and...
Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
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Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
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Hi from Deni, guest blogging for Robin.
Since I have a bazillion deadlines---and, boy, do I know why they're called DEADlines--- I thought I'd blog about the items on my desk. Which, of course, I'm looking at as I write this blog.
I think writing should be fun, so the items on my desk tend to make me smile. First and foremost, one's gaze is drawn to a statue of Edgar Allen Poe, looming over a red Staples "That was easy" button.
I have two personas. Denise Dietz writes mysteries that have no socially redeeming values whatsoever, and Mary Ellen Dennis writes historical fiction that is ageless. Deni's mysteries and Mary Ellen's historicals always include romantic elements, inspired by their mutual best friend, lover and husband, Gordon Aalborg. Gordon's office is upstairs, in the loft, and he often sends Deni emails suggesting they meet for coffee (in the kitchen). Meanwhile, his photo graces her desk, along with Cat Tracks, Deni's favorite "Gordon book."
Deni has a wonderful photo of her actress sister, Eileen Dietz, who played the possession scenes (and The Demon) in "The Exorcist" and inspired Deni to write Fifty Cents For Your Soul, which Publishers Weekly called "Hollywood noir."
Deni likes to listen to show music. On her desk she has a stack of CDs that include Les Mis, Candide, Once Upon a Mattress, Phantom of the Opera, and a dozen other Broadway shows. She also has the Dixie Chicks, Harry Chapin, and Barbra Streisand. Mary Ellen prefers Celtic music and drove Deni daft by listening non-stop to Loreena McKenna's "The Highwayman" while writing The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter.
Mary Ellen has a huge framed poster of Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of The Mohicans. Deni, who once sang professionally and had a reviewer compare her to Judy Garland, has Judy Garland memorabilia. Deni's poster shows The Wizard of Oz's Dorothy in a biker bar, with the caption: TOTO, I DON'T THINK WE'RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE.
Deni and Mary Ellen share the same desk. Aside from their individual piles of research books, photos, notebooks and scrap paper, aside from their computer screen, keyboard, modem, phone and printer, they share a stuffed "deadline vulture" that perches on top of the modem. Deni named it Michael Seidman after her first editor. Deni and Mary Ellen share a heavy rock, ostensibly a paperweight, that has CREATE chiseled on its surface. They also share a small ceramic tortoise; it reminds them that if you only write one page a day, by the end of the year you'll have written a book. Both write more than one page a day. Deni likes the stress of deadlines, Mary Ellen prefers to finish her manuscripts before she sends them to her agent (they share the same agent). Deni owns a small ceramic frog in a witches hat, seated behind a crystal ball. The frog inspires her to write Toe of Frog (AKA "The Da Vinci Toad"), her sequel to Eye of Newt. In that book readers will meet a reincarnated Rottweiler who is afraid of doorbells and songs from the 1970s.
Leaning against the wall is Deni's Lamb Chop hand puppet, given to her by a fan who read Chain a Lamb Chop to the Bed, the third Ellie Bernstein "diet club" mystery (the 4th in the series, Strangle a Loaf of Italian Bread, will be out in May).
Finally, Mary Ellen collects angels. Her favorite angel holds a piece of paper with a Luciano de Crescenzo quote: "We are each of us angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing each other."
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Deni Dietz's QUIBBLES & BITS
Responding to critics of Carnal Knowledge, Mike Nichols said, "A critic at a movie is a eumuch at a gangbang."
Which made me think. . . How many times have we banged our heads against our keyboards because the person who reviewed our books didn't "get it"?
Or, even worse, didn't read it!
Or was just plain nasty.
When my historical romance Dream Dancer came out, a reviewer whom we'll call "Ms. Axtogrind" attacked me, personally (in print, of course), then said the hero of my book had burned to death in a circus fire. I don't think I'm giving anything away when I say my hero did not die. Ms. Axtogrind was fired shortly thereafter, but I'm fairly certain her review impacted my sales. I mean, would you read a romance where one of the protagonists burns to death? Joan of Arc, maybe.
I threw the question up for grabs on some of my email loops. The have-you-ever-had-a-quirky-or-nasty-review question, not the would-you-read-a-romance-where-the-protag-meets-a-fiery-death question, and I've culled some of my favorites:
Jack Williamson, a science fiction author, got a review which said he wrote like a comic strip writer. Someone saw that and hired Williamson to write a sciece fiction comic strip called "Beyond Mars."
Author Tod Goldberg says: "Sadly, the fine folks at PW have not yet been kind enough to provide me with the home address of the person who wrote of my debut novel, Fake Liar Cheat: 'Goldberg's smarmy, self-congratulatory debut novel breaks little new ground in its quest to debunk shallow American notions of celebrity, materialism and self-fulfillment.'"
PW wrote much nicer things about Tod's next book, but he says, "In my heart, Publishers Weekly will always be the people who notified the world that I was smarmy and self-congratulatory. And I thought I did that pretty well by myself."
Writing about John Westermann's novel, Exit Wounds, a reviewer said: "Clearly the author has never been inside a police station. His policemen are vulgar and crass."
Westermann, who spent 21 years as a cop, says, "Crass and vulgar? Some of my people considered it an art form."
Greg Herren says: "The one thing the reviewer harped on (regarding Murder in the Rue Dauphine) was that 'outside of the main character, Herron doesn't get inside the heads of his characters. It would have been nice to know what was going on inside their heads as well.' Considering the fact that the novel was written in first-person and the main character wasn't a psychic, I kind of scratched my head over that one."
In a review of an anthology of Civil War spy stories, the reviewer assumed Patti (P.G.) Nagle's story was a romance because it its title, The Courtship of Captain Swenk. "He obviously hadn't read the story," Patti says, "because it wasn't romantic at all. The Captain is courting an old battleaxe widow as an excuse for spying activities."
Janet Dawson's PW review for Where the Bodies are Buried sniped at her because her heroine/sleuth, Jeri Howard, didn't figure out who the killer was until the end of the book. "As though there would have been a rest of the book if Jeri had figured out whodunit in the middle," Janet says. "Please! That was the most idiotic hatchet job I've ever seen."
The same week the New York Times called Robert Rosenberg's first book, Crimes of the City, the most notable thriller of 1991, the reviewer in Ha'arentz said it was a cartoon.
"But I think the reviewer issue should be put in perspective," Robert insists. "While my agent was trying to sell my first book, I kept asking for the rejections and she kept saying no. Finally, after she found a publisher (Simon & Shuster), she sent me a sampling (of the rejections). One editor wrote: 'The plotting is elegant, the writing pedestrian, and the characters are flat.' Another editor wrote: 'The writing is elegant, the plotting pedestrian, and the characters are lively.' And a third wrote that the writing was flat, the characters interesting, and the plotting terrific. In other words, one can only wonder if they read the same book!"
And finally, reviewer Joe Scarpato says, "I love writing reviews most when I either love the book or hate the book. The in-betweens are the hardest to write. . . although I try to make each review entertaining as well as informative."
His favorite pan was a one-word summation of A.A. Milne's The Red House Mystery. Joe simply wrote "Pooh!"
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When Elizabeth Taylor got a hole in her throat, I canceled my plane."
-- Shirley MacLaine
How many of you think Elizabeth Taylor deserved her Oscar for Butterfield 8?
Her fellow noms were: Greer Garson in SUNRISE AT CAMPOBELLO
Deborah Kerr in THE SUNDOWNERS
Shirley MacLaine in THE APARTMENT
Melina Mercouri in NEVER ON SUNDAY
I only ask because it relates to the following...
Deni Dietz
QUIBBLES & Bits
Today I'm going to talk about one of my pet peeves. You might even call it a hot-button pet peeve.
No, not sex in mysteries. That doesn't bother me.
No, not multiple POVs. With the exception of excessive head-hopping, I like multiple viewpoints.
I'm not even going to mention posting BSP, and only BSP, on an internet loop. Or answering every damn individual email with a "Me, too" or "Thanks" and then adding a siggy line as long as Cat Deeley's legs. Or writers refusing to trim a previous post because "no one will know what I'm referring to."
Instead, I plan to talk about trawling, or if you prefer, trolling, for votes.
"What the bloody heck does she mean?" I hear you ask. "Is she talking about the presidential election?"
No. At least, not at this time ;-)
Here's the thing. While I know this isn't a new trend, it's become really rampant as more and more authors trawl (or if you prefer, troll) for "votes" in order to win various awards. Or maybe a better word would be plead for votes.
I recently received a cc'd email from an author (whom I know slightly), asking me to go to some website --- she kindly provided a link --- and vote for her book. If I did, she'd win some kind of award for excellence. And, she insisted, I should do this in order to "support small-press authors."
Do you find that pathetic, or is it just me?
She didn't ask if I'd read her book! Nor did she gave a rat's spit if I had. She made it very clear that reading her book wasn't relevant.
Voting was.
If people haven't read the book and vote merely to support a friend, or a friend of a friend, or a friend of a friend of a friend, or a fellow author, doesn't the award then becomes meaningless?
Or, again, is it just me?
Some authors think a meaningless award is worth its weight in zircons. It gives one bragging rights: "I'm so thrilled. 'Gone with the Flatulence' just won first prize for excellence at literary_award_for_sale-dot-com."
Not that I think anyone reading this blog would vote for a book without reading the book first. I'm just sayin.
Over and Out,
Deni
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QUIBBLES & BITS
From Deni Dietz, wearing her editor's hat.
Recently I've had a slew of ugly duckling romance submissions. Well, the submissions weren't ugly---except for all those underlined words; italics are okay nowadays, people, honest!
The heroines were ugly ducklings.
Not!
Apparently, romance heroines don't have mirrors.
So that got me thinking...
In movies, as well as books, the "ugly" girls always look as if they are three seconds away from dieting effortlessly, then ripping off their oversized glasses and starring in an Olay commercial.
Here are some examples:
Drew Barrymore, Never Been Kissed. Newspaper reporter Josie/Drew is sent back to high school for an undercover report. A former outsider, all it takes to hot up Josie is to dress her like the real-life Barrymore, including a cutesy head of ringlets, and soon Josie's popular as all get out. Was she hot or not? Not. Drew can play ugly really well.
Julia Roberts, America's Sweetheart. Kiki/Julia is the personal assistant to her drop-dead gorgeous actress sister. Kiki's dowdy, but it's nothing some wardrobe and hair straightener can't fix. Still, the hero is able to see that beneath the ponytails, glasses, and sensible sweater sets, Kiki's got a great personality. Of course it helps that she's, uh, Julia Roberts. Hot or not? Hot, in a sexy librarian way.
Anne Hathaway, Princess Diaries. Mia/Anne, an awkward, gangly teen, discovers that she's heir to small European nation. The royal stylist tames Mia's birdnest of frizzy curls, trims her unibrow, ditches her glasses, and turns her into a beauty. Hot or Not? Not. Anne Hathaway makes a surprisingly convincing ugly duckling.
Janeane Garofalo, The Truth About Dogs and Cats. Radio talk-show host Abby/Janeane chickens out when a handsome man wants to meet her and instead asks her model friend Uma Thurman to impersonate her. Abby falls in love with the handsome man, but her makeover is largely internal. Hot or Not? Hot. Despite Thurmond's supposedly physical superiority, Abby is charming, smart, and cute. To the movie's credit, she doesn't require a glamorous makeover to nab the hot guy in the end.
And finally...
Nia Vardalos, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Toula/Nia is a single, shy, 30-year-old Greek woman living with her parents and working at the family restaurant, until she decides to transform her life by getting a makeover. She ditches the glasses, buys a new wardrobe, and discovers the magic of makeup. Hot or Not? Not. Props to Mia for allowing herself to look atrocious at the beginning of the film.
Any other candidates? How about Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality?
As I write this blog, I'm working on a book where the heroine is Not in the beginning and Hot by the end of the book. She weighs the same at age 19 as she did at 10, but...she grows 9 inches taller.
Over and Out,
Deni, wishing she could grow 9 inches taller!
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QUIBBLES & BITS
When I finished writing my first-ever book, THROW DARTS AT A CHEESECAKE, I thought: Hoo-boy, a publisher will buy my book, I'll quit waiting tables, and before you can say Jackie Robinson [my protagonist's cat] I'll be rich and famous.
Yeah, right.
The photo to the left is my reaction to my editor (Michael Seidman) when I asked him how I could increase my book sales and he told me to second-mortgage my house and go on the road.
Because...I couldn't do that. I was waiting tables at night and raising 3 kids, 3 dogs and 2 cats on a very limited budget (fortunately, I was a terrific waitress).
But there was one thing I could do...
Schedule booksignings!
For my first-ever [mall] booksigning, my manager at The Olive Garden restaurant (where I waited tables) gave me an enormous cheesecake. It attracted kids like a magnet. "Is that free, lady?" "Is that really free, lady?" "Can I have a piece, lady?" "Can I have another piece, lady?" "Hey, y'all, this lady says the cake is free."
Where are your parents? I thought somewhat desperately, as I watched a gaggle of pre-teens dribble cheesecake crumbs on the small stack of brand-spanking-new hardcovers waiting to be bought and signed.
Finally, a mom pushed a stroller up against my table. "Is that a cookbook?" she asked, pointing to my THROW DARTS AT A CHEESECAKE stack with her double wedge of free cheesecake.
"You could call it that," I replied, not quite lying through my fake smile, wondering what my royalty payment would be on one book.
And here's the funny part. I honestly thought if I signed any left-over books [in the case of my first mall signing, that meant all but the one bought by the cookbook lady], the books couldn't be returned to the publisher.
Yeah, right!
After a signing in Denver -- where I quickly learned that you don't schedule a booksigning opposite a Broncos football game -- I scribbled my signature on the dozen or so left-over CHEESECAKE hardcovers with a red pen. I can't remember why I used a red pen...maybe I thought red looked spiffy, maybe I thought it looked like, you know, blood. It was the one and only time I signed with red ink. Eighteen months later, at a signing in L.A. for BEAT UP A COOKIE [the second book in my "diet club" mystery series], someone handed me a copy of THROW DARTS AT A CHEESECAKE to personalize...
It was already signed...
In red ink.
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WISHING YOU A VERY HAPPY, HEALTHY, SUCCESSFUL 2008!!!
But I have to say that 2007 was a Very Good Year!
It's always a good year when you write a book, and I just turned in STRANGLE A LOAF OF ITALIAN BREAD, the 4th Ellie Bernstein/Lt. Peter Miller "diet club" mystery to my publisher. Plus, DESTINY'S DAUGHTER, the second Mary Ellen Dennis historical, to my agent.
It's an especially good year when you have a book come out to starred reviews. I'll be honest. All I really wanted was to see THE LANDLORD'S BLACK-EYED DAUGHTER in print. I love the poem "The Highwayman" and I loved my interpretation in novel form. It's incredible success was a surprise...and a thrill beyond words.
My friends, this is my last weekly (Tuesday) blog. My new Dead Guy status is "designated blogger." I think that means I can't drink or something.
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QUIBBLES & BITS
Have you noticed the lack of the word "Christmas" in Christmas?
This year Seattle airport dumped their annual Christmas trees in favor of some bland, generic "winterscape."
So I gotta tell ya. As a person who prefers bland, generic beaches and oceans to bland, generic winterscapes, I'm totally insulted.
Seriously, folks...
An English Santa was given a green costume because a school decided his red suit smacked of "modern commercialism" and remind students of Coke. (that's Coca-Cola, not coke-coke.)
Hey, you're gonna love this one: In Australia, a store Santa says he was fired for saying, "Ho, ho, ho" instead of "Ha, ha, ha." According to the Cairns Post, Santa's employer ruled "ho, ho, ho" could be demeaning to women.
Question: Have you ever met anyone who was personally offended by the celebration of Christmas? Or anyone who got their knickers in a twist at the sight of a Christmas-themed window display?
I haven't.
As a little kid I'd walk down New York City's 5th Avenue and stare with incredulous delight at the window displays. And when I was six I recorded two songs (one on each side) for a record produced by a distant relative, lyricist Howard Dietz. Cousin Howard's songs included "Dancing in the Dark" and "You and the Night and the Music." On one side of my record I sang "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." On the other side, "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer." My record sold quite well. So sue me!
As an adult kid, I still watch the original Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol (the one with Alistair Sim).
My point is, Christmas is for people who believe in goodwill toward men, who believe in peace, love and fir trees, who believe in department store Santas, Salvation Army Santas, candy canes, fruitcake, credit card overdoses, and the lecherous dangling of mistletoe.
As an author and a person, I object to censorship of any kind, and that includes censorship of the C-word!
Did you hear that, Wal-Mart?
Oh, wait. Apparently Wal-Mart backtracked and told its greeters to stop substituting "holidays" for the C-word.
