I'd like some food. Do you have food? Chicken is best, but any meat will do. Cheese is good,too. Just no bread and no vegetables. I'm not crazy for peanut butter, but cream cheese is AMAZING! Do you have food? Will you give me food?
I have been asked what it's like to live with a mystery author. I have no idea. Is that what the main male is doing all day with his back to me? His dog? It's very rude. I don't actually read books because they are written for humans and require opposable thumbs to read, and besides, they smell like paper, which is fun to tear up but not to eat. Do you have any food?
Before I lived in this building I spent a year in another place where there were many other dogs. The people who worked there weren't mean to us but they didn't care about us very much. They all looked the same because their outer fur was the same. I don't see color well but I could tell they were all in the same tint. Every once in a while one of them would pay attention to me and then I would sleep for a time. Sometimes I'd feel strange after that. I don't remember much about it.
After some time--I don't really remember how much--I was taken in a van to a separate building filled with smells. I could tell many other dogs and some cats--I'm not at all fond of cats--had been here. There was the smell of food and of some interesting things to chew. Many of the other dogs from my first building were there. People came through who were not the people from my home, and many of them stopped to pet me. A few even picked me up and held me.
One of them was the main male, who was there with the main female and the second male and female. They spoke to the woman who had brought me to this place, but then they left. It was quite confusing.
Some time later--it might have been days--I was brought back to the building with the interesting aromas and the people I had met returned. This time we left together and I was taken to my home, where I have now lived for a much longer time than either of the two other buildings.
Do you have any food?
The days here are very stressful. I walk down the stairs each morning when the main female leaves her sleeping area and I lie on the couch for an hour or so until the main male asks if I want to go outside. I do, so we leave and smell the area. Other things happen and then we return, at which time I get a treat.
I love treats. Assuming they're the right ones.
Then it's time for some more lying on the sofa or on the floor if the sun is hitting that area. I stay there until the middle of the day, when the second male usually asks if I want to go outside. I usually do, so I smell more areas and get another treat.
Occasionally, however, I am subjected to the ultimate indignity: I am lying on the sofa, minding my own business when a large van pulls up outside the building where we live. A man comes and, no matter how I protest, forces me into a place where water and soap are rubbed all over me. Then he waves a loud instrument at me and air pushes my fur. It's horrifying and I spend much of the rest of the day--after being returned to my home from 20 feet away--watching to make sure the man is not coming back. He does not. That day. But I never know when he will return.
I spend most afternoons on the sofa, at which time the main male is sitting with his back to me and doing whatever it is he does. He does not make an interesting noise or smell especially unusual, so I tend to relax.
The main female (and sometimes the second female, who is here only occasionally now) will take me outside for a longer time to smell the area.
Then it's back to the building and the sofa, where I fall asleep from all the activity. But I will not sleep on the sofa all night because my pack is upstairs and I refuse to climb the stairs myself. The main male must carry me to my upstairs bed where I will sleep until the main females leaves her sleeping area and the next day begins.
And that is what it is like to live with a mystery author. Will you give me food?
The main male says to tell you that pitchers and catchers report in 15 days. Do you have any food?