There was a Page One story in the New York Times last week suggesting that one candidate for U.S. president (I'm not naming names, but the candidate in question is named for something John Cleese once claimed to have been turned into by a witch) was in fact squeezing the whole running-for-office thing in around his book signings. It was also speculated earlier in the campaign (when a certain ex-pizza-executive was still in the running) that another was selling books while making stump speeches and doing national TV interviews.
What a brilliant maneuver. You sell your books while making a half-hearted effort at running for office, getting your name, your face (and your book) all over the media and selling a whole bunch of hardcovers in the process. You face ridiculously high odds against ever taking office, but your book will hit the bestseller list in no time flat.
So today, my fellow Americans (and those dropping in from any other point on the globe, or Venus, or wherever), I am announcing my candidacy for the presidency of the United States. And while we're at it, why not take a look at the Haunted Guesthouse Mystery series and a few others? You can find them here at the official campaign site.
My platform is simple: I have no chance at all to win. Part of the problem (beyond the fact that I've never held any elected office nor sought one, and that nobody on the planet has ever heard of me, and that I am uniquely unqualified for the job) is that when asked a question, I will generally answer, and that apparently is taboo in the politics biz. I also have actual positions on issues, which I will not detail here because people get prickly about such things, but I'll tell anybody who asks exactly what they are.
Some planks in my platform:
- Buy my books.
- Everybody should be treated fairly.
- Bad people shouldn't be treated as fairly as everyone else.
- Buy my books.
Simple, understated, and yet without substance whatsover. But like I said, I have no chance of winning and don't really want the job, so it's no harm, no foul. Also, unless they move the White House to New Jersey, it's unlikely my family and I will move. My daughter goes to Rutgers, and we need those in-state tuition rates.
At every campaign stop, I will be happy to sign any copy of any of my books that anybody wishes to buy. And please, if you feel the need to donate to the campaign, go ahead and buy some books. You won't just be helping the future of our great country--you'll be contributing to the American higher education system. Believe me.
It's about time we had a president with a stronger sense of humor. I like the current guy but hey, his books don't need any help. So I'll be starting off my campaign in February--a trifle late, but publishing is a tricky game--once OLD HAUNTS (and you can read the first chapter here) is published. Date and time to be determined.
God bless you and god bless the United States of America. (When you're running for president, you have to say that wherever you go: "Here are the keys, valet. God bless you, and god bless the United States of America").