And now...for last minute shoppers, may I recommend a fun book? You could probably even stuff it in a stocking!
MURDER, EH? by Lou Allin
Northern Ontario realtor Belle Palmer is showing the lakefront mansion of a prominent businesswoman when she discovers the lady strangled in her
bathtub. Could this third break-and-enter death reveal a serial killer at large in the Nickel Capital? The woman's only child, a precocious 12-year-old named Micro, comes to stay with Belle's neighbors and wins her heart. Then after an argument, the boy disappears, riding off into the cold September night on his bicycle. His computer shows a cryptic correspondence that sends the police checking pedophile registers as an Amber Alert is issued. Racing against time as fall temperatures plummet, Belle hooks up with a bumbling PI and joins the search. Highly Recommended.
See y'all next week on C-word Day,
Deni
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HAPPY CHA-HANUKKAH, Y'ALL
QUIBBLES & BITS:
BIT:
Balducci's, on Eighth Avenue and West 14th Street in New York City (that'sthe Village, people, where I used to go to school), posted this sign in its meat section.
Manhattan novelist Nancy Kay Shapiro told the Daily News that she spotted the kosher faux pas while browsing at the store. A Balducci's official pinned the blame on a clerk who normally doesn't work the meat department.
Uh...um...okay.
On its Web site, Balducci's wrote: "We apologize for this unfortunate error and oversight. It was never our intention to offend anyone... We will be reviewing our employee training policy."
'Nother BIT:
I've never missed a deadline, and I had what I thought was a fair deadline for STRANGLE A LOAF OF ITALIAN BREAD. But life interfered and it turned into the deadline from hell.
Nevertheless, the 4th Ellie Bernstein/Lt. Peter Miller "diet club" mystery is written---with 2, count 'em, two twist endings---and the manuscript is about to be sent off to my editor (as soon as my free-lance editor give me the okay), and I made my deadline, and this is the first book in the series where I don't have a "heroine in jeopardy" scene (yay!) Thus, this is the first book in my diet club series where Ellie doesn't have to hiccup her heroine-in-jeopardy dialogue (she gets the hiccups when she's frightened).
I hate writing hiccups. I wrote 'em for Fifty Cents For Your Soul, too.
Publishers Weekly liked them. They said, "The over-the-top, irreverent serving of horror and Hollywood noir in FIFTY CENTS FOR YOUR SOUL is something of a departure for Dietz (Footprints in the Butter, etc.), but who can resist a book that opens with: 'The woman who straddled Victor Madison had hiccups'?"
But I digress...
Next on my agenda is the final polish on my second "Mary Ellen Dennis" historical, DESTINY'S DAUGHTER. The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter went into a third printing, was picked up for a large-print edition, and was a Holiday Gift recommendation in January Magazine so it just might be wee bit prudent to strike while the iron is hot, a cliché that, like most clichés, is more often than not, true.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CLICHÉ?
My agent is about to send me his Destiny's Daughter revision notes. Except, I don't call them revision notes. I call them "rewrite the damn book and make it better" notes.
Next, I want to continue writing GYPSY ROSE LIEBERMAN, the mystery I started to write but had to shelve so I could finish writing what my editor calls STRANGLE.
I've been writing Gypsy in my head for weeks, and I really need to finish the first book so that I can start on the second in the series. I'm anxious to write the second book because I've already thought of a title: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY MURIEL - A Gypsy Rose Lieberman Mystery. It's about two aging moving actresses who live as virtual recluses in an old Colorado mansion.
Authors reading this blog, can y'all write a book without thinking of a title first? I can't.
And no, I'm not drinking spiked eggnog, though this blog might sound as if I am. It's just that I'm always a tad giddy when I finish writing a book.
I'll leave you now, so that I can light the menorah and make myself a kosher ham sandwich.
Over and Out,
Deni, singing "I've written a letter to Daddeeee..."
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QUIBBLES & Bits
The Halton, Ontario, Catholic school board has pulled Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass from its library shelves and is now "reviewing it." Why did they do that? Because "someone asked them to." Students who want to read the book still can, but they have to ask the librarian to give it to them from behind the counter.
I'm praying that the students will ASK for the book in droves, and I use the word "praying" on purpose.
If you've never read The Golden Compass, you may be forgiven for thinking its a piece of atheist propaganda.
You'd be wrong.
The Golden Compass is a literary fantasy book that had been classified as a children's book.
It isn't.
And it is.
In my opinion, the only reason it's been classified as a children's book is because its protagonist is a child.
The Golden Compass takes place in an alternate universe full of talking bears and animal familiars, and there are a few references to a shadowy church with a different past and present --- unlike the traditional churches we know.
The Halton school board is adamant that it's just following the policy on book complaints and that pulling The Golden Compass from the shelves and "reviewing it" has nothing to do with the fact that the author is an outspoken atheist.
I say bullshit.
The Golden Compass is NOT propaganda, but sadly the same cannot be said of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis, which is often (and justifiably) portrayed as the antithesis of The Golden Compass. Pullman is a critic of Lewis's Narnia series and there are even a few allusions to LWW in The Golden Compass (a plucky girl hides in a wardrobe early on in the book).
BUT the Pullman book succeeds where the Lewis book doesn't. Not because one was written by a "believer" and one by an atheist, but because one was written by an essayist, the other by a novelist. Lewis asks: "What plot will illustrate the truth of my belief system?" Pullman asks himself, "What happens next?" Unlike Pullman, Lewis isn't trying to delight the reader...
Lewis is trying to convert the reader.
Great novels ask questions. They don't provide answers.
The Golden Compass nudges readers to question ideas like authority, perception and tradition.
Most good books do.
Over and Out,
Deni
PS- The makers of the film version of The Golden Compass have admitted to softening the portrayal of the Catholic Church, but - as I said earlier - the book doesn't even portray the Catholic Church. And, for the record, I liked the film version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I thought it (gently) got its message across and succeeded where the book didn't.
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Happy belated (American) Thanksgiving.
I'm stealing a page from Abby's book (heh-heh, some writer-speak there) and listing the things for which I'm thankful:
I'm thankful for my agent, Michael Bourret, who is both enthusiastic and (I know y'all will find this hard to believe) optimistic.
I'm thankful that my books are still being published. I'm thankful that STRANGLE A LOAF OF ITALIAN BREAD, the 4th mystery in my Ellie Bernstein/Lt. Peter Miller diet club series, will come out from Five Star, especially since the [publishing] world seems to have gone loony-tunes, dropping excellent authors who, in my humble - and not so humble -opinion don't deserve to be dropped.
I'm thankful that some of those excellent authors submit their manuscripts to Five Star, and that my boss, John Helfers, gives them to me to edit. What a gift! Just 3 examples: Gabriella Anderson, Earl Merkel and Kate Flora.
I'm thankful that I can submit my work electronically - without cashing a royalty check so that I can pay for postage - and that I can email my friends on a daily basis.
I'm thankful that my husband, Gordon Aalborg, has signed the contracts for two books: THE HORSE TAMER'S CHALLENGE, a western romance, and DINING WITH DEVILS, a suspense/thriller that takes place in Tasmania (bet you couldn't guess that from the title, eh?)
I'm also thankful that Gordon understands and empathizes when it comes down to the wire on my deadlines. I walk around with the book in my head 24/7 and he "gets it."
I'm thankful that I have Gordon to do a final edit on my books. He's the best free-lance editor in the biz. He's much more "critical" than I am, and his authors love him to pieces for it (just ask them). So do I.
I'm thankful Gordon doesn't complain about the dust bunnies who tend to hold conventions and serenade me with "Kum-Ba-Ya" (my lord) and "One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall." But here's a word of warning to the bunnies. Their fun will end as soon as I write The End on the manuscript that, for some reason I can't fathom, my editor likes to call STRANGLE.
The bunnies' fun will end ... honest it will...
Well, to be honest, it will end as soon as I finish writing STRANGLE A LOAF OF ITALIAN BREAD and the final draft of my second Mary Ellen Dennis history-mystery-romance, JENNY, now looking for a home.
Oh, and as soon as I write a few more chapters of my next crime fiction novel, GYPSY ROSE LIEBERMAN.
I hear the bunnies singing "Whistle While You Work."
Over and Out,
Deni, whistling
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No, that's not a typo. I didn't mean to say "Left Coast is the Right Coast." Read on...
Left Coast Crime is my favourite conference. It's more laid-back than, say, Bouchercon. And best of all, it's a true FAN conference, and I'm into fans :-)
At last year's LCC I met - for the first time - the incredibly talented Marshall Karp, the infinitely hugable Robert Fate, and the charming (and funny) Troy Cook. Following the conference, I moderated a book club discussion on Robert Fate's BABY SHARK, I free-lance edited Troy's ONE MINUTE ASSASSIN, and I'm "mentoring" Marshall Karp's daughter Sarah (when she has time to write; she's a busy bee).
This year's LCC is in Denver...my old 'hood. I plan to be there with bells on. And probably some other clothes, too.
LCC/Denver is scheduled for March 6-9, 2008 at the Adam's Mark Hotel, and it's shaping up to be a phenomenal event! Programs include an optional ski day in Breckinridge on Wednesday, March 5th, an LCC Party Bus that will tour some of Denver's more famous crime sites, a surveillance exercise --- tracking your favorite authors --- on the 16th Street Mall, a Forensics track on Saturday, March 8th, the Alferd E. Packer (Colorado's notorious cannibal) Memorial Banquet, a Hawaiian fashion contest, and an optional trip to Estes Park the following Monday (March 10th) to see and dine at The Stanley Hotel, where Stephen King wrote part of THE SHINING.
LCC/Denver will even feature a Celebrity Chef: my friend, author Joanne Pence.
You can see a current list of registrants and find out more information by going to the website. Registration is $165. That low registration rate is set to increase on November 16th. So why not register now and spend the money you save on something really useful like more time in the bar OR as partial payment for one of the nifty trips planned before or after the conference? Or, hey, you can even buy Jeff Cohen's SOME LIKE IT HOT BUTTERED, which is only $6.99...and still have lots of money left over for the bar.
Below are some photos I snapped at LCC/Seattle. Rick (Mofina) and Steve (Brewer) and Chris Goff (to the right of Rochelle) will all be at LCC/Denver. So will Jeff Cohen, but he didn't like the photo I shot of him (at Malice), so I'm not posting it because I don't want to piss him off because I hope he'll give me an author's quote for STRANGLE A LOAF OF ITALIAN BREAD, which is due to be turned in to my publisher December 1...therefore, I'll now say over and out, Deni (who can't post photos for beans).
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Someone named Uncle Creepy (I kid you not) said the following: "Eileen Dietz. Don't know the name? I bet you know the face all too well. In fact, I'd wager that she at one time or another contributed to you having some really sleepless nights."
Eileen Dietz is my sister. She lives in Hollywood and she was the girl behind that nasty subliminal Captain Howdy visage from The Exorcist, and she also did a lot of the...er, naughty...bits for Linda Blair, too.
Eileen's latest movie is called The Queen of Screams. It's about a small group of teenagers who are trapped in a deserted movie theater and stalked by a crazed B-movie actress out to kill.
My sister Eileen calls it: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane meets Sunset Boulevard meets Carrie.
The trailer went live a few days ago, and it looks like fun. You can check it out by clicking this link.
Speaking of Halloween, which we weren't but it's a good segue, my star athlete, 6 year-old granddaughter Marley chose her own costume: a Cinderella ballgown. It had hoops underneath the skirt and lacing on the front (bodice) and a scoop-neckline and even a bit of fake fur.
It was chilly outside. So underneath the ballgown, Marley wore a white turtleneck shirt. "Cinderella 2007," she said.
Over and Out,
Deni
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QUIBBLES & BITS from Deni:
Today's BITS is from Indiana. I'm visiting my daughter who lives in Granger, not far from South Bend. Last Saturday she and her husband attended the Notre Dame game (while I watched it on TV...but first I saw my school - Wisconsin - win big: GO BADGERS!)
Did y'all see the movie RUDY?
Saturday wasn't RUDY.
Notre Dame hasn't been doing very well this year.
So they decided to wear their old football team colours, icky green pants and yellow jerseys, from, I think, the Rudy era.
It didn't help.
In a weird way it reminded me of putting a different cover on a reprint. There are lots of those around. It's gotten so that I check the title page before I even read the cover blurb.
Except when I don't.
Last Tuesday I bought a book at the Seattle airport, on my way to Chicago. It had a bright shiny new cover. It even had one of those numbers, you know the ones I mean. Flaunted underneath the book in Hudson's book rack? Sometimes, just for grins, I'll switch books around so that Grisham becomes #9 and Koontz becomes #10 and Coben becomes #1. I always wonder if the store employees switch them back, but I never wait around to see. I usually have a plane to catch.
Anyway... I bought THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL by Philippa Gregory. It was #3. I began to read (in the air). It sounded familiar...
Title page: Copyright 2001.
Today I visited Barnes & Noble; we don't have the B&N chain in Canada. Just inside the door were remaindered books by Big Name Authors. I get no satisfaction from that. Well, I do, if the books are by Big Name Celebs (but I'll never admit it).
Cruising the mysteries aisle, looking for Dietz, I saw Cohen. Jeffrey Cohen. And you know what? He's right. SOME LIKE IT HOT BUTTERED *is* only $6.99. There was another woman cruising the aisle. I didn't pick up one of my books and pimp it. Instead, I held up Hot Buttered and said, "This is a great book. I've read it." I don't know if she bought it, but when I left the aisle she was looking at it :-)
And finally, According to police in Warsaw, Poland, novelist Krystian Bala might have gotten away with torturing and murdering a businessman in 2000 if only he had resisted writing about it in his 2003 novel AMOK. The plot had details that the police say could only be known by the killer. After further investigation, the police found several other ties Bala had to the crime, including the fact that the victim was Bala's ex-wife's lover (well, duh!)
In September, Bala was sentenced to 25 years in prison.
GO ROCKIES!
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I'm leaving my Island for Indiana today at 4 a.m., so my QUIBBLES & BITS will be a tad sparse.
IOU, my loyal blog readers, The Skinny on Book Distributors, Part II , which I promise I will blog when I return.
Meanwhile, I thought it might be fun to list some little known (or maybe well known, but they were little known to me) facts:
Fact: Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the deaths of their cats.
And here I thought silent movie stars invented that!
Fact: The bubbles in Guinness beer sink to the bottom rather than the top like all other beers. No one knows why.
And neither do I. Anyone have a guess?
Fact: The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
And the most important thing to remember is when to hold it and how to use it.
Fact: It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes shut.
Bet y'all knew that already.
Fact: A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
I wonder how that could be proven. I'll bet Jeff Probst could find a way to prove it.
Fact: Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
My second husband was a Leo :-)
Fact: Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
And thank God for that, I say.
And finally... no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
Unless, of course, you're Dr. Seuss.
Over and Out and awaaaaaay,
Deni
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Since I'm deep into writing the 4th Ellie Bernstein/Lt. Peter Miller diet club mystery, I used the word "skinnny" on purpose.
To your left is the large-print edition of my very first diet club mystery, the one where I kill off dieters at goal weight. I conjured up the concept for the book when I was a Weight Watchers lecturer. I thought: Wouldn't it be funny if there was some maniac running around killing off skinny people?
I honestly believed I was writing "a book." It became a series.
QUIBBLES & BITS (the skinny on distributors - Part I)
Here's my story, pun intended.
In 1985 I began to write a novel called THE RAINBOW'S FOOT. Circa 1893 -1925, The Rainbow's Foot encompasses the Cripple Creek gold rush, the Ludlow Massacre, the rise of Denver's KKK, and Colorado's silent film industry. The real, genuine, bona-fide people in my book include Teddy Roosevelt, Will Rogers, Tom Mix, DW Griffith, Mary Pickford, and an outlaw named Cherokee Bill (the father of my fictitious hero). My research revealed that Cherokee Bill was "part black, part white, part Mexican, part Indian, and very attractive to the ladies."
The Rainbow's Foot was Book One in what was supposed to be a "Colorado Trilogy" (ending with the McCarthy trials in the nineteen-fifties).
For the record, I was MUCH younger then---bright-eyed, busy-tailed, and VERY idealistic.
It took me 10 years, off and on, to research and write Rainbow. When finished, the book was 250,000 words. With effort and tears -- and the wise advice of my agent -- I pared Rainbow down to 140,000 words. My agent loved the book but couldn't sell it.
Why not? (I hear you ask)
Because editors, most of whom loved Rainbow too, said there was no market for sagas. Readers, they insisted, didn't buy or READ gerational sagas.
