Quite some time ago, at least by my compass, a psychologist named Elisabeth Kubler-Ross made a perennial pest of herself by dividing the process of dying (or grieving, depending on who's doing the explaining) into five stages. Dr. Kubler-Ross, who died in 2004 but unfortunately did not mention at the time whether she was right or not, decided that the process would be delineated as follows:
1. Denial ("I'm not dying.")
2. Anger ("Whose fault is this?")
3. Bargaining ("If I can just live to see my daughter's grandchildren get old...")
4. Depression ("Man, dying is a bummer--got a Xanax?")
5. Acceptance ("Bring it on").
You have to wonder where shooting victims find the time.
Not terribly long ago, and certainly after Dr. K-R left this mortal coil without disclosing her findings from the real deal, I was asked by a ghostwriting client to extrapolate the doc's theory into another realm as a book proposal. Now, grafting the process of death onto anything else hardly seemed like an entry to bestseller territory, but it wasn't my book, so I gave it a shot. Shockingly, the book didn't sell so fast it would make your head spin.
But given that I'm not trying to sell anything on this blog, perhaps it would be interesting to take the doc's formula and apply it to the process of writing and publishing a mystery novel. (Perhaps not, but hey, it's Monday and I have to post something...) Let's take a look:
1. Denial: A more cynical author might suggest that this step should be moved to the spot after an editor gets a chance to read the book, but I'll disagree. The kind of denial I'm thinking of here takes place in the author's mind: "I'll never get through this book." Oh, shut up. You will too. Just sit down and write 1000 words a day. In three months or less, you'll have a draft. Unless you're writing the Gone With the Wind of mystery novels.
2. Anger: A more cynical author might suggest that this step should be moved to the spot after an editor gets a chance to read the book. No. The anger here is at oneself. Why? Because any author worth his/her salt (or any other condiment) gets to the end of the writing process incensed with him/herself for screwing up that great idea s/he had before beginning. That's why we invented rewriting, pal--go back and fix it.
3. Bargaining: Yep, we've sent that puppy out to an editor now. Bargaining comes in any number of forms: First, the author tries to strike a bargain with an agent, and after that fun-filled process has been completed, editors are contacted, and some might actually even want to read that manuscript. Some of the bargaining is between the author and his/her own mind: "If this one sells, I swear I'll shower every single day while I'm writing the next one." Then comes the bargaining between the agent and the editor, assuming there's interest. That's the fun part, mostly because we never get to hear about it until it's close to over.
4. Depression: Something that happens when we read our newly signed contract and realize that it will be a miracle if we ever see a dime in royalties from this book.
5. Acceptance: That first copy of that first book arrives in your hand. To hell with the money. Who cares about the difficulty of the creative process? What difference does it make if your blood, sweat and tears will end up in the racks of a used book store by this time next month? This moment makes it all worthwhile--let me get back to my word processor.
A note to our American readers: Tomorrow is Election Day. Do us all a favor. Vote. Don't vote because you want to "teach them a lesson," or because your cousin still hasn't gotten a new job. Don't vote for one candidate over another because you heard one was a member of a different religion, because one once went to a convention of Druids or because one is not a fan of the proper "Star Trek" franchise. Don't try to punish the politicians, because they're not going to change, and don't vote for someone because they're a "Washington outsider" alone. A lack of experience is not the best resume credential.
Take a look at the two, three, or however many candidates there are on your ballot. Try to decide which one is going to do the job they're seeking--voting for or against stuff on your behalf--in the way that you would do if you were there. And vote for that one.
But vote. "But the polls say my candidate's going to lose." Sure, if people who actually support that person stay home. "It's not the Presidential election; what difference could it make?" An enormous difference, no matter which side of the fence is yours. "Ah, they're all the same." Oh no, they're not. Not even close. Go vote. Tomorrow.
