Denise Dietz
Peeps, it's been a while since I've played guest blogger, so let me re-introduce myself. I'm Denise Dietz, also known as Deni, also known as Mary Ellen Dennis, also known as "Hey, didn't I meet you at a conference in 1997?" I'm the author of 15 books, but FOOTPRINTS IN THE BUTTER - 
an Ingrid Beaumont Mystery co-starring Hitchcock the Dog - has the most interesting history. It began as a Hard Shell Word Factory ebook and was picked up by a hardcover publisher. Reprinted as a mass market paperback, it eventually went large-print. Now it's available as an ebook again (at Kindle and other e-venues), and next month it will come out as a full-cast audio with an original song by singer/ composer Bill Royal. While I'm waiting for Hollywood to call, I thought it might be fun to interview the protagonist, Ingrid Beaumont, a failed idealist who said she'd talk about anything except her failed idealism and her top-of-the-charts anti-war song, "Clowns." However, she promised to answer all other questions. . .
Question: Ingrid, could you tell us - briefly - what FOOTPRINTS IN THE BUTTER is about?
Ingrid: Briefly, my childhood chum, Wylie Jamestone, gets himself killed. In order to solve the crime, my dog Hitchcock and I must survive elephant jokes, poison, Houston traffic, and Charlie Bronson's booby-trapped pantyhose.
Ingrid: Briefly, my childhood chum, Wylie Jamestone, gets himself killed. In order to solve the crime, my dog Hitchcock and I must survive elephant jokes, poison, Houston traffic, and Charlie Bronson's booby-trapped pantyhose.
How did Hitchcock get his name?
I was born inside the Chief Theatre, delivered by an usher. My mother was watching 'Notorious,' starring Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman, when she went into labor, and she refused to budge until the movie ended. My dad wouldn't let Mom name me Cary, so she chose Ingrid.
Right. So how did Hitchcock get his name?"
'Notorious' was directed by Alfred
What does an Alfred look like?
I don't want to piss off any Alfreds who might read this blog, so ask me another question.
Okay. What breed of dog is Hitchcock?
Part Irish Setter, part Labrador Retriever, part Great Dane, and bigger than my couch.
Is he dangerous?
He has a tongue the size of a skateboard and might drown you by licking your face, but to my knowledge that hasn't happened. Yet.
Is he smart? You know, clever?
<hesitating> Yes.
The truth!
The truth? Hitchcock only knows eight commands, and responds best to baddog, gooddog, and getdownoffthecouchyousonofabitch. He can't catch a ball unless you wedge it between his jaws, and if you want him to leave the room you point and yell, 'Chase the cat!' He'll chase a cat, even if there's no cat.
Part Irish Setter, part Labrador Retriever, part Great Dane, and bigger than my couch.
Is he dangerous?
He has a tongue the size of a skateboard and might drown you by licking your face, but to my knowledge that hasn't happened. Yet.
Is he smart? You know, clever?
<hesitating> Yes.
The truth!
The truth? Hitchcock only knows eight commands, and responds best to baddog, gooddog, and getdownoffthecouchyousonofabitch. He can't catch a ball unless you wedge it between his jaws, and if you want him to leave the room you point and yell, 'Chase the cat!' He'll chase a cat, even if there's no cat.
If he isn't smart, why do you use him to help you solve crimes?
Excuse me! I don't solve crimes. If you must know, I'm the quintessential amateur sleuth. I enjoy riddles, but I never can figure out whodunit when I read mysteries or watch movies. Well, once. An episode of 'Murder She Wrote.' But that was a lucky guess, and Jessica Fletcher practically thrust the clues under my nose. On the other hand, Hitchcock growls every time a TV perp appears, so maybe I don't give him enough credit.
If you hate to sleuth, why did you solve the mystery in FOOTPRINTS IN THE BUTTER?
I had no choice. The corpse told me an elephant joke, then left me an enigmatic clue.
Could you elaborate, please?
Don't you know what an elephant joke is?
Sure. It's a knock-knock joke without the knock-knock.
Well, the corpse, artist Wylie Jamestone, asked me how to make a statue of an elephant.