No dummy me, I threw out a list of at least a dozen names and titles, including, but not limited to, Barbara Taylor Bradford, Larry McMurtry, Fred Mustard Stewart, John Jakes... The Thorn Birds, Lonesome Dove, North and South ... sheesh, how 'bout Gone With the Wind?
[I bet y'all can think of more!]
New York's reply: "Those are the exceptions."
In 1997 I decided to self-publish The Rainbow's Foot.
A friend and fellow Coloradoan had established a small regional press called Voices. I could tell you more about Voices, but this blog is on distribution; the skinny on distributors.
"Way back" in 1997, it cost me approx. $6,000 to self-publish THE RAINBOW'S FOOT [in a limited edition of 2,500].
BUT that was just the beginning, my friends, because the next step on my ladder to fame and fortune (and proving NY wrong) was...the [evil] distributors.
To be continued next week.
Over and Out,
Deni
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QUIBBLES & BITS
BIT:
It's official. The publisher said it, so it must be true :-) THE LANDLORD'S BLACK-EYED DAUGHTER [by Mary Ellen Dennis - that's me!] has gone into a third printing.
QUIBBLE:
Changing from my author's hat to my editors cap...
Lately I've been getting submissions where it's obvious that the author hasn't thought things through. Worse, the author hasn't played fair.
"What do you mean by 'not played fair'?" [I hear you ask]
One of my pet peeves, and I'm seeing it all too often, is when the author has his/her sleuth discover a letter/ diary/ newspaper clipping/ whatever. The sleuth has an "aha" moment. But then, the author doesn't tell the reader what the sleuth has discovered. We're left guessing for a few more chapters while the sleuth continues...sleuthing.
To me, it's okay to end the chapter before the climax like this: "Jane Sleuth read the letter/ diary/ newspaper clipping/ whatever, and knew who the killer was." Then the next chapter begins: "Jane rang Mary Suspect's doorbell."
Maybe Mary Suspect isn't the killer. Maybe it's Mary's brother, Fred. If the author hasn't made Fred a viable suspect, it's not playing fair. And if Fred then says, "Since I'm going to kill you anyway, Jane, I might as well tell you how I killed John Corpse. I slipped poison into his drink while he was looking out the window of the plane..." I then have an oh, no! rather than an aha! reaction.
With her permission, the following is from a reader on the mystery readers' loop, 4MysteryAddicts.
Abbey Hamilton says:
"There's a big difference in the WAY a writer works to confuse a reader, particularly in a mystery, a well-plotted mystery, one that depends upon some kind of puzzle needing to be solved. In those situations the way an author presents the clues to the solution of the puzzle is very important. The nice thing about most Golden Age puzzles is that you can always, always trust the detective - they're A Force for Good, etc... <grin>. Agatha Christie was actually shunned, heckled, got death threats, etc., because she had the balls to make a murderer the narrator in one of her most famous stories - it simply WASN'T DONE, you see!
"Well, modern writers are a lot more free, and able to use lots of tricks to, yes, "manipulate" the reader now. Especially in suspenses, where pretty nearly everybody is weird. In a traditional police procedural mystery, though, generally speaking, the inspector is A Good Guy, and you can trust him. Mostly. Usually their dark edges are personal, not actually connected to the case, and the author lets you know this up front.
"IF the author is holding out necessary information and doesn't allow the reader to gradually realize it, if she simply springs an "Aha!! Moment!!!" on us, that's not at all fair, and will make me, and lots of readers, very angry.
"It's an author's JOB to write a mystery so that the reader is confused, NOT so they're totally bamboozled. Charm the reader, fool them, twist the details around and behind and mixed up, yes. Omit important things, tell complete lies, NO. Not in a mystery that purports to be a police procedural, where the protagonists are attempting to get at the truth. That's an artsy-fartsy dodgey writing style.
"The reader must believe in something. The author, and, often, the lead protagonist. We must trust them to lead us along the paths of the story for a good reason. If the only reason is for the author to be able to say "Fooled ya!!", then I feel as if I've been HAD. Not fair. Not right.
"A good author can, yes, manipulate, the reader into believing that a bit of information isn't important, when it actually may be central to the solving of the case. That's proper, right, and enjoyable for both author and reader. But not at all ever giving the reader the information necessary to solve the puzzle or problem or case, no. THAT's crass manipulation, and an easy way out and the use of it will obviate any enjoyment I might have had in an otherwise good book.
"All an author needs to do is give us the information cleverly concealed, not keep us out of the loop and then laugh at us for not knowing it.
" 'Fair play' is an old-fashioned notion, but the best mysteries still utilize it. Their authors trust their readers to be clever and interested in figuring out the bits and pieces. Writing only for effect (what I call "The Ta-Da! Syndrome") may appeal to some, but not to me."
Abbey, I couldn't agree more.
And I couldn't have said it better.
Over and Out,
Deni
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QUIBBLES & BITS
This is Pandora. She is my one and only dog.
And...the following is a lead-in to this week's one and only CRANKY QUIBBLE:
Yesterday I finished reading PLAY DEAD by David Rosenfelt. Very briefly, it's about an attorney who appeals a Golden Retriever's death sentence and then discovers that the gentle dog is a key witness to a murder that took place five years before.
What I liked about the book:
1] Characterization. That's a given. If the characterization is weak or if I don't like the protagonist, for me the book is done like a dinner. That wasn't the case in Play Dead. The book oozes characterization.
2] Dialogue. Play Dead had lots of banter. I like banter. So sue me.
3] Present tense. I've adjusted to it, especially since I used it myself in one of my novellas ;-) If done well, and Rosenfelt does it well, it's practically indistinguishable from past tense. What's more, present tense conveys a sense of urgency that past tense can't always achieve.
4] Enough loose ends to keep me guessing, but not confuse me. I simply couldn't fathom how Rosenfelt was going to tie all the loose ends up at the end...and he didn't disappoint.
5] A court case. As a Perry Mason-L.A. Law-The Practice-Boston Legal maven, courtroom jargon turns me on. I eat it up, and in fact used it in an as-yet unsold "glitzy mystery" called SOAP BUBBLES.
6] Two Golden Retrievers. I'm a sucker for any dog, but goldens are way high on my list.
What I didn't like about the book:
A major problem at the end/climax. And, strangely enough, it's the exact same flaw I've encountered in 3 out of 4 recent reads by extremely well-known authors. What the hell is going on? Sudden deadlines? Little or no editing? Too much self-promotion that requires traveling and mega personal appearances? Or, like Sara Lee, is it a case of "everybody doesn't care about last chapter glitches"?
Rosenfelt's climatic flaw is, in fact, the same flaw I've found in 3 out of 4 recent free-lance edits. It's as if the authors who submitted their manuscripts thought: I'm sure the editor [or reader] will never notice this one glitch, so I'll write it, close my eyes, and pray.
"Otherwise," I can hear the author mumbling to him/herself, "how the bloody hell can I solve the crime? How else can I keep my heroine locked in the attic/basement/boat house? How else can the hero/cop/Golden Retriever come to her rescue? How else can my heroine/hero/sleuth/cat get away from the bad guy?"
Maybe it's just me, but I think a book's ending is just as important as a book's opening hook. In my own books I sweat bullets over my opening paragraph. In fact, I sweat bullets over the first paragraph of every single chapter...and the closing sentence for every chapter, too.
When I reach my book's climax, I refuse to use the "I'm going to kill you anyway so I might as well tell you how and why I murdered that cat/soccer mom/football player/gourmet chef."
In truth, I hate the "I'm going to kill you anyway" scenario, especially when the perp can KILL YOU NOW!
My readers expect a twist at the end of a Dietz mystery. Since I tend to use up every drop of sweat on opening hooks and closing lines [for 30+ chapters], I have to use my creative imagination and my hopefully uncluttered brain for the twisty ending. And I must make damn sure my readers say, "OMG, I should have seen that coming!"
Then I'm happy.
By the way, David Rosenfelt has 37 dogs. I asked Gordon if we could get 36 more dogs; that way, I hinted, I could maybe be as brilliant and successful as David Rosenfelt. Guess what Gordon said?
Over and Out,
Deni
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QUIBBLES & BITS
Here on Vancouver Island, the sun has been offering more teasing titillation than my sexual tension scenes in The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter.
But today the sun finally peeked out from behind a bank of clouds, and, ironically, I seem to be catching a "summer" cold. If it were the flu, I'd curl up with a copy of Stephen King's The Stand, which for some reason makes me feel better. I tend to reread The Stand (the longer, unabridged version, of course) when I have the flu.
The thing is, you can medicate the flu but colds are like pesky relatives who come for a visit and won't leave. Sniff.
This morning, feeling stuffy, I awoke up to the following, posted by [author and editor] Dave Zeltserman on the Short Mystery Fiction loop: "Deni's upcoming story DEAD AID in the summer issue of Hardluck (probably out after Labor day) is exceptional. If you like Bruce Jay Friedman (one of my favorites) you'll love this story. It has that same absurdist streak that Friedman does so well, and it's a story that I'm exceptionally proud to be able to publish on Hardluck. Given the quality of the writing in this, it's no wonder Deni is getting starred reviews for her upcoming book."
I felt much better :-)
Bruce Jay Friedman has long been a favorite of mine, too, ever since I saw my sister Eileen in the original Broadway production of Steambath. What a kick to see your little sister run across the stage...naked.
For those who have never seen Bruce Jay Friedman's Steambath, the razor-sharp, outrageous comedy portrays God as an overworked steambath attendant who doles out "wrath" and "blessed events." The off-Broadway production was directed by actor Anthony Perkins, whose picture is at the top of this blog. Perkins made his [early] mark in Tall Story, Friendly Persuasion, and a little movie called...wait a minute...it's on the tip of my tongue...oh, yeah, Psycho.
Trivia: Alfred Hitchcock had decided to split Psycho in half and show it in 2 parts on his TV show, Hitchcock Presents. Lucky for movie mavens, he changed his mind.
Digression: When I was a kid, I had a crush on actor Anthony Perkins. Then, oh joyous day, I saw him on Broadway in Look Homeward Angel, and even though it was raining pitchforks, I walked to the alley behind the theatre and waited at the stage door for him to come out. Picture a plump, red-haired, 5-foot-nothing Shirley Temple, wearing a plaid, pleated skirt, black tights and Capezio flats, clutching a program and pen underneath a gray, cable-knit sweater (against her budding breasts) so the program wouldn't get wet. Tony - as I fondly thought of him in my prepubescent daydreams - finally walked outside, sheltered by an umbrella. I held my program and pen out to him like a suppliant asking for the Pope's blessing...
And Mr. Perkins spent 10 minutes, more or less, telling me why he couldn't sign his name. The gist of his explanation was that if he signed my program, he'd have to sign autographs for everybody else and he didn't have time to do that because he had to "rest up" for the night's performance.
Let me make it clear that I was The. Only. One. idiotic enough to stand outside in a downpour, waiting for the actor I adored with all my [young, prepubescent] heart and soul.
Getting back to Steambath, I attended the opening night cast party with my sister. And what [who] to my wondering [or is it wandering?] eyes should appear?
No, not Santy Claus. Tony Perkins!
I was introduced. Perkins smiled. I mumbled, Hullo," turned on my heels (literally), and walked away.
Later, my [now clothed] sister said, "That was kinda rude."
Trivia: Did you know that Bruce Jay Friedman won an Edgar?
Hey, maybe I can win one for DEAD AID.
See? I'm still daydreaming.
Over and Out,
Deni
PS- Is it starve a cold or feed a cold? If it's the latter, all chocolate (or junk food, and Scout's honor that's the only time I eat it!) donations welcome.
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QUIBBLES & BITS
Yay, yay, yay, yay. Danny made the finals of So You Think You Can Dance. Despite bad edits. Despite the jidges (misspelled on purpose) pompous assertion that he was "arrogant," and that he "couldn't connect with the audience." Obviously, he connected just fine. And what's even better, talent won out and. . .wait, where am I? Oh yes, my Dead Guy blog.
Starting over again...
Yay, yay, yay, yay. Dead Guy's own Abby Zidle was kind enough to send me the following:
Top 10 Romance Fiction by Booklist
Adieu, My Love. By Lynn M. Turner. Avalon.
Agnes and the Hitman. By Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer. St. Martin*s.
Billionaires Prefer Blondes. By Suzanne Enoch. Avon.
A Distant Magic. Mary Jo Putney. Del Rey.
The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter. By Mary Ellen Dennis. Five Star.
Let's Misbehave. By Lisa Plumley. Zebra.
Rough and Ready. By Sandra Hill. Berkley Sensation.
Soul Song. By Marjorie M. Liu. Dorchester.
Tempting. Susan Mallery. HQN.
Virgin River. By Robyn Carr. MIRA.
Yay, me. I mean, yay Mary Ellen :-)
In case you're wondering why I listed (the 10 top Booklist) romance novels on a mystery blog, I am Mary Ellen Dennis and The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter is a "paranormal history-mystery-romance." But it costs more than $6.95, so please request it at your library.
Okay...it's summertime and I'm in a really good mood, so let's have some fun, eh?
Here are some fun facts that you might (or might not) be able to use in your
writing:
1] A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
2] A whale's penis is called a dork.
3] An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
4] A rat can survive longer without water than a camel.
5] A "jiffy" is a unit of time representing 1/100th of a second.
6] Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
7] George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
8] Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps. (My guess is that Fess Parker didn't!)
9] In the 40s the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it "Bitch."
10] A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in the world in relation to its size.
11] It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary. (Take that all you authors who have set your books in Siena and named your protagonist Mary!)
12] Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the frat house with drawings of his characters.
13] On April 15, 1912, the SS Titanic sank on her maiden voyage and over 1,500 people died. . .including, of course, Leonardo DiCaprio :-) Fourteen years earlier a novel was published by Morgan Robertson. The book described a ship the same size as the Titanic which crashes into an iceberg on its maiden voyage on a misty April night. The name of Robertson's fictional ship was the Titan.
Now. . .who can add a fun fact?
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QUIBBLES & BITS
It may be me, and probably is, but sometimes I find that a series gets stale, if not downright moldy. On the other hand, maybe it's like driving into a town you've never visited before. You're hungry enough to eat a horse (or one of the cows that dot the side of the road). On the main street -- usually called MAIN ST. -- there's a diner called DI E (with the N and R missing from the sign) and a Village Inn or Denny's (or Tim Horton's). Avoiding DIE, you decide to eat at the Village Inn because, although the food is somewhat bland, you know exactly what to expect.
I'm not saying that series books are bland. I'm just saying that by the time I get to Book # 6, 7, 8, 13, 15, I kinda know what to expect.
Is that good?
Most (if not all) of you don't know this, but I've been writing a "secret series" since the 1980s, using a pseudonym. The books are not on my website and I've bribed Jeff Bezos to keep them off Amazon.
A few close friends and relatives know about my secret series, but they've been warned to keep quiet. They are well aware that, If they say one word, I'll email my hitman, whom I keep on retainer.
My sleuth's name is Plethora.
Things I like about Plethora: Her turgescent ego and florid complexion. Her fluctuating weight. Her superciliousness. And her hot love scenes with Detective Engorgement, although I do wish she'd choose between him and her other boyfriend, Forester. Also, Grandma Matzoball is a hoot.
However, I don't like the fact that Plethora started out in my first book (A is for Abundant) at age 25...and she's still 25 years old in book twenty (T is for Tightie Whities). Also, she doesn't own a cell phone.
I have 6 more books to write (in that series) but I'm afraid it's getting stale - if not downright moldy.
Compare the Plethora series to my diet club mysteries, starring diet club leader Ellie Bernstein and Homicide Detective Peter Miller. I always planned to write 4, and only 4, using 4 lines from a quote by the late, great Gilda Radner: "Eating is self-punishment; punish the food instead. Strangle a loaf of Italian Bread. Throw Darts at a Cheesecake. Chain a Lamb Chop to the Bed. Beat Up a Cookie."
I've been asked, more than once, if I would write more than 4. The answer is no. Not unless I was offerred a lot of money, and/or an all-expense-paid trip to the Caribbean (or NYC).
GOOD BIT: The good news I hinted about a couple of weeks ago is that John Betancourt (Wildside) will be publishing my backlist and I'll be launching THROW DARTS AT A CHEESECAKE at Left Cost Crime/Denver.
Which means no one can say: "I'd love to read CHAIN A LAMB CHOP TO THE BED, Deni, but I prefer to start a series at the beginning and your first two books (Throw Darts at a Cheesecake and Beat Up a Cookie) sold out and are virtually impossible to find." Or something like that.
Question of the Week: Do you find after umpteen or more books, a series starts to get stale?
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QUIBBLES & BITS
This quibble/question came in last week:
"I just finished reading my first mystery with an amateur sleuth and I HATED it. For one thing, the sleuth went around asking questions and everybody just automatically answered her. That would never happen in real life. Am I a snob?"
