the scripture quotes on your signature line, while seeming to encroach on your free speech, might be a polite thing to do, as would avoiding ending each post with "blessings." That's just a suggestion. Keep in mind that the atheists are refraining from ending each post with the signature line, "There is no God. Get over it."
- Online Part 2: For those of us who are non-participants in Christmas, it is silly to ask what our favorite Christmas song, Christmas TV special,
or Christmas movie might be. We don't have one. Although I do like to occasionally put on Jose Feliciano's rendition of "Feliz Navidad," because most of it's in Spanish so I have no idea what's being said, and because Jose seems to be having such a good time. And I like Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol because it's funny and, let's face it, has nothing at all to do with religion.
- It's important to keep in mind that most atheists DON'T want to stop you from having a good time. On the contrary. But it is at worst polite and at best in the highest spirit of all religions to accord respect to everyone. While our society bombards us with holiday brouhaha, keeping those with a different belief--that is to say, none--in mind should not be a limitation, but, you should pardon the expression, a blessing.
These have been suggestions. The staff and ownership of HEY THERE'S A DEAD GUY IN THE LIVING ROOM are not responsible for the nonsensical ravings of the lunatic mind that blogs here each Monday.
Have a happy last month of the year, everybody! Except those who observe another calendar. You guys just have a good time, okay?
