I'm working on something now that I'm not going to tell you about, but let's say that one of the things it deals with--and I have no idea if you'll ever get the chance to read it--is the relationship between entertainers and those who appreciate the entertainment.
I have written very few fan letters in my life. To Mickey Mantle, when I was six, or maybe seven. To Paul Simon, around 1980. Not sure if there's ever been another. (Mr. Simon was nice enough to have his assistant answer; Mr. Mantle, not so much). So I sort of understand the impulse, but haven't really felt it in a very long time.
But it leads to the question when a fan gets in touch with an author, for example. What does the entertainer owe to the people who read, watch, or listen to his/her work?
There are many schools of thought. A book I'm reading now describes the procedure that went into answering Groucho Marx's fan mail in the 1970s. Groucho responded to all the mail he got, through an assistant, but with a handwritten autograph each time. I could have been one of those fans. I wasn't, but I could have been, and would have appreciated his philosophy.
On the other hand, celebrities will often complain--some less fervently than others--about being bothered while eating dinner in a restaurant, or while in the restroom. I can see their point, as well.
So I think that, with my fan base now boasting well more than six people, I'd like to detail precisely the responsibilities I think author and reader have in this odd relationship.
Author/Reader Contract
Author: Jeffrey Cohen/E.J. Copperman
Reader: Your Name Here
Author promises:
1. When you read my work, you will always get my best effort. Maybe you'll think one book or another is better or worse than the rest, and maybe you'll be right, but it won't be because I wasn't trying. That was the best book I could write at that moment.
2. When you get in touch with me, I will treat you with respect. I might be sarcastic, but to a certain extent, I think that's expected of me these days. I'm from New Jersey. Suffice it to say, I appreciate every reader.
3. If you think I won't be taking your email address to send you future news on my work, you're just being naive. I will. If you prefer I don't, say so and I will remove your name from any email list. I also won't send a newsletter very often.
4. I will not give you something you don't expect. I'm not saying all my work will be the same, but when I vary from what you're used to, I'll make sure it's clear I'm doing so. I'm not trying to trick anybody.
5. If we meet at a convention or a signing, I will be thrilled to see you and hear that you've read my work. I do not promise to remember your name. This is because I'm terrible at remembering names. It is absolutely not personal.
6. I will not present a murderer who appears for the first time in the last chapter. For one thing, it would piss me off if someone did that in a book I was reading. For another, my editor wouldn't dream of letting me.
7. I will endeavor to give you fully realized characters, interesting plots, sharp dialogue and even catchy titles. The key word here is "endeavor". If your opinion is that I didn't succeed, see promise #1, above.
Author requests of reader:
1. Please read the books.
2. Don't suggest what should be in the next book. For one thing, by the time you read this book, the next one's probably written, so that can't happen. And besides, this is my job. I won't tell you how to do yours, and I don't want to steal your ideas anyway. Write them in your book.
3. If you see me at a convention, please come over and say hello. Just not in the restroom.
4. If I'm going to be signing at a bookstore/library/convention/street corner near you, please try to come by. It gets lonely when you don't. And it doesn't help me make friends with the booksellers.
5. Buy the book. Don't ask me for a free copy because "you must have a lot of them." I love libraries, and use them myself for expensive hardcovers, but my stuff is published as paperback originals. I realize money is tight, but the thing is $7.99, usually discounted, and I have two kids in college. At the same time.
6. If I'm signing your book and you want me to write something in particular as an inscription, please speak up. I honestly don't know by looking at you that you'd like it to say, "Yours in Wicca, E.J. Copperman."
7. Feel free to email me, but let's make it about the book, okay? I don't have any recipes to share. And if you really hated the book, well, you can still email, but seriously, why would you want to? Do you think I'm going to take your argument to heart and quit the writing business?
8. Please don't blame me for a cover you didn't like, or typos in the book. The cover: I don't get to decide (see previous tirades on the subject of a black cat). I happen to think the cover of OLD HAUNTS (left) is terrific, but I sure as anything didn't design it; look inside to find out who did. Typos: Yes, I look over the proofreading after the copy editor gets to see it, but you know what? We're human. We miss stuff. We're not trying to get it wrong, and we really do know the English language. It was a mistake.
9. Don't ask me to write faster. I write pretty fast. They don't publish that fast. It's out of my hands.
10. Please, go out (or stay in) and buy OLD HAUNTS in 15 days. I prefer you buy it at an independent bookstore, but any purchase is, believe me, greatly appreciated.
Signed on this date: Jeffrey Cohen
Reader:
Okay, please sign that and get it back to me ASAP, okay? If there's language you don't care for (that is, if you think authors owe you more), please comment below with your revisions. I'll have my people call your people.
P.S. Pitchers and catchers report in 27 days.