Quick answer: No, you're not a snob.
Longer answer (without which I wouldn't have a blog): Like everything else, a successful AS (Amateur Sleuth) mystery depends on how well the book is written. Obviously, the one you read had flaws. Many times I've evaluated or free-lance edited a mystery where there's absolutely no reason for a "suspect" to answer the questions of an AS, but many more times an interview blends seamlessly into the story...as long as there's (my favourite word) motivation.
It's not "snobby" to dislike AS books. You just haven't come across the books that kick-start your appreciation.
The first AS who comes to mind is Christie's Miss Marple. But let's be more contemporary. Off the top of my head, Jan Burke's Irene Kelly, Harlan Coben's Bolitar, and Lee Child's Jack Reacher are AS protags.
Then there are the AS protags in historical mysteries, too numerous to mention.
So there are exceptions, even for those who are dead-set (some mystery-speak there, hee!) against amateur sleuth mysteries.
Negative responses to AS books remind me of the response a NY editor gave me about my generational saga, The Rainbow's Foot. She said people don't buy or read sagas. I responded with a long list of successful saga authors and novels (Lonesome Dove headed the list, followed closely by The Thorn Birds, North and South, A Woman of Substance, and a half dozen more). Her reply: "Those are the exceptions."
Well, okay. An author can't possibly win that argument. Except by publishing with a small regional press and selling out in less than 9 months. Hah!
Why was Jessica Fletcher so popular, almost synonymous with AS? I think it's the same reason why quiz shows like Wheel of Fortune and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? are so popular. Because you can play along with Jessica, play along with the show's contestants, solve the puzzles, answer the questions, feel good. In my case, I watch Jeopardy. And except for geography (or math/science), I rarely miss the questions...er, answers. Does that make me feel good? You betcha'.
Would you consider a lawyer an AS protag? I would. A reporter? A jockey? A car mechanic? A vampire? A veterinarian? How about Famous People (Jane Austin, Beatrix Potter)?
There are many reasons for an AS to get involved in a crime. A dead body found in the trunk of one's car. An enigmatic email. A friend or relative accused of a crime. A dead race horse. I could go on and on. Again, the success of the book depends on how the sleuthing is conducted --- on how the book is written.
Condemning all AS books is like condemning all ebooks or audio books because you read - or heard - a bad one.
And finally, AS protags are, for the most part, "comfortable." One can empathize or even "trade places" with a librarian, a waitress, a stay-at-home mom, a Wicca witch, a diet club leader, etc, and while I'd rather spend 90,000 words with Kathy Mallory than, say, a stay-at-home mom, it doesn't diminish my appreciation for a well-written, character-driven novel.
To me, an amateur is defined (loosely) as not having professional status. But that doesn't mean a "sleuth" isn't a professional in his/her profession...just in sleuthing.
If I -- as a singer or waitress (or singing waitress) -- tripped over a corpse, I'd call the cops. But what if I called the cops and by the time they arrived the body had vanished?
There are a dozen (or more) different ways to take that story. And that's what it is: a story. Fiction.
A heroine would never do the things my heroines do (or act the way my heroines act) in my historical fiction. Calamity Jane was the exception, not the rule. But what kind of a story would I have if I stuck to the truth? My hero would be Wyatt Earp (or Maverick) over and over again and my feisty women would all be "saloon girls."
So I guess you could say I write "amateur heroine historicals."
Please keep those cards and letters...er, questions coming, kids.
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QUIBBLES & BITS
BIT #1:
In England it was reported that frustrated author David Lassman, having had his novel rejected time and again, submitted 3 Jane Austin works under an assumed name to 17 publishers. All 17 replied with letters of rejection.
BIT #2:
In my neck of the woods there is one Harry Potter book for every three Canadians. That doesn't leave much shelf space for anyone else this week, so I have decided to delay the release of my autobiography, Deni, A Life In Progress - Volume I, in order to avoid any competition.
BIT #3:
I was asked the following: "Do editors or agents feel more important when they put down a writer?"
My response: "No."
However, agents and editors are looking for reasons to reject your book, and not because it makes them feel important. It's because submissions number in the hundreds. Per month. At the very least.
You can beat the odds by following guidelines. If an agent/editor wants a certain font, use it (at a conference I told people my publisher preferred 12-pt Times New Roman and fully 50% of their subsequent submissions were in Currier). If an editor prefers italics to underlining, get rid of the underlining (90% didn't in the example I cited above). Use spell-check. That's sounds duh! but you'd be surprised. Those red squiggles underneath words are there for a reason. Learn punctuation...and get rid of that damn semi-colon fetish right now! Yes, it's okay to use semi-colons. No, it's not okay to use them in every paragraph. And while we're on the subject, ellipses and em-dashes do NOT help your pacing. Oh, and please learn the difference between singular and plural.
And if your (NOT you're) attitude is: "If their are any mistakes I'll leave it for an editor too fix, after all thats what they're paid too do," you might consider self-publishing.
Now, how many mistakes can you find in between the quotation marks? :-)
My point is, give yourself the best possible chance. Get your manuscript free-lance edited. Submit a professional product. Follow guidelines. And if you can't find any guidelines, ASK.
Look at it this way. If you wanted a job badly, would you submit an unedited "the employer will fix my mistakes" resume?
BIT #4:
I was asked the following: "If writing is a craft, just as much as carpentry, can't it be taught?"
My reply: Yes, you can teach writing. Yes, writing is a craft. But, no matter how hard you try, you can't teach storytelling. And unless I was talking about "structure" [in some esoteric way], I sure wouldn't compare writing to carpentry :-)
I suspect I'd open a big can of worms if I tried to define "craft," so I won't (hey, it's my blog). All I'll say is that I recently turned down a submission that had "craft" but no substance.
BIT #5:
Joyce Carol Oats likes Mad magazine. Me, too. Once upon a time, I had a subscription to Mad. I still remember one cartoon: A Roman senator [wearing a toga, of course] is standing on a platform in front of a vast audience. Caption: "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your..."
I laughed myself silly, but Mad editors had to explain the joke in the next issue, due to hundreds of queries. Seems every Roman in the vast audience had eyes, nose, mouth, but was missing ears.
So...how many people bought the new Harry? Raise your hands. And how many sneaked a peek at the ending?
Over and Out,
Deni
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QUIBBLES & BITS
I was deeply engrossed in writing a new short story when the phone rang. I didn't want to stop working. I have an answering machine, but I also have a 13-year-old dog. My dog, Pandora, is losing her sight. When the machine picks up and records, she hears a strange voice but can't see the human counterpart, so she has a panic attack. It's worse if I'm not home.
Of course, I could turn off the answering machine. But that would defeat the purpose of an answering machine, don't you think?
So, fingers tingling with desire, I stopped typing my new, exciting, fascinating words and phrases and answered the phone.
ME (trying to keep the irritation out of my voice, because, after all, it could be a publisher offering me a 7-figure advance for DESTINY'S DAUGHTER): "Hello. Hello?"
MALE VOICE: "I have the perfect investment opportunity, just for you...yada-yada...press 1."
I then said two words, the last of which was "off," even though I knew no one could hear me. Because the call was a pre-recorded solicitation call. There wasn't even a live, human telemarketer upon whom I could vent my displeasure. WTF!
Do they honestly expect the live recipient to say, "Hey, Maude, listen to this investment opportunity! What a co-inky-dink. I was wondering what to do with our tax refund. And you wanted to spend it at Red Lobster!"
An hour or so later (and I swear I'm not making this up), I had another pre-recorded solicitation call.
Both calls reminded me of "author spam."
I've always received "promote-your-book-with-us" spam. You know...for $500 (or however much they charge) such-and-such company will get your book into...oh, say Amazon. And they'll do a bunch of other stuff, too.
I once answered a promotional spam email that had a return addy. I said I'd sign up for a 6 month free trial. And if I got any of the results they promised (not counting Amazon), I'd cut them a check for the previous 6 months and sign up for another year.
They said they didn't do that. I said two words. The last one was "off."
Why bring that up? (you ask)
Because I've noticed a recent trend. Maybe you have, too. AUTHOR SPAM. An email announcing the pub date of a new book. Usually it's a first book, but not always.
The body of the email includes the book's cover which, for some reason, takes forever (and longer) to download. Then, in italics, Famous Author blurbs and - if any - review quotes. This is all under a jazzy font that states: "Advance praise for THE CAT THAT SPIT A FUR BALL THE SIZE OF BALTIMORE."
Finally, there's ordering, or pre-ordering, information with links to (you guessed it) Amazon and the publisher's website.
Surprisingly, the publisher's website is not based in Nigeria.
To me, the above is somewhat worse than the automatic telemarketer. It's just as impersonal but I feel...violated. Yes, that's the word. Because I know the spammer has cribbed my name from one of my many (too many) mystery lists; DorothyL, Sisters in Crime, et al.
What the author doesn't know is that I keep a list. Yes! A list! :::tearing at my hair like Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein::: Ha-ha! And now the spammy author is on that list. And having one's name on my author spam list means never having to say you're sorry...oops, I think I just lost what little is left of my mind.
Having your name on my author spam list means I'll never, ever, ever buy (or read) your book.
Not even if I was Burgess Meredith and my reading glasses were unbroken and it was the end of the world and your book was the last book on earth!
Next Tuesday more bits than quibbles, I promise. And possibly some fun news, 'cause right now I don't want to let the cat (that spit a fur ball the size of St. Louis) out of the bag.
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QUIBBLES & BITS
My bud Rick Helms, Three-Time Shamus Award Nominee, wrote the following:
I recently had an idea about writing a 'traditional' mystery ( in the sense that Nero Wolfe and Ellery Queen were traditional mysteries ) set in Charleston. I've completed about 30k words on it, and thought "Hmmm... maybe this is something I should discuss with my agent."
We've written back and forth several times about this project, and what I've heard is very illuminating. I trust my agent. I think she does a terrific job, and she clearly understands what the industry currently wants to see (or - as I often like to refer to it - the exact opposite of what I'm writing right now).
The gist of these conversations is:
1: To succeed in the market, your protag must appeal to female readers. Why? Because apparently they are the only people buying books - at least from the publishers' perspectives.
2: To succeed in the market, just writing a good, solid mystery with compelling characters and scintillating dialogue won't get it. You also have to have something she calls a 'hook'. From what I can gather, this means that the book has to revolve around some arcane activity like nosehair weaving or nude skysurfing. I am definitely NOT slamming publishers here; they have to make a buck too. The idea, as I have gathered, though, is that the publishers want some kind of guaranteed market niche that will see the book and say, "Look, Mabel, a mystery about reupholstering ottomans! Why, that's what WE do!", and snap it off the shelf faster than you can say Mary Higgins Clark.
3: To succeed in the market, it helps if the ice-skating cat who is investigating your mystery is also psychic, a vampire, or a time-traveler. I am not joking about this.
Boy, was I frustrated. You see, I like to think that I write fiction for MEN. Big, burly men who drink beer and scratch themselves and appreciate a strong plot and witty dialogue and a decent supply of violence. I love football - from August to February it is virtually my religion. I have been known, in a fit of pique, to kick a plastic adirondack chair over my deck rail because my team (GO PANTHERS!) has done something monumentally stupid on the field. I have done this because I am a MAN. I have gallons of testosterone coursing through my veins, and I like to cook over fire and live in places made of wood and stone, and I LIKE yelling at the television screen during football games.
And, apparently, I am the last of my sex who actually buys and reads books, at least if the publishers are to be believed. I read people like Michael Connelly and Robert B. Parker and Dale Brown and Clive Cussler. I read the kind of stuff that would have been serialized in SAGA or ARGOSY twenty or thirty years ago. I like writing these stories, too. That's why the last twenty pages of my book CORDITE WINE read like a scene from THE WILD BUNCH.
I submitted a book featuring the chief of police in a three cop North Carolina town to my agent. She did her damnedest to sell it. The editors wrote glowing responses. One used words like 'marvelous' and 'wonderful' in her rejection letter.
The problem, according to my agent?
No hook.
The cop wasn't also a part-time taxidermist or hairdresser or barbershop quartet singer, so there was no focus group to target with the title. My agent, whom I admire for talking straight with me, said that five or ten years ago the book would have gone hardcover. Now, though, the people to whom I clearly marketed it - MEN - don't buy books and read them. The publishers couldn't figure out just which niche they could market the title to, and as a result they just decided to take a pass.
All right, fine, I can dig it. I am now enlightened. I understand what the market wants. I'll try to adapt.
Then, my agent drops the bombshell.
Paraphrased, she said, "You shouldn't try to chase the market. You should write what you want to write, the best you can write it. Your integrity as a writer is important to you and to me."
AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! What?????
Given my druthers, I'd write about private eyes, and mobsters, and cops solving real crimes without the aid of geriatric doily knitters (is that how you spell doily? How in hell would I know? I'm a MAN, dammit!) My audience would be guys like me who like action and sex and blood and guts and veins in my teeth... oops, started to channel Arlo there for a moment. In my ideal books I want my readers to desire a shower after reading the last page just to wash off the stink of cordite in their clothes.
So, WHERE ARE THE MEN? Where have they all gone? What are they reading, if not books? Are they reading at all? Hell, it can't be television that's keeping them away - on the other hand, it may not be a coincidence that the NASCAR season begins just at the NFL season ends.
Is there a market of men readers out there??
To which I respond:
Oh, Bosch!
While stats say that women buy more books than men, all the women I know, all 900 of them, prefer "hard boiled" to soft, or even medium.
I think maybe that's the first time I've heard "hook" used in place of "niche." To me, a hook is a great opening chapter (that hooks me into reading more), not subject matter like fishing gear, a pirate's hand, or the little thingy you use to...tat? As a matter of fact, I was thinking about writing a "tatting mystery" starring a pirate with a missing hand --- a serial killer who preys on prostitutes (or mermaids). Tentative title: TIT FOR TAT.
Except I can't tat, which probably wouldn't matter; all I'd have to do is include a pattern (and a cover blurb by Johnny Depp).
But first, I want to finish my mystery about the psychic figure-skating cat who travels back to 15th-Century England (oh, lord, did they have plagues or what?)
And for the record, I always have MEN in mind when I write my diet club mystery series, my witch series, and my Hitchcock the Dog series.
In fact, a highwayMAN is the co-star of THE LANDLORD'S BLACK-EYED DAUGHTER.
GO B.C. LIONS! GO BRONCOS!
Deni
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Quibbles & Bits
Last week I decided to write a crime fiction story starring a vampire. Having never actually met one in person, I knew I had some intense research to do, and somehow I didn't think Google would fly. So I looked up Vampires in the Yellow Pages. It took 3 phone calls, after midnight, but I finally found one who was willing to talk to me.
Deni: Thank you so much for agreeing to meet me, Mr...what do I call you?
Vampire: Rice. My name is Rice.
Deni: Like, Anne Rice?
Vampire: Never heard of her. My name is Rex Rice, but most people just call me Rice.
Deni: Okay, um, Rice. Thanks again. I really do appreciate it.
Vampire: You're velcome. I'm glad you're a redhead. I love the color red.
Deni: Yes, well, where are you from?
Vamp: California.
Deni: Not Transylvania?
Vamp: Never heard of the place.
Deni: I've read about vampires, of course, and seen movies. But I had no idea they ... you ... looked so ... well, normal. You could be the bachelor on one of those bachelor TV shows, especially with that chest. Do you wax it?
Vamp: I do.
Deni: And your dimples are to die for. I mean, live for.
Vamp: Out of curiosity, vhat do you write?
Deni: Mysteries, mostly. I was thinking of using a vampire detective. Why are you shaking your head?
Vamp: It wouldn't vork, unless he vorked the night shift. Or if he only vorked on cloudy days. Maybe if he lived in a Lincoln Continental. With tinted windows.
Deni: How about a vampire cop?
Vamp: Same problem.
Deni: I see your point. No offense. I mean, your teeth and all.
Vamp: Freudian slip. Happens all the time.
Deni: How about sunscreen? I was thinking maybe I'd concoct a special, secret, government sunscreen, a la Dean Koontz.
Vamp: Sunscreen might vork, or maybe Mime makeup. Do you have a title for your story?
Deni: I was going to call it 'The Vampire Wore Prada,' but now I'm thinking 'The Lincoln Vampire' might fly.
Vamp: Yes.
Deni: Yes, vhat? I mean, what?
Vamp: I thought you were asking if I could fly. The answer is yes.
Deni: That's good to know. It could be an important plot element. Do you change into a bat, first?
Vamp: You've been vatching too much TV. Or too many Bela Lugosi movies. Vy vould I vant to be a bat? All that guano. Ick.