A corpse spoke to you? Are we talking woo-woo here? Or Sunset Boulevard?
He was alive when he asked. But before he could give me an answer, his wife dragged him away, and the next day someone bashed him over the head with a reproduction of Rodin's 'The Thinker.' Then, to add insult to injury, a note tacked to Wylie's latest canvas said: 'Give this to Ingrid. Let the treasure hunt begin.'
His latest canvas? A painting?
Yes.
Who was on the painting?
A famous blonde.
Don't you know what an elephant joke is?
Sure. It's a knock-knock joke without the knock-knock.
Well, the corpse, artist Wylie Jamestone, asked me how to make a statue of an elephant.
A corpse spoke to you? Are we talking woo-woo here? Or Sunset Boulevard?
He was alive when he asked. But before he could give me an answer, his wife dragged him away, and the next day someone bashed him over the head with a reproduction of Rodin's 'The Thinker.' Then, to add insult to injury, a note tacked to Wylie's latest canvas said: 'Give this to Ingrid. Let the treasure hunt begin.'
His latest canvas? A painting?
Yes.
Who was on the painting?
A famous blonde.
Marilyn Monroe?
No. That would be too obvious.
Changing the subject, a reviewer once said she'd like to eat crackers in bed with Ben, your boyfriend.
Ben's not my boyfriend. He's my significant lover.
I was being tactful.
By telling me that another woman wants to eat crackers in bed with my boyfriend?
No. That would be too obvious.
Changing the subject, a reviewer once said she'd like to eat crackers in bed with Ben, your boyfriend.
Ben's not my boyfriend. He's my significant lover.
I was being tactful.
By telling me that another woman wants to eat crackers in bed with my boyfriend?
Never mind. Forget it. Next question. Ben's a veterinarian. Please tell us what you do for a living?
I won the lottery and I live off the interest.
I won the lottery and I live off the interest.
The truth!
Would you believe I'm a published author?
No way! You can't earn a living as a published author.
No way! You can't earn a living as a published author.
Okay, okay, I'm a gourmet cook.
Really?
No, not really. I burn water, and despite the title, there are no recipes in FOOTPRINTS IN THE BUTTER. Actually, I score movie soundtracks. Right now I'm working on 'Phantom of the Amusement Park.' Problem is, everything I've written lately sounds like Andrew Lloyd Webber.
That must be fun. Scoring movies, I mean.
Try scoring your umpteenth 'Chain Massacre' or 'Jaws' rip-off. When I grow up, I'd like to be John Williams. Or Paul Williams.
When you grow up? How old are you?
You're kidding, right?
No. You promised you'd answer all my questions.
I'm in my fifth decade. And if you say I look good for my age, I'll sic Hitchcock on you.
I thought you said Hitchcock wasn't dangerous?
He can be bought. With doggie biscuits. The thing is, when people tell you how young you look, they're also telling you how old you are.
One last question. Did you ever think about owning a cat?
One doesn't own a cat. A cat owns you.
But mysteries with cats seem to do very well.
I told you! I'm not a sleuth!
Ah, but I'm sure the day will come when you'll 'have no choice' again. Your creator, Denise Dietz, let slip that she's working on a sequel called 'The Lollipop Guild.'
That must be fun. Scoring movies, I mean.
Try scoring your umpteenth 'Chain Massacre' or 'Jaws' rip-off. When I grow up, I'd like to be John Williams. Or Paul Williams.
When you grow up? How old are you?
You're kidding, right?
No. You promised you'd answer all my questions.
I'm in my fifth decade. And if you say I look good for my age, I'll sic Hitchcock on you.
I thought you said Hitchcock wasn't dangerous?
He can be bought. With doggie biscuits. The thing is, when people tell you how young you look, they're also telling you how old you are.
One last question. Did you ever think about owning a cat?
One doesn't own a cat. A cat owns you.
But mysteries with cats seem to do very well.
I told you! I'm not a sleuth!
Ah, but I'm sure the day will come when you'll 'have no choice' again. Your creator, Denise Dietz, let slip that she's working on a sequel called 'The Lollipop Guild.'
Well, there you go. I'm no Munchkin. Neither is Hitchcock. And why does she always put food in her titles?