Deni: Sorry. I don't usually stereotype. So, no detective protagonist and no cop. What, exactly would you like to be?
Vamp: Your perp.
Deni: Perp? How do you know that word?
Vamp: Vhat? You think vampires can't read. Some of my best friends are librarians.
Deni: If you were my perp, who ... whom would you kill?
Vampire: Stephen King.
Anyone in the market for a story called THE VAMPIRE WORE SUNSCREEN?
In other news . . .
I've had great reviews and not so great reviews, but in a 15-year-career I've never had a *starred* review.
Until now.
Starred Booklist review! - It will appear in the July 1, 2007 issue.
This title will publish in August 2007.
**********************
The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter. Dennis, Mary Ellen (Author)
Aug 2007. 419 p. Five Star, hardcover
Elizabeth Wyndham is "more likely to be attacked by an army of frogs" than find a husband. Fortunately, she is the star author of Minerva Press, a dubious occupation for a lady in 1787, but it pays her bills, as well as her father's debts. Unfortunately, Elizabeth doesn't want to finish her latest book because she'll have to finish off her hero, too, a man who has dominated her dreams. Rand Remington has returned from the war in the colonies wounded in body and soul. His innocent niece has been hung in his absence, and Rand's revenge against the injustices of the wickedly cavalier upper class is to relieve them of their worldly goods and spread the wealth among the poor. Exhausted from his latest heist, Rand opts to relax by reading a gothic novel by B. B.Wyndham he's stolen from his latest victim. Much to his surprise, the plot and characters evoke an overwhelming sense of déjà vu, and he's driven to meet the author. Star-crossed lovers in a former life, Elizabeth and her highwayman face insurmountable odds. Dennis' wonderful retelling of Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman is, quite simply,
remarkable. ~ Shelley Mosley for Booklist
And a second review, just in [last paragraph]:
The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter engages the reader in an exhilarating romp throughout 18th century England, with adventure at every turn and spine-tingling suspense. Combined with heated romance, accurate historical facts and nonstop action, this book will suit any adult reader. Characters and dialogue are compelling, historical facts not only interesting but fascinating, and the plot one that simply will not allow the book to be set aside until finished. An exceptional, superbly written book. Highly recommended. ~ Christy Tillery French for Midwest Book Review
I'm stoked.
Over and Out,
Deni, AKA Mary Ellen Dennis
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QUIBBLES & BITS
This Thursday I fly to Dallas, where I'm attending the MWA/SW Region's annual mystery conference, Hardboiled Heroes & Cozy Cats. I'm scheduled for an editor/agent panel, plus a couple of author panels.
And I'll be talking to writers who are looking for a publisher.
Therefore, I thought it might be fun to blog an imaginary pitch session:
DENI (making my pitch): In a tribute to Agatha Christie and the Beatles, the protagonist of my novel, GOTTA SING OR DIE, is an alien from another planet who assumes the face and body of a twenty-year-old and tries out for American Idol. Jaya San makes the top 12 with her original renditions of "I Wanna Borrow Your Hand" and "We All Live in a Yellow Spaceship." A finalist is murdered, then another. Jaya doesn't want to win the competition by default, so she sets out to find the killer...before she, too, gets eliminated. Think: STARMAN meets THE TERMINATOR meets COCOON meets Simon Cowell.
AGENT: What's the genre?
DENI: Genre? I guess you'd call it 'a fantasy-mystery.'
AGENT: You can't have two genres. Choose one.
DENI: How about a mystery with fantasy elements? Or a fantasy with mystery elements?
AGENT: We'll keep it simple and call it a mystery, okay? Now, let's talk about the future because that's more important than your book. So . . . where do you see yourself in 10 years?
DENI: I see myself writing a Jaya Say series, 26 books, with titles like 'GOTTA DANCE OR DIE' and 'AMERICA'S TOP ALIEN.' I see myself signing a movie option with Spielberg and appearing on Oprah and Ellen. I see mysel---
AGENT: How will you promote your series?
DENI (taken aback): Promote?
AGENT: Yes, promote. That's the first question editors ask.
DENI: Oh. Well, alrighty then. My website, of course. Posting on DorothyL every day, sometimes twice a day. MySpace. A movie trailer on YouTube. A 52-state tour. A European tour with Lee Child and Jeffrey Cohen. Bouchercon. Left Coast Crime. Westercon. ABA. The usual.
AGENT (looking at wristwatch): Our time is up. Why don't you send me 3 chapters and a synopsis?
Tick-tock, tick-tock . . . 3 months later:
Dear Mr. Deitz,
Thank you for submitting GOTTA DANCE. While I like the tie-in to that song from "Singing In The Rain", I'm afraid I'm not enthusiastic enough to work with your book. I did, however, put out a few feelers but Berkley already has a series starring an alien with a green card that tries out for Jeopardy.
Sincerely,
Agent
Tick-tock, tick-tock . . . 18 months later:
Publishers Weekly starred review: "A fresh, imaginative concept."
Library Journal: "Recommended for readers who are looking for a good mystery with supernatural elements. Denise Dietz lives in B.C."
Kirkus: "...Gotta Sing or Die makes you want to sing and..."
Romantic Times: ****1/2. The steamy romance in GOTTA SING OR DIE left this reviewer breathless."
Harriet Klausner: "Readers will appreciate the part where Jayne Sands assumes her alien shape and Paula Abdul doesn't notice the difference."
DorothyL: I finished GOTTA SING OR DIE last night, and while I liked the book I skipped the sex scenes, so my question is, are sex scenes really necessary in a mystery?
DorothyL response: We discussed sex in mysteries 6 weeks ago, and 2 months before that. Check the archives.
2nd DorothyL response: I don't like mysteries with sex or cussing or dead cats because they can't protect themselves like humans can.
See y'all next week. Warning: I'll probably blog with a Texas accent.
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QUIBBLES & BITS
BIT 1:
My son and his friend, a chef at the 5-star Broadmoor Hotel, wanted to open a restaurant. The woman who owned the building didn't want to lease to a kid with hair down to his butt (my son Jon). When the woman heard that I would co-sign the lease, she was ecstatic. She had read my first two books and figured I was . . . what's the expression? Oh, yeah, rolling in dough.
Hahhahahahahaha
BIT 2:
I was a lecturer for Weight Watchers when I had the idea for my first mystery novel, Throw Darts at a Cheesecake -- killing off dieters when they reached their goal weights (the original title was The Diet Club Murders). At which point, I quit my two "real jobs" (writing for a newspaper and playing an extra for Paramount) and started waiting tables so I'd have more time to write. This is just temporary, I thought. I'll sell my book to a major publisher (I liked kangaroos, so that meant Pocket) and soon I'll be rolling in dough. Seven years later, I sold Throw Darts at a Cheesecake on a two-book contract and wrote the second in the series, Beat Up a Cookie.
In the beginning of a waitress career that spanned 17 years [I kid you not], I looked for PR opportunities -- a way to slip my author's status into the conversation. But early on I figured what the...heck.
"How's your lasagna?" I'd ask. "And by the way, I'm a published author."
The B Daltons across the street carried my books. The manager, Richard, a smart Cookie, ordered 100 "Cheesecake" hardcovers from my publisher [Walker]. The first month he sold 98 and I made my first bestseller list. So now I could quit waiting tables, right?
Surely you jest.
My "guests" [the people I served] would almost always ask: "If you're a published author, why are you working as a waitress?"
I'd respond, "Shhhh, I'm undercover, planning to write the quintessential restaurant exposé."
The kids I worked with would say, "How is your book doing, Deni? Are you making lots of money?"
"Sure," I'd say. "I'm only waiting tables because it's cheaper than joining a gym and working out."
BIT 3:
When I began writing EYE OF NEWT, I worked at a restaurant in Manitou Springs, Colorado, where you can find Covens in the phone directory. The regulars would oft ask what book I was working on. When I said a mystery starring a witch, they'd reach for their wallets and hand me a business card and say, "Call me if you need any help with the witchcraft."
Eye of Newt takes place in the fictitious town of Manitou Falls, nestled between Manitou Springs and Green Mountain Falls, Colorado. I can sell you a map, if you like. It'll supplement my writer's income.
And now, IDLE THOUGHTS re: American Idol:
If you've never seen American Idol, you may skip this part.
Here are some random thoughts on the Idol finale:
I think it was very nice of Bette Midler to get into the spirit of American Idol. She performed a terrific homage to all those bad auditions they love to televise.
It wasn't an homage? Oh.
Aw, Bette, I still love you, but while I realize you couldn't have pulled off Bugle Boy, why not The Rose? My voice isn't what it used to be and I can still sing it. You coulda had some backup for the harmony - Melinda. Or LaKisha. Or Sanjaya whispering.
Why do I age while Gladys Knight keeps getting younger? She looked no older than frickin 30! It isn't fair. And I would be first in line to buy a CD with Gladys, LaKisha and Melinda singing together.
I thought it amazing that I couldn't see the guy who was making Clive Davis' lips move -- best puppeteer ever! I was going to MUTE Clive, but it was like craning my neck to see a side-of-the-road car accident. "Blah, blah, blah...Daughtry rules...blah, blah, blah...Carrie...blah, blah blah...diss TaylorHicks and Katharine McPhee...blah, blah, blah..."
I had forgotten how good Rooooben (Ruben) sounds. It's been what? 15 years since I last saw him?
I think TaylorHicks (I can't seem to separate the two names) should take a laxative before he performs. And maybe a muscle relaxant.
How come the Idol producers didn't think to do a feed from Broadway and spotlight Fantasia singing something from The Color Purple? That would have been a show stopper.
Why have Jennifer Hudson in the audience and not invite her to sing something from Dreamgirls?
I hope they don't put Jordin Sparks on the Carrie Underweight diet.
Why was Kelly Clarkson so angry (at me)? I've never even met the girl.
Simon says (heh, I like that so I'll repeat it)... Simon says he doesn't like "old" or "old-fashioned" on American Idol. So why did the finale showcase:
Smokey Robinson
Gladys Knight
Tony Bennett
Bette Midler
TaylorHicks
And finally, I'm glad they found Randy some funkadelic braids he could shave off and sew on his jacket so he wouldn't lose them.
Over and Out,
Deni, who needs to get a life! Oh, wait! So You Think You can Dance has begun. [And Canadian Idol is about to start.]
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QUIBBLES & BITS
At regular intervals, on every single one of my writers lists, somebody brings up self-publishing. DorothyL has banned the subject and so have other lists. . .
Don't worry, folks. I'm not going there :-0
Instead, I'm letting my friend and fellow author Richard Helms talk about RETURNS. [While doing so, he'll mention self-publishing.]
Richard Helms is probably best known for his series featuring slacker New Orleans jazz cornetist and reluctant knight errant Pat Gallegher. Four books in that series have been published by Back Alley Books, the mystery imprint of Barbadoes Hall Communications.
In 2003 Helms was nominated for the Private Eye Writers of America's Shamus Award for the third Pat Gallegher novel, Juicy Watusi. In 2004, he was nominated again, this time for the fourth book in the series, Wet Debt.
Helms also has two books out in his San Francisco-based Eamon Gold PI series. The first, Grass Sandal, was published in 2004. The second, Cordite Wine, came out in late 2005 and garnered Helms' third Private Eye Writers of America Shamus Award nomination.
His stand-alone novel Bobby J. has been optioned by David Greathouse Productions in Los Angeles for a theatrical release film.
Rick says:
Okay, here's the HPASS (that's Hot Poop and Straight Skinny for people who didn't read my posts back when I was a Burned Out Ex-Hippie Part-Time Flake)on book returns.
When you sign with Ingram, or virtually any wholesaler or distributor, you have to designate what booksellers are supposed to do with your books when nobody wants them. Obviously, this happens a lot, or it wouldn't be an issue. The options are actually fairly limited.
Option 1: Return the entire book to the wholesaler, who will in turn return them to the publisher. Returned books are either refunded or a credit is issued to the bookseller for future orders. The wholesaler/distributor charges the publisher for the *wholesale* cost of the book. This is an important point to note, as we shall see later.
Option 2: Return the entire book to the wholesaler/distributor, who will pulp it. The publisher is still charged for the *wholesale* cost of the book, and the bookseller is still issued either a refund or a credit. The advantage to this option is that the publisher doesn't have to pay for shipping the books back.
Option 3: This applies almost entirely to mass market paperbacks. Strip the front cover, trash the book, and ship the cover back to the wholesaler/distributor. Publisher still gets charged the *wholesale* price of the book, and the bookseller gets a refund or a credit.
Option 4: Don't accept returns no way, no how, no where, at no time. This is the option that the POD mills like iUniverse and Xlibris and their ilk took when they set up shop in the late 1990s. Booksellers, in general, don't like to buy titles that they might have to eat. Books are not edible - well, at least they are not edible for humans - and booksellers could take a bath on ordering titles that don't eventually sell. Because all of the POD mills used the POD process to print their books, and because none of them accepted returns, the word spread among the chain booksellers that POD = No returns.
Now, when I started Back Alley Books, I had my books printed using the POD process (this was 2001). My contract with Ingram clearly stated that I would go with Option 1 - accept returns and have them shipped to me.
Okay, I don't want to alarm anyone, but we're going to do some math here. Try to stay with me.
The retail price per copy was $15.95 for a trade paper title. Lightning Source printed each copy for about $4.50, and then sold it to Ingram for 50% of the cover price, which was $7.98.
Ingram then sold it to the booksellers for between $8.98 and $9.49, depending on their discount arrangement.
With me so far? Good. So, for each copy sold, I received about $3.48 from Lightning Source, which represented the price they sold it to Ingram for, minus the printing and binding charge.
When a book was returned from a bookseller, however, Ingram charged me the *wholesale* price, which was usually $8.98.
That means I had to sell four copies to pay for one return. Why four? Because I didn't make any money on the fourth, which was the returned copy. The three copies that sold and stayed sold paid for the one return, and left me with about $1.44 to pay for the shipping to have the return sent back to me.
That meant that for me to actually make any money, I had to sell FIVE copies to pay for one return. This equates to an 80% "Sell-Through" rate - much higher than that required by most of the major publishers.
For the first several years, this wasn't a problem, because I didn't get any returns, because the major chain booksellers refused to stock my books. Remember - at that time, POD equalled No Returns, no matter what the computer readout from Ingram said, so the chains refused to order. I did place some books with understanding independent booksellers who handsold my titles, but I was locked out of the Big Box Barns of Novels.
So, most of my books were sold through Amazon and the other online booksellers, which meant no returns because they were sold directly to end-users...er, I mean readers. No returns there either.
Things began to change about two years ago. Somehow, the major chain booksellers began to realize - probably around the time that the major publishers started dipping their toes into the POD waters - that *some* POD books could be returned. Suddenly, Barns of Novels were all too happy to order my titles, especially when I made an appearance at their stores. Same for Walden and Borders.
Nothing fails like success, I suppose. Last year, my book CORDITE WINE was nominated for the PWA Shamus Award. This was my third nomination. I was ecstatic. I was overjoyed. I was also stricken with fear, because I realized that the major booksellers tend to ORDER nominated books in somewhat larger numbers, but they don't hand-sell them.
I braced myself for a slew of returns.
I should have braced harder.
Right now, Back Alley Books is on a temporary hiatus. Because of the Shamus Award Nomination, I sold a buttload of books. I also had a slightly smaller buttload returned. As a result, I owe Ingram about $700 for returns. I have requested that they not ship my titles until we get square. I have three boxes of books sitting in my office, and a rolling suitcase full of them in the trunk of my car. I consign to bookstores when I visit these days - which is kind of fun since it's a lot like the way things were when I started out.
If I knew in 2001 what I know now, I never would have started this company. At Bouchercon last year, S.J. Rozan told the audience in one of her panels that Rick Helms and Sandy Tooley (Full Moon Publishing) are examples of people who did self-publishing the right way.
I consider S.J. a friend, and I am very grateful for her kind words, but I am also slowly coming around to the opinion that there is no 'right way' to self-publish. This may be a surprising notion, coming from someone who has had a relatively huge amount of critical and non-monetary success at it. However, when I consider all the numbers, there just isn't a way to self-publish using the POD model and come out ahead, profit-wise, unless you do exactly what the POD mills did and not allow returns.
When I started Back Alley, my goal was to play the publishing game by the same rules the Bigs followed - decent discounts and accepting returns. I think we put out a quality product. However, as many midlist authors with the major publishers have discovered over the last several years, it's damned hard to sell a book if nobody knows who you are. Using the POD process, at least at this time, stacks the deck against you even more, because of the high cost of production per unit. That increases the required sell-through to make a profit, to a level very few authors can match, no matter how well-known they are.
So, now I have a great agent, and we're searching for the magic Major Publisher contract.
Oh, one more thing - I can no longer submit titles under my own name. Why? Because every bookseller in the country can check and see exactly how many copies each of my titles has sold over the last seven years, and so can the publishers. While we've done okay for a micro-press, in major publishing terms our sales suck. That kind of thing scares off major publishers. Richard Helms, as a novelist, is probably finished, though I'll continue to write short stories under that name.
Self-publishing? I really, really, really don't recommend it, and I'm supposed to be one of its stars.
Over and Out,
Deni
Posted at 02:54 AM in Denise Dietz | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
I'm planning to update my website soon. Pick yourself up off the floor, please.
In truth, I update my website every time I have a new book due out. I put up the new book's cover and cover copy and reviews and a link to an excerpt which I hope will hook you good, and perhaps compel you to buy the book or check it out of the library.
At the same time, I update my "appearance schedule". . .I'm always woefully behind on that, usually thinking about it when I'm at the booksigning or conference. And maybe this time I'll remember to update my bio, since according to my website bio, I'm still living in the 90s.
And then there are those new photos for my photo gallery. . .
So, readers of Dead Guy, what kind of website do you like best? What do you want to find there? Will you visit if I add bells and whistles (literally)? Recipes?
Only kidding about the recipes. I'm a lousy cook.
And now, just for grins, here are my TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR READERS. [If you've seen them before, please forgive me. If you haven't, I hope they bring a smile to your face.]
1] Thou shalt not skip to the end of the book, unless thou do not plan to read the middle.
2] Thou shalt not skip the Prologue (some author worked damn hard on it, even if it turns out to be superfluous).
3] Thou shalt not slap thy forehead with the heel of thy hand when thou cometh across the umpteenth "that" for "who" and "less" for "fewer" and "it's" for "its." And throwing the book at the wall is psychologically satisfying but physically damaging, especially to the wall.
4] Thou shalt not send thy favourite author a chastisement email, saying that Tony Curtis was born in the Bronx, not Brooklyn. I knoweth he was born in the Bronx, okay? It was a goof, okay? And a throw away line ("He looked like Brooklyn's own Tony Curtis"). Deal with it, okay?
5] Thou shalt not apologize for using the library, rather than buying CHAIN A LAMB CHOP TO THE BED. Repeat after me: "Libraries are good. Librarians are fun people. Libraries buy books. Authors get royalties on those books."
6] Thou shalt talk about books, especially on DorothyL, in a thoughtful, honest manner. Negative reviews might momentarily hurt, but they are very helpful to an author (as long as the negativism doesn't include Tony Curtis's birth borough).
7] Thou shalt try not to cringe too loudly when thou recommendeth a book to a co-worker and he says, "I don't have time to read," then discusses the latest episodes of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" around the water cooler.
8] Thou shalt not let thy dinner burn while engrossed in THE RABBIT FACTORY by Marshall Karp or AS DOG IS MY WITNESS by Jeffrey Cohen. On the other hand, it's okay to let dust bunnies play soccer in your living room whilst thinking: No animals were hurt in the writing (and reading) of this book.
9] Thou shalt not scream "Noooooo!" in a crowded movie theatre when "they" (producer? director? scriptwriter? Clint Eastwood?) change your favourite book into something that is not only dumbed down but makes no sense whatsoever.
10] Finally, keep reading books. Please! Without thou, I would undoubtedly have to go back to waiting tables.
Posted at 02:39 AM in Denise Dietz | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
I urge you to watch PBS's FRONTLINE tonight, May 8, 2007
The United States is one of the only countries in the world that allows children under 18 to be sentenced to life without parole. Human Rights Watch reports that more than 2,200 inmates are currently serving life without parole in the U.S. for having committed murder when in their teens, with only 12 serving the same sentence in the rest of the world. FRONTLINE producer Ofra Bikel (The O.J. Verdict, Innocence Lost) travels to Colorado to profile five cases of juveniles sentenced to life without parole in When Kids Get Life, airing Tuesday, May 8, from 9 to 10:30 P.M. ET on PBS (check local listings).
Colorado was an early pioneer in juvenile justice, focusing on the rehabilitation of the child rather than punishment. But in the late 1980s and 1990s, when a sharp increase in violent crimes by young offenders attracted enormous press, legislators nationwide found it easy to clamp down. "Crime has always been a big political issue, and so it's very easy for politicians to say, "Let's punish; let's make the sentences longer; let's not let people get out,'" says Norm Mueller, a veteran defense attorney in Denver. In Colorado, the Legislature changed the definition of a life sentence from 40 years before parole eligibility to natural life and expanded the power of district attorneys to treat juveniles as adults, bypassing the discretion of juvenile court judges.
In 1992 the U.S. ratified the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, which requires that juvenile imprisonment focus on rehabilitation, but reserved the right to sentence juveniles to life without parole in extreme cases, involving the most hardened of criminals, the worst of the worst.
JACOB IND
The crime scene was gruesome. In December of 1992, 15-year-old Jacob Ind murdered his mother and stepfather. The troubled family life that led to such a heinous crime slowly unfolded over the course of his trial. Jacob's defense claimed that he had endured years of sexual abuse at the hands of his stepfather, who repeatedly raped him and his brother. But prosecutors argued that what happened at home was exaggerated as an excuse to kill. Jacob is now 29. "All I wanted was something to end," he says. "I didn't really grasp the permanency of their deaths. I definitely didn't understand the gravity of what it means to kill somebody." But the law for first-degree murder does not allow exceptions, regardless of age. Judge Jane Looney declared at sentencing that her "hands were tied": She was required by law to sentence Jacob to life without parole.
NATHAN YBANEZ AND ERIK JENSEN
In 1998, Nathan Ybanez and Erik Jensen were high school students in a wealthy suburb of Denver and members of a local band aptly called Troublebound. Erik came from a secure, affluent household; Nathan came from an abusive one. Within a year and a half of their meeting, Nathan had killed his mother, and Erik was implicated in the crime by another friend involved in the cover-up. Both Nathan and Erik were sentenced to life without parole. How did two boys with no criminal records end up involved in murder and penalized with a sentence the U.S. claims to reserve for "hardened criminals" who constitute "an extreme danger to society"? Erik is now serving his ninth year. "In 10 years I'll either be on the streets or dead," he says. "I'm not going to keep doing this."
TREVOR JONES
Trevor Jones was trying to scam $100 from a classmate, but the plan went awry when his gun discharged and killed Matt Foley, who was attempting to purchase the weapon. At the trial, the jury determined that Trevor had no intention of shooting anyone and what had happened was reckless manslaughter --- basically a very bad accident. But because the accident occurred in the commission of armed robbery, Trevor was found guilty of felony murder and sentenced to life without parole. He is now spending his 10th year in prison and will never be free again.
Felony murder is a controversial law that charges criminals with murder, regardless of intent, if a death occurs in the commission of another felony. In Colorado it is a form of first-degree murder that carries a mandatory life sentence. As defense attorney Tom Carberry explains, in a felony murder situation, "You don't have to be the murderer, but if you're involved in certain crimes and somebody dies, then you're guilty of first-degree murder, life without parole."
Kathleen Byrne is an independent appellate attorney who often works for the state to uphold felony murder convictions. But she finds herself doubting the justice of the law she is paid to defend. "It's a very harsh rule," she says. "And I think a lot of people question whether it's an appropriate rule to maintain. It may be time for it to go."
Nationwide, it is estimated that a quarter of the juvenile offenders sentenced to life without parole were convicted of felony murder, which assigns the same culpability to everyone involved in the felony, even if the actual murder is committed by only one person in a group, unbeknownst to the others.
ANDREW MEDINA
Andrew Medina was also charged and sentenced for felony murder. He was only 15 when he and two acquaintances attempted a carjacking. Someone fired a gun, and the driver, 17-year-old Kristopher Lohrmeyer, died. There were three suspects, and no one knew for sure who fired the fatal shot. But two of the suspects made deals with the prosecutor, pleading guilty and naming Andy as the triggerman. Andy, however, was not tried and sentenced for pulling the trigger, but for being party to the carjacking at the time of Lohrmeyer's murder. He was convicted of felony murder and sentenced to life without parole.
Andy is currently in the Colorado State Penitentiary, the state's notorious supermax, where he has served more than four years with virtually no human contact.
In spite of the dire predictions of the '80s and '90s, teenage crime rates have gone down. Fear of young offenders seems to have subsided. In 2005, the U.S. Supreme Court abolished the death penalty for juveniles, and there were some discussions across the country about re-examining the harsh punishments meted out to juvenile offenders.
In 2006, Colorado was the first state to pass a reform bill changing juvenile life without parole to 40 years before parole eligibility. Watered down to ensure passage, the bill was not retroactive. The 45 former juveniles now serving life without parole in Colorado--including Jacob, Erik, Nathan, Trevor and Andy--will die in prison.
"The decision to not make it retroactive was probably a compromise, perhaps a political deal," says Columbia University law professor Jeffrey Fagan.
"The families of victims are very powerful advocates." Gail Palone, the mother of Trevor's victim, is unforgiving: "At least their family gets to go to the prison system and spend Thanksgiving with them. We never got that. We have to go to the cemetery. When Trevor was found guilty, they promised us that he would get life in prison with no chance of parole. The state promised us that, and the state should see to it that that's what happens."
The opponents of juvenile life without parole, a growing movement, vow to continue their effort. Curt Jensen, Erik's father and co-founder of the Pendulum Foundation, explains: "It's been an ongoing battle now for six years basically, for educating the public and working with the state Legislature. It's a battle that only ends when this state Legislature and the next governor agree that juveniles have to be treated differently than adults and that they have to be given a second chance."
When Kids Get Life is a FRONTLINE co-production with Ofra Bikel Productions. The producer, writer and director is Ofra Bikel. FRONTLINE is produced by WGBH Boston and is broadcast nationwide on PBS.
Posted at 03:27 AM in Denise Dietz | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
QUIBBLES & BITS
I decided to take a break from researching séances and ghosts (for my new mystery, GYPSY ROSE LIEBERMAN), so I walked outside and stood on my back deck and watched flowers bloom like a Disney nature film, and the next thing I knew I was thinking about the death of series' book characters.
Not mine, of course! I don't kill off series characters. I just start a new series.
But lately, on one of my loops, readers have been talking about a popular author killing off a main character. And to my surprise, there have been no outrageous cries of cease and desist, no "I'll never read that author again!"
Interesting.
Which brought to mind Stephen King's MISERY, where a bestselling author kills off his heroine (Misery), then has to resurrect her to please his nutty caretaker [brilliantly played in the movie by Kathy Bates].
My point is, readers tend to believe book characters are real. If readers don't believe that, the author has fallen down on his/her job. And yet, I'm constantly amazed when fans ask: "When is Ellie going to marry Peter?"
Well, heck, I don't know. Maybe I'll kill her off, first.
Only kidding.
I have mixed feelings when book characters I'm fond of kick the ol' bucket. Every time I read Stephen King's THE STAND (which is every time I have the flu; for some odd reason, reading The Stand makes me feel better), I hope my favorite characters won't die. The rational part of my mind tells me they will. But then, who's rational when suffering from the flu?
As a kid, I memorized Alfred Noyes' poem, The Highwayman, then changed the ending to a happy one.
I'm still doing that today - as Mary Ellen Dennis. My cover for THE LANDLORD'S BLACK-EYED DAUGHTER just arrived. I'm technically challenged when it comes to posting blog pictures, so it's a tad difficult to read New York Times bestselling author Mary Jo Putney's blurb. She says: "If you've been yearning for an old-fashioned r
omantic adventure, The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter is not to be missed! Mary Ellen Dennis crafts a swift and bawdy tale that skillfully blends the classic poem The Highwayman with elements of historical romance and the Gothic novel---and manages a happy ending as well. Enjoy!"
Here's the way I feel about happy endings (and, I suppose, the death of series characters, too). If a reader spends 100,000+ words with my hero and heroine, it's simply not fair to kill them off.
Others might feel differently :-)
Over and out,
Deni
If you'd like your name to be put in a drawing for an ARC of The Landlord's Black-eyed Daughter, email me at deni@denisedietz.com
Posted at 03:13 AM in Denise Dietz | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)
Also known as manipulation.
QUIBBLES & BITS
The dictionary defines manipulate as "to treat with the hands in a skillful manner." A second definition is "to control or play upon by artful or insidious means, especially to one's own advantage."
Although I worked as a masseuse, treating with my hands in a skillful manner, and I like nothing better than being manipulated by another masseuse, I'm going to deal with the second definition.
Some reader say they don't like an author using cliffhangers at the end of chapters. Some readers say it's manipulative.
I say cow patties! Or, since I'm a Dancing With Wolves fan, buffalo dung!
Some readers say they need "obvious stopping places" so they can, like, eat dinner or walk the dog or pee. Or sleep.
I say, "Then read somebody else's books, not mine."
While I agree that ending one of my chapters "He hung up the phone and went to bed" gives a reader the perfect respite, that's not how I write.
Why? Because it's bleh.
I'd rather artfully, insidiously lead you by the eyes into the next chapter.
Let's pick, at random, a Dean Koontz chapter ending. Here's one; Chapter 3 of Intensity: "She wondered if the angle of his approach would give her a warning or if he would just be a sudden silhouette popping up from the booth as he opened fire on her."
The page before: "With a final sigh of air brakes, the vehicle stopped."
Which one keeps you reading?
Once upon a long time ago, while writing my saga The Rainbow's Foot, I was angsting over the motivation for moving my heroine from Colorado to California. A friend (a non-writer) said, "Why don't you just start your next chapter 'She stepped off the train in California'?"
Wll, yeah, I could do that, but it's the opposite of manipulation.
It's called cheating.
Leading one by the eyes is spot-on. Because those who know me know I have a thing about eye actions in a book. I hate it when eyes sweep the room, when eyes drop to the floor, when eyes are glued to somebody or something, when eyes follow or trail a person, when eyes light (up). As an editor I'll accept eyes rolling, even though I can't repress a bit of a wince.
But leading one by the eyes into the next chapter is a whole 'nother story. That's what I strive for in every single book I write.
And the very best words I can hear from a reader [other than "I just ordered 100 copies of The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter for Christmas gifts") is: "I couldn't put it down."
Here's the song I sing about chapter breaks when I grab a cup of caffeine abd sit in front of my computer at 7 a.m. (sung to "She'll be Comin' Round the Mountain"):
Oh, I'll be adding a twisty ending at the break
<at the break>
I'll be adding a twisty ending at the break
<at the break>
I'll be adding a twisty ending, so no one knows what's pending,
I'll be adding a twisty ending at the break.
La-la-la.
Bottom line: I plan to continue cliffhanging my chapters -- or if you prefer, manipulating my readers -- till the end of time. And If it stresses you out, well, you can always visit a masseuse :-)
So, my friends, how do YOU feel about cliffhangers?
Posted at 02:47 AM in Denise Dietz | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
QUIBBLES & BITS
I live in a small town on Vancouver Island, where the night life is watching Jeopardy at 7:30.
The people I hang with think it's cool that I'm a published author, but uncool that they can't buy my books at the bookstore.
Let me tell you about the bookstore. Once upon a time it was owned by a very nice man who supported local authors. The store had a full wall of crime fiction. It also had a knowledgeable staff, all of whom loved books. The nice man grew a wee bit older and, eventually, sold his store to a man I'll call Chester.
When Chester took over the store, he had an Open House to introduce himself. I attended, of course, to introduce myself. I asked Chester what kind of books he liked. He said, "I don't read."
Chester, admittedly, bought the store as an investment. Sadly, it now carries a few bestsellers, some newspapers and magazines, lottery tickets, and coffee table books. No more touting local authors and there's only one small corner devoted to crime fiction. The knowledgeable staff moved on (probably to bookstores owned and/or run by people who read).
Which brings me back to my friends who think it's cool that I'm an author. Except, they have no conception of the work involved, the high tolerance for silence, the angst of rejection. And they kinda wonder why I'm not...oh, say Mary Higgins Clark. Or Stephen King.
Which justifies, at least in my mind, the reason why I belong to so many Internet writers loops. Way too many. But I can't give them up. They are my links to the outside world, and, in my case, the real world.
Every 3 or so months, at least one of my loops brings up the subject of self-publishing.
Recently a list member tried to explain that her self-publishing outfit wasn't a vanity press. She said, "There are a few outfits which charge a token fee to cover the case that the book sells no copies at all."
To me, that's like saying, "This agent is okay because she only charges a token fee, just in case s/he can't sell your book."
Deni's Rule: Never pay a fee, and only use tokens on busses or subways!
But, just for grins, here's my self-publishing story. In 1997 I self-published THE RAINBOW'S FOOT, an 1893 -1925 saga (a'la Lonesome Dove), with an emphasis on Colorado's silent film industry. My novel also encompasses the Cripple Creek gold rush, the Ludlow Massacre, and the rise of Denver's KKK. I contracted a printing company and each book cost me just under $2.00 (Trade paperback). It was a straight business deal. I turned in a formatted manuscript and the cover art, and the printing company gave me copies of my book. In boxes. Cartons, actually.
But first, I established a press called "Voices," along with Mary Ellen Johnson, author of The Lion and the Leopard (Crown). Her self-published true crime, THE KILLING OF JACOB, is still being used for pre law courses.
As for my book, I used "niche marketing," touting the saga to Colorado libraries and bookstores (also, New Mexico, Texas, Kansas and California). At the time, POD technology was wearing diapers and learning to crawl. At the time, Ingram handled small, indie presses. So did Baker & Taylor.
At the time, I was traditionally published: two hardcover mysteries (Walker) and a mass market historical romance (Kensington: Pinnacle), with a contract for two more. I had an agent who had tried to market Rainbow but kept getting turn-downs that stated: "Although the writing is outstanding, no one buys sagas." My agent wished me luck (with my self-publishing) and continued to rep me.
My press run was 2500 copies, more or less. I did as much promotion as I could afford, then lucked out. A Florida (Florida?!) Borders manager read Rainbow and gave it a BINC number: a review-recommendation that runs in Borders' corporate newsletter, and except for three cartons (approx 75 books), I sold out. My profit was $10,000, more or less, mostly more.
I didn't do a second press run because I wanted to write books, not run a business, and I hated dealing with distributors, who are as sleazy as scummy, scammy, SPAMmy vanity publishers. For example, B&T would order 100 books, wait 90 days (when payment was due), and send back 75 (Ingram would do the same). The very next day, they'd order 75-100 more. For that "service," they took 55% of the retail price, and I paid postage. Remember Norm on Cheers? When I walked into the post office, everyone shouted, "Hi, Deni!"
Am I sorry I self-published Rainbow? No. Would I do it again, today? Not a chance. Voices doesn't exist anymore, but I have all my rights to The Rainbow's Foot, and maybe someday a publisher will reprint the novel in mass market paperback.
Another list member (on the same loop) said, "A self publishing outfit will publish ANYTHING you PAY them to publish no matter how amateurish or downright awful it is."
This is true, but I think the confusion is "self-publishing outfit." For Rainbow I used the same printing company that prints the Canadian editions of the Harry Potter books. Obviously, that company is NOT a vanity press in the sense the above poster means, unless you consider Rowlings a self-published author.
I've often said my novels have no socially redeeming values whatsoever, that they're written merely to entertain. I fibbed. In The Rainbow's Foot I address social issues that are dear to my heart, and I have another historical I'm marketing today - JENNY - where I address similar issues. But I won't self-publish Jenny. Been there,done that, and I have no intention of doing it again. It's too much damn work, and for Jenny there's no niche market.
The whole world is its niche.
Posted at 03:05 AM in Denise Dietz | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
Posted at 02:37 AM in Denise Dietz | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
QUIBBLES & BITS
Since today is the first day of Passover, I thought I'd focus on chutzpah, a Yiddish word that (loosely) means "supreme self-confidence," along with "nerve" or "gall." And it seems to have crept into our vocabulary to such an extent that it no longer needs to be italicized.
My dad oozed chutzpah. When I was a kid, growing up in NYC, he and I would dress to the teeth and "attend" movie premieres. We never actually had an invitation, you understand, and inevitably a security guy (usually NY's finest) would stop us and ask Dad who he was. "Bill Dietz," he'd say in a voice that suggested the cop should know. If the cop still held us back, my dad would add, "A friend of_____ (film's star or co-star). "Oh," the cop would say, "sorry Mr. Dietz."
I'd be this close -- extending arms and hands as far as they'll go -- to the movie stars I idolized (I wasn't allowed to ask for autographs, though).
Sometimes my dad and I even saw the movie :-)
A few years later (now college age), my friend Evvy and I would find out the dates of Broadway openings. We'd wait outside Sardi's (for those who don't know, or are too young, Sardi's is a Manhattan restaurant near the theatre district) until the cast and crew arrived. Then we'd mingle (the cast parties were held upstairs, on the second floor), eat some terrific food, wait for reviews, and say goodnight). Nobody ever asked who we were; they assumed we were members of the crew. It's all in the attitude.
So, what does that have to do with writing? (you ask)
Colorado Springs, where I lived before moving to Vancouver Island, hosts an annual writers conference. Even though I didn't have to pay for airfare or a hotel room, I usually couldn't afford the registration fee (or get time off from waiting tables). One year I joined a friend there early Sunday morning, for breakfast. My friend told me she'd met an editor who was starting a new romance line...
A few days later, I called the editor.
I'm a terrible liar. I mean, really terrible. In person my face turns crimson; on the phone I stammer. So, telling only the truth, I said, "I was at last weekend's conference, but you probably don't remember me" (especially since she'd never met me). I said I had a book that would fit her new line, and told her about it. I used an "elevator pitch" -- 30 words or less. She said to send 3 chapters and a proposal. I asked for her FedEx number. After a brief pause, she gave it to me - I could hear the smile in her voice. Exactly 10 days later (the fastest response I've ever had), she called and offered me a contract.
In honor of that occasion, I named one of my book characters Chutzpah (I'm not making this up).
And, I once told my daughter that the definition of chutzpah was getting in touch with Johnny Depp and asking him to escort her to the prom.
She "walked the dog" on that one!
Quote of the week: "Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions." Edward R. Murrow
Chutzpahly yours,
Deni
[writing as Denise Dietz and Mary Ellen Dennis]
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"I'd do everything for this bliss...yes, I'd do anything...anything for you."
Rehearsals for my stint in the musical Oliver! began last November. On March 4th the final curtain came down, following the cast's full-boogie reprise of "I'd do anything for you." We had our third standing ovation (in a town not known for ovations) and 4 curtain calls.
The life of an author is one of isolation--- "Writing requires a loner's temperament, a high tolerance for silence, and an unhealthy preference for
the company of people who are imaginary or dead"---so, for me, Oliver was medicinal. I'll miss it.
It seems, to me, as though I've been doing theatre forever. To put it in perspective, my first serious role was as Millie in Picnic. Millie is Madge's little sister, played by Susan Strasberg in the movie. Today I'd try out for the role of the mom. Or Mrs. Potts.
I've sung in South Pacific, Oklahoma, Kiss Me Kate, The Pajama Game, Damn Yankees, and a slew of other musicals. As a chorus member in Jesus Christ, Superstar, I even performed the Superstar number on roller-skates, to which I can only say "Oy" -- or "Ouch!"
That got me thinking. . .
Many artists have other creative outlets. For example, Keanu Reeves has his band, Dogstar, and Jamie Lee Curtis writes children's books. So does Madonna.
Curious, I posted the following on some of my internet lists: "I'm writing a blog on authors with other creative outlets. For example, I have a degree in art, which usually makes my cover artists tear their hair out :-) And, I'm appearing in a Victoria Music Society production of Oliver!"
Like the lady in the Jimmy Choo, I had so many responses I didn't know what to do. So I filed them in a special folder and will use them at various intervals. Meanwhile, here are a few of the responses.
Annette Mahon says, "My alternate creative endeavor is needlework. I do all kinds, but my passion is quilting. There's nothing like sitting down with an appliqué project, especially a Hawaiian quilt top, to relax me and help me think."
Also into quilting is Vicki Lane - author of the Elizabeth Goodweather Appalachian Mysteries. She says, "In response to your question re authors' other creative endeavors, I make quilts. I have three baby quilts going on at the minute. In fact, it was the fact of having a quilting book published in 2000 that gave me the urge to pursue the writing shtick further and on my own in a fictional fashion. And those quilts keep popping up in my mysteries.
Alexandra Sokoloff said, "Responding to your question about non-writing creative pursuits, I grew up doing musical theater, too, and I still dance all the time - jazz, ballet, swing, salsa. I've taught dance and I perform in an LA dance company when I can. And of course it's my great pleasure to sing as a Killerette in the ITW's Killer Thriller Band.
For the record, Alex, I'm thinking of starting a group and calling it "The Cozy (or if you prefer, Traditional) Killer Band."
Hailey Lind says, "I have run a decorative painting studio in the San Francisco Bay Area for more than a decade -- I paint murals, portraits, and apply faux finishes for a living. My idea of heaven is writing in the early morning, walking my dog, painting in my studio, and then writing again in the afternoon. It hardly ever works out that way, but it's my idea of bliss! Drumroll. . .Hailey's first novel has been nominated for an Agatha!
Mary Anna Evans says, "I'm a musician when I'm not writing books. I sing and play piano, clarinet, electric bass, and violin (in descending order of ability) and I'm just now taking up electric cello.
Mary Welk says, "I've played the guitar since I was 16. I met my husband because of the guitar -- mutual friends thought we'd get along because we both played that instrument, although he was more Bob Dylan while I was more Joan Baez.
I heard Dylan and Baez play together, Mary, on the U of Wisconsin campus, behind the Student Union, near the lake. It was an experience I'll never forget.
Tony Burton says, "When I have time, I like to act in the local little theater. Last summer I was in "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie. (Apropos for a mystery author!) I played the villain in the piece, too. If you have seen or read that story/play, you know that means I got to act suitably off center. AND... I have done voice-over work and am presently working on producing audio presentations of some of my short stories...in between everything else.
Julie Hyzy says, "I paint a bit. My medium of choice is watercolor. I *love* watercolors. I adore the way they feel on the paper, the way they look, the transparency...everything.
Julie asked me what part I played in Oliver. All I can say is that, without me and my fellow "adult chorus" members, they wouldn't have had a show.
I'm happy they called us an adult chorus. A "grown-up chorus" would have been a misnomer. (I'm on the left; my friend Annie is on the right.)
On The Actor's Studio, the host asks his guests what line of work they'd like to be in, if they weren't acting. Someday I'll write a blog on what kind of job authors would like best, if they weren't writing.
My secret (or not so secret) desire is to have my diet club mysteries become a TV series and receive a hefty paycheck every week for doing nothing.
Quote of the Week: "More, please." Oliver Twist.
Over and out,
Deni
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"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
The above is a "neologism"---a number of peculiar words, phrases, pronunciations, semantic or linguistic errors that have become part of popular folklore. That particular neologism was uttered by George W. Bush, and it could show up on an IQ test.
"What?" I hear you ask.
This Friday Gordon and I will fly to Toronto to tape a quiz show called Test The Nation. It's very popular in the UK, and this will be the Canadian version. The format for this particular show is an English Language test, and will include different groups: teachers, ad executives, word gamesters, comedians, sorority/fraternity kids, and my group...[romance] authors.
Test the Nation is a quiz-style, national IQ test. It's been done in 20+ other countries and now it's Canada's turn. The participants are made up of teams who compete against each other in general knowledge categories, and people at home can play along during the live show. At the end, scores are tallied. The winning team is announced and also...the winning individual.
There are no monetary prizes, but I'm hoping for...a T-shirt?
"What an incredible opportunity to make a complete ass of yourself on national TV," I hear you say.
To which I respond, "Yup." And add another Bush neologism: "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"
Test The Nation will be aired in late August, just in time for the start of the new school year.
Here is some (more) of what we were told will (might?) be covered:
TERMS OF VENERY:
Terms of venery are the special words and phrases applicable to the hunting world, and it was an indication of good breeding and knowledge to know the special term for a company of animals. Here are some common and less-common collective nouns for animals:
Band of coyotes
Brood of hens
Caravan of camels
Cast of hawks
Cete of badgers
Charm of goldfinches
Chine of polecats
Clowder of cats
Clutch of eggs
Colony of ants
Colony of penguins
Colony of beavers
Congregation of alligators
Covey of partridges
Crash of rhinoceroses
Descent of woodpeckers
Gaze of raccoons
Herd of buffalo
Herd of moose
Kindle of kittens
Leap of leopards
Lounge of lizards
Murmuration of starlings
Ostentation of peacocks
Pace of asses
Parliament of Owls
Party of jays
Pod of seals
Pod of walruses
Rafter of turkeys
Rhumba of rattlesnakes
Romp of otters
Scurry of squirrels
Shrewdness of apes
Siege of herons
Shiver of sharks
Sloth of bears
Tribe of goats
Trogle of snakes
Troop of kangaroos
Unkindness of ravens
Wisdom of wombats
Zeal of Zebras
I love "Parliament of Owls," (what an image; my fingers itch to sketch it), and "Zeal of Zebras" reminds me of when I wrote for Zebra and my (totally terrific) editor was Denise Little. Plus, I think any one of the above would make a great title for a book or story. Unkindness of Ravens by Denise Dietz sounds good.
Another topic I'm told we'll cover is "Words that end in -onym," like...
Acronym: A name formed by combining the first letters or groups of letters from a phrase. Example - SCUBA comes from self contained underwater breathing apparatus
Anatonym: (not to be confused with antonym) A verb based on a part of the body. Example - eye that gorgeous hunk, or foot the bill
Aptronym: A name that is suited to the profession of its owner. Example - Joe Speed the race car driver, or Brenda Baker the chef
Capitonym: A word that takes on new meaning when capitalized. Example polish becomes Polish
Eponym: A real or mythical person from whose name a place, a thing, or an event is taken. Example - from the Earl of Sandwich we get sandwich
Heteronym: Words with identical spellings but different meaning an pronunciation. Example - bow of a boat and bow and arrow, or tear in your eye and tear the paper.
Metonym: A word used to substitute for another word or phrase with which it is closely associated. Example - "crown" to refer to the monarchy, "sword" for military power, "brass" for military officers.
Patronym: A family name based on the name of an ancestor. Example - Watkinson is the son of Watkin, McDonald the son of Donald, O'Connell the son of Connell
Pseudonym: I hope y'all know what this one means :)
Tautonym: Words composed of two identical parts. Example - tutu or tom-tom
Toponym: A word that began as the name of a place. Example - hamburger is from Hamburg, Germany, or afghan, a soft blanket from Afghanistan.
And you thought all we Canadians talked about was hockey and maple syrup, didn'tcha?
Have I bored you yet? Oui? Non? Okay, here is some IQ trivia:
Famous IQs (estimated):
Leonardo da Vinci 220
Johann Sebastian Bach 165
Voltaire 190
Albert Einstein 160+
Sir Isaac Newton 190
Bill Gates 160
Charles Dickens 180
Sharon Stone 154
Plato 170
Madonna 140
Researchers have shown that each year of schooling is good for about 3.5 IQ points.
Conversely, dropouts lose IQ points. Swedish researchers found a 1.8-point IQ loss for each year of high school missed after dropping out.
Summer vacation means brain drain. Two independent studies show an IQ decline over the summer, increasing with every month out of school.
IQ marks have increased over the decades. If people taking an IQ test today were scored in the same way as people 50 years ago, 90% of them would be classified in the genius level. Experts think the rise in IQ scores has happened because of increased education and the advent of television and mass communications (i.e. we know more).
What you put in your mouth can affect your brain. A study of 1 million students in New York City revealed that school pupils did 14% better on IQ tests after preservatives, dyes, and artificial flavors were removed from their lunches.
People with high IQs tend to live longer and suffer less from certain diseases like depression, dementia and schizophrenia, but they also tend to suffer more from obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Although IQ correlates with school performance and job performance, it does not correlate very much with personal income. The best estimate available suggests that IQ explains less than 1/6 of the variance in income.
Women with a high IQ are 40% less likely to marry.
Caffeine can improve your IQ score. It doesn't make you smarter but makes you more alert and increases short-term memory :-)
Wine drinkers on average have a higher IQ than beer drinkers. Studies show a slight advantage to wine drinkers - but do wine drinkers have higher IQs because they drink wine or vice-versa ? It may be that some people with a high IQ reach a high social status and then choose to drink wine to fit in.
Workers distracted by phone calls, e-mails and text messages suffer a greater loss of IQ than a person smoking marijuana, a British study shows.
A recent study has shown that it is possible to increase one's IQ by regularly playing puzzle games.
[Gordon and I do the NY Times crossword puzzle every Sunday. I use blue ink, he uses red ink!]
And finally (do I hear applause?)... Some studies report differences in IQ between men and women, but magnitude of this difference is very small and the direction of the difference not very consistent.
Quote Of The Week: "Nothing requires a greater effort of thought than arguments to justify the rule of nonthought." Milan Kundera
Next Tuesday I'll tell you how my stint on Test The Nation turned out. If I made my team proud.
Or if I made a complete ass of myself on national TV.
It's happened before, but I'll save that story for another blog.
Over and Out,
Deni
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QUIBBLES & BITS
Some of you may have heard me tell this story before, but it's worth repeating.
My sister Marianne has always wanted to be a writer. Once upon a fairly long time ago, she phoned and asked how I found the time to write my books, especially since I had 3 kids (like she did), no child support, and I worked days at a video store and nights waiting tables.
I said, "Here's what you do, Marianne. Every day you get up an hour before Eddie and the kids. Sit at your computer and write for that hour. Even if you write one page, by the end of the year you'll have a book."
"But," she said, "I already get up an hour earlier than Eddie and the kids. I have to make breakfast and fix the kids' school lunches."
"Okay, Marianne," I said. "When Eddie takes off for work and the kids leave for school, sit at your computer - every day at the same time - and work for an hour. Even if you only write one page, by the end of the year you'll have a book."
"After Eddie and the kids leave for work and school," she said, "I have to clean the house. You know how Eddie is if the house is messy."
"Okay," I said, "after you clean the house, sit down at the computer and work for an---"
"After I clean the house, I have to change the sheets and do the laundry, and then I eat lunch."
"Okay, Marianne," I said, glancing at my clock. "After you do the laundry and eat lunch, sit down at your computer and work for an hour. If you produce only one page a day, by the end of the year you'll have a book."
"After I do the laundry and eat lunch," she said, "I have to walk the dog."
Walking the dog has become a catch-phrase in my family. If my daughter says she wants to join the local community theatre, possibly audition for a role in a production of My Fair Lady, but she can't seem to find the time, I say, "Sweetie, you're walking the dog."
Even Gordon has picked it up. When I procrastinate - or worse, justify the procrastination - he says, "Deni, you're walking the (insert expletive) dog."
There's a PS to my tale. I told my "walking the dog" story at a Denver writers conference. The following year a woman came running up to me. I didn't recognize her. I hate it when that happens. As I searched for a name, a reference, anything, she said, "You don't know me."
I swallowed a sigh of relief.
"I was here at this conference last September," she continued. "I don't remember what I ate or what I wore or what Famous Bestselling Author said on her panel, but I remembered your walking the dog story."
She paused. "And last year," she said, "I wrote a book."
Every time I tell that story, it's an effort not to bawl. Even writing it, I feel goose-bumpy.
So if you remember nothing else from my blogs, remember my walking-the-dog story. It's magic. It's Dumbo's feather. And, most importantly, it works.
This week I have 3 quotes (of the week):
"I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work." ~Pearl S. Buck
"What may be done at any time will be done at no time." ~Scottish Proverb
and...
"Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday." ~Author Unknown
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QUIBBLES & BITS
Recently, somebody on one of my [many . . . too many] 'net lists said that it's okay to have graphic violence in crime fiction, but graphic sex is wrong, awful, intolerable, _______ (fill in the blank with your own negative word).
To which I say, "Cow patties!"
Sex in a novel (and I'm purposely using sex rather than "romance" or "relationships"), like anything else, is good or bad depending on how well or poorly the sex scenes are written.
Someone else - on the same list - said she simply skips the sex parts. And yet another poster said he "skims it."
Sure, okay, whatever.
I read sex scenes, every word. Not because I find it titillating, but because I know that a good writer will write good sex scenes for a purpose. And the purpose has something to do with the plot. Or characterization. Or both.
When I was asked by a St. Martin's editor to write a new mystery series, he insisted on a romantic interest for my female protagonist (with or without consummation). Because, he said, it sells more books.
Does it?
I apologize in advance if this offends, but anyone who skims through sex scenes shouldn't be reading that particular book in the first place. As an author, I sweat just as profusely over sex scenes as any other scene, and I'd hate to think readers were skimming or skipping. And yes, of course my sex scenes are there for a reason. Everything in my mysteries are - or should be.
In my diet club mysteries, Ellie Bernstein has a healthy relationship with her homicide detective, Peter Miller.
In my Ingrid Beaumont/Hitchcock the Dog mysteries, Ingrid is in love with a veterinarian. Since her husband is in the witness protection program (which, by the way, is a great way to get rid of a character without actually killing him off), you could say Ingrid is committing adultery with her vet, Ben. So, okay, don't read Footprints in the Butter.
In my witch series - it's a "series" because I'm working on the second book - Sydney St. Charles doesn't exactly hop in and out of bed with strangers, and she only has one serious relationship per mystery, but she tends to fall in love/lust fairly easily, not unlike her 1692 Salem ancestor, Chastity.
Those are the stories I want to write and they won't appeal to everybody. But I'd go bonkers if I tried to please everybody. No sex. Yes, sex. No graphic violence. Yes, graphic violence. No talking cats. Yes, talking cats.
Only kidding. I don't write talking cats.
But talking parrots is a horse of a different colour!
As for my stand-alone mystery about an uptight actress possessed by a promiscuous demon. . .hmmm, maybe we'd better not go there :-)
Of all the fan letters and fan emails I've received over the years, I've only had one woman object, fairly vehemently, to the sex in one of my mysteries, which was much less "graphic" than the sex in my historical novels or my horror/mystery, FIFTY CENTS FOR YOUR SOUL.
I thanked the lady for her email and gave her a list of crime fiction novels that have no sex whatsoever. . .written by authors whom I admire. She didn't respond, but I pictured her falling off her chair.
It's a "Miracle on 34th Street" thing.
My quote of the week came about when I had a large-print offer for my first Ellie/Peter diet club mystery, Throw Darts at a Cheesecake, which was also my first published novel. Before I signed the contract, I asked if I could update and re-edit the book and they (Wheeler) said yes. So my quote is a double entendre.
"I'M A MYSTERY AUTHOR --
I WRITE WRONGS!" Denise Dietz
Over and Out,
Deni
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Left Coast Crime, that is.
Ferry from Victoria to Seattle: $90
Cab ride from dock to hotel / hotel to dock: $20 (with tip)
Half a hotel room (well, actually, I had the whole room, just shared it with my roomie): $298.24
Greeting "old" friends and meeting new ones: PRICELESS
New friends included Marshall Karp, bestselling author of THE RABBIT FACTORY ["Marshall Karp could well be the Carl Hiaasen of Los Angeles-only I think he's even funnier. The Rabbit Factory will touch your funny bone, and your heart." James Patterson] and BLOOD THIRSTY (due out this May). I played nice (not hard to do with Marshall) and scored an ARC of Blood Thirsty. Marshall writes about my favorite bloodthirsty town, Hollywood. "After two murders, the list of suspects becomes as long as the credits in a summer blockbuster." How cool is that phrase?
Here I'm peeking over the shoulder of Merlot, a member of the FANtastic 4MysteryAddicts loop, arguably the best, most well-informed, not to mention friendliest, readers' list on the 'net.
Look down, please, at Donna Moore, gobsmackingly (new word) accepting her well-deserved Lefty Award for GO TO HELENA HANDBASKET --- First chapter excerpt here.
I must now say something about my LCC panel, because it says a lot when I have as much fun as the audience. It was called LIKE WATCHING GRASS GROW, a bit of a misnomer. I don't know about other authors, but I prefer to watch words evolve. In truth, it was an Improv Panel, and I kind of wished they'd called it that.
Improvise: To make, invent or arrange offhand.
My fellow panelists were Larry Karp, John Daniels, Christine Kling . . . and, of course, the audience. Our excellent moderator was Dana Stabenow.
Dana said we'd be "sitting in front of hundreds of people watching us achieve critical mass in an evolutionarily creative 50 minutes."
I like that. It sounds much more soothing than improvise.
At precisely noon-oh-five on Saturday we greeted our audience, then asked them to participate by shouting out various locales [for our evolutionarily-creative book]. We then narrowed our choices, selected a couple of enticing locales, and devised a plot that took place at a carnival near Seattle's Space Needle. I liked the suggestion about setting our book aboard a destroyer, so we added a carnival ride, not unlike a merry-go-round, with miniature ships . . . or boats . . . or whatever the bloody heck destroyers are called. Warships?
Our heroine was a stripper named Peaches, who had received breast implants from a doctor who'd fallen in love with her (but, unfortunately, not she with him).
Red herrings included a lounge piano player, also in love with Peaches, a jealous stripper named Victoria Secretes (hee!) and the ex-husband of sweet, juicy Peaches.
After various twists and turns, including the accidental death of Victoria Secretes atop an exploding Ferris wheel (nowadays ya gotta have some blood, guts and gore; at least we didn't kill a cat!), the perp turned out to be the doctor's nurse, who was in love with the doctor and jealous of Peaches. The nurse inserted a small bomb into the breast implants that were supposed to go to Peaches, but the surgeon mixed up the implants and gave the "doctored one" (so to speak) to Victoria Secretes, who had scheduled the same operation, emulating her rival, the tender, bruised-by-life Peaches.
People in the audience were wiping tears from their eyes. I believe the tears were from laughter. If I'm wrong, please don't tell me. I know for a fact that I heard guffaws.
At the end of the panel I said, "We haven't named our book. I think we should call it BREASTLESS IN SEATTLE."
Later, people who weren't at the panel said they heard laughs wafting (a word I hate, but right now I can't think of another one) from our room.
Okay, your turn. Please click on comments and give me another word for "waft."
This week's Quote Of The Week is one of my own. Before I was published (and for that matter, many years after I was published), I waited tables. A restaurant hostess, aware of my many "rave rejections," asked me how I could possibly live with all that rejection. Not even pausing to think, I said, "If you drop a dream, it breaks."
That has become my mantra. I've hit career bumps and, occasionally, black ice. I've hit bad patches. I've played B'rer Rabbit. I've wanted to give up. But I always think: If you drop a dream, it breaks.
Over and out,
Deni
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It's off to Left Coast Crime/Seattle I go!
My panel is on Friday, Feb 2nd. It's called LIKE WATCHING GRASS GROW: MYSTERY IMPROV WHILE YOU WAIT. On the Left Coast Crime website it says: The creative process (in many art forms) consists of sitting and thinking, visualizing, pondering until the artist suddenly erupts. We're asking our intrepid panelists to create in front of us; they'll be given a character, or a plot idea, or a situation and we'll get to watch them deal with it using their own stuff or any idea they want to use.
Am I nervous about an improv panel? Don't be silly.
I'm not nervous. I'm terrified!
On Saturday, Feb 3, from noon to 2:00, I'm booksigning at:
THE SEATTLE MYSTERY BOOKSTORE
117 Cherry Street in Pioneer Square
(206) 587-5737
staff@seattlemystery.com
When I return home on SuperBowl Sunday, I'll be way behind on my free-lance editing. Not to mention my own WIP (work-in-progress) -- GYPSY ROSE LIEBERMAN -- the first book in a new series about a Vaudeville ghost. So, hoo-ray, Gordon will blog next Tuesday.
By the way, I know this is really hard to believe, but when I googled "Gypsy Rose Lieberman," I discovered that no one had used that title yet.
QUIBBLES & BITS
BIT: Today is my birthday. By the time I post this blog and you read it, my birthday will be over. . . and I'll feel the way I feel after I file my tax returns.
I'm kinda like that old guy in the Hallmark commercial, the one who thinks birthdays are for kids. Does anyone else cry over Hallmark commercials?
I once told a friend I didn't have birthdays anymore. She said, "You have them. You just don't celebrate them."
True.
So I've decided to heed the words of wisdom by Charles Shultz. Lucy . . . or maybe it was Snoopy . . . said: "Pick an age you like and stick with it."
One tends to get a tad philosophical when one has a birthday. One even tends to wonder if one made the right career choice. But rather than get all profound -- and/or mushy -- I'll just say that, if I had it all to do over again . . .
I wouldn't have quit my rock group!
BIT: I was the lead singer for a British rock 'n roll group. Our biggest gig was on a cruise ship, our most popular song "Happy anniversary Mr. and Mrs. Abramowitz . . ."
BIT: Following in my footsteps (except I walk somewhat duck-footed and he doesn't) is my son Glen, a member of the rock group WoolEye.
People born on Jan 29
1843 William McKinley
1880 W C Fields
1924 Brian Trubshaw
1918 John Forsythe
1942 Katherine Ross
1943 Tony Blackburn
1945 Tom Selleck
1952 Tim Healy
1954 Oprah Winfrey
People Still Alive and Kicking:
Brigette Bardot 71
Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Deborah Kerr 94 (WOW!)
Lena Horne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71
Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Jean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
Kim Novak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73
Shirley Temple 77 (NO!)
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St John 65
Liz Taylor 73 (WOW!)
Mamie Van Doren 74
My quote of the week is by that oft-quoted philosopher, Anonymous, who said, "Remember how you felt when you were 16."
I'm not exactly sure what that means.
Think young, I guess.
So . . . how did YOU feel when you were 16?
Over and Out,
Deni
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Yeah...okay...the two words -- "booboisies" [which was in my synonym finder] and "multiples" -- don't exactly go together [like horse and carriage, love and marriage, bagels and cream cheese]. I'm not even sure booboisie can be plural. On the other hand, "gaggle" didn't sound right and I was trying for a clever subject heading.
Plus, I like the way booboisie trips off the tongue [and I suspect from now on I'll be using it often in casual conversation, even if it does sound a tad risqué].
QUIBBLES & BITS
My QUIBBLE this week is "Multiple Submissions."
I happened to be talking to a friend about that very thing -- multiple submissions to publishing houses that don't require an agent-submit.
Yes, a few, a very few, still exist.
"What's the bottom line?" my friend said. "If two pub houses want you, fine."
"Yes, fine," I responded. "As long as you STATE it's a multiple submission when you submit."
My friend mulled that over, silently. I'm sure, in her head, she was debating the pros and cons. She's good at that. She can even multi-task!
"In the case of my publisher," I told her, "your manuscript would be returned, unread, because my publisher doesn't accept multiples."
Why not? you ask, as I leave my friend mulling.
The answer is that there are multiple [hee!] answers...but here are a couple.
An editor might have one slot open and turn down a worthy book to make an offer on yours. You say, "Sorry, I've decided to go with another house," and, believe it or not, you've cheated the author who was turned down.
In an American/Canadian Idol world, the editor would then call the rejected author and say, "Guess what? We want your book after all," but, unfortunately, that's not the way it works.
Maybe you don't care about that. After all, you don't actually KNOW the author who was turned down, so it's no skin off your teeth. Then how about the editor who invested time -- and sometimes a great deal of emotion -- into reading your book? An editor who may very well have fought for that book.
What? You don't think we fight for books we love? Think again.
Case in point: I free-lance edit for a publisher [as well as individual authors]. Once upon a long time ago, I recommended a book by an aspiring author. His manuscript needed work -- I'm talking many, many hours of editing. There were tons of newbie mistakes and huge portions [of text] that needed clarification. I'm fairly certain, in his own mind, the author knew exactly what he meant to say, only he hadn't expressed it coherently.
But I really, really liked the author's voice, which sang to me, and I decided I was willing to put in the extra editing time, even though I don't get paid by the hour.
To make a long story short, pun intended, I fought hard for that book and, in the end, the author was offered a contract. He diddled about until he couldn't any more, then said no thanks because he had submitted elsewhere at the same time and he was waiting to hear and, he baldly stated [even though I'm not sure how anybody with a full head of hair can baldly state], "If you want it, someone else will too."
One of the someone-else pub houses where he had submitted was a house that I know -- for a fact -- doesn't accept multiple submissions.
For the record, this happened three+ years ago. Every once in a while I check the non-pub's website. He still hasn't sold his book, and I know why.
His manuscript requires way too much editing!
And he can't re-submit to the only publisher/editor who was willing to give him a chance.
I'm not saying one shouldn't multiple. Au contraire. Literary agents do it all the time. But lit agents know what they're doing!
I'm just saying that if you submit to a pub house yourself, without an agent, read [and if necessary memorize] the guidelines first!
And if you decide to break the rules, live with the consequences.
IN THE BIZ:
A new mystery novel came out last week. It's called RETIREMENT HOMES ARE
MURDER by Mike Befeler, and it's one of the funniest books I've ever read.
Caveat: I was the editor for that book.
And I still chortle every time I think about it.
Quote of the week:
When Jennifer Aniston wanted to guest-star on 24, the executive producer turned her down. "You can't put those people on [the show] because they're too recognizable," he said. "They'll take you [viewers] out of the reality."
It's nice that I can put celebs in my fiction and not take my readers out of the reality. I have a bunch in CHAIN A LAMB CHOP TO THE BED, which takes place in Aspen, Colorado. I have real people in EYE OF NEWT, too, but they're dead.
No, I didn't kill them. Salem judges found them guilty of witchcraft.
Next Tuesday's blog will be posted on my birthday, and you'll read it the day before I leave for Left Coast Crime. Therefore, it will probably be very profound. Or not.
Over and out,
Deni
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