Hey, There's A Dead Guy in the Living Room

The Authors Guild versus the Amazon Kindle 2

Deni Dietz filling in for Robin...

The following was written by Marilynn Byerly, who gave me permission to post it on Dead Guy. Marilynn isn't a lawyer or a member of the Authors Guild but has been interested in electronic rights for over ten years.  She has researched the subject of text-to-speech over the last several years.  Her  science fiction, fantasy, suspense, and romance novels have won major awards including the National Readers Choice Award, the Sapphire, the Write Touch, and Reviewer's Choice Awards.  She has also been named an outstanding achiever in romance by one major romance magazine.

The new Kindle 2 announced the second version of their extremely popular ebook reader. One of the new features is the ability to read the books aloud with a computer voice.

Immediately, the Authors Guild expressed its unhappiness with this feature and demanded that Amazon disable it. Amazon laughed in response, and the Authors Guild threatened a lawsuit. The Authors Guild has also told its members to hold off assigning ebook rights in their contracts until this matter is settled.

No trade blog, press article, or the Authors Guild has clarified this situation or has really defined what this means to writers and readers so I've put this article together to do so.

First, some definitions.

TEXT-TO-SPEECH, TTS, OR VOICE-TO-SPEECH: A computer program that reads text aloud with a computerized voice, or the audio version of that reading. TTS programs are on all computers these days and on many PDAs, cell phones, etc.

AUDIOBOOK: A human verbal performance of a book that is recorded digitally. This performance may be by an individual or a group of actors. Audiobooks are created by companies who contract the audio rights of the book from the author or publisher.

COPYRIGHT: The legal protection of the ownership of intellectual property including writing. For a simple definition, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copyright For a more complex discussion of copyright, particularly publishing and copyright, check out this site by publishing lawyer, Ivan Hoffman. http://www.ivanhoffman.com

RIGHTS: In publishing, rights refer to the different types of format sales for a written work. Some of the rights that can be contracted from an author are the right to publish a paperback version, a hardcover version, an ebook version, and an audio version of a work.

~*~

The major legal problem with TTS is that it has never been clearly defined through a lawsuit or some other legal means. Right now, no one can say with legal certainty that TTS is a right on its own, a part of the audio rights, or part of the ebook rights.

Amazon's stance is that TTS is part of the ebook rights so the Kindle can use TTS on all ebooks.

The Authors Guild's stance is that TTS is part of the audio rights so Amazon can't use TTS without a contract for audio rights.

Some authors are saying that TTS is a right by itself, and that, unless publishers have contracted that right, neither they nor Amazon have any right to use TTS with an ebook.

Many of the major publishers are taking no stance because the issue is so unclear, and they use DRM (digital rights management) to prevent the ebook from being read with TTS because they don't know if they have that right.

Some audiobook publishers are so leery of the unclear legal status of TTS that they refuse to contract a book that allows TTS in ebook format.

With all these problems, it's easy to see why authors and the Authors Guild are so upset by Amazon's grab for TTS rights on books. If Amazon succeeds, many authors may lose their lucrative audio rights without payment. If TTS is a right on its own, then Amazon will be taking an author's right they haven't paid for.

Also, TTS has improved dramatically in the last years, and in the near future, TTS programs should improve their quality until they are almost equal to a human reading. If authors don't fight to retain TTS rights now, they may lose a valuable right in the future.

Where does this leave everyone? In a serious mess.

The best thing that can happen for all the parties involved is that TTS rights will be finally defined legally.

VARIOUS POINTS ABOUT THIS ISSUE ELSEWHERE.

A remarkable amount of nonsense and grandstanding has appeared over the web on this subject, and I'd like to clarify some of these points.

* This will make reading to your kids illegal.

No, it won't. Reading aloud to your children or privately to someone else will never be illegal. What is illegal is reading someone else's work for profit without permission. In other words, you can read A CAT IN THE HAT to your kids or a group of kids, but if you do that and charge admission without the permission of the Dr. Seuss' estate or publisher, it is illegal. It is also illegal to sell a copy of your reading if you do so without permission.

* Publishers and authors are just being greedy.

Asking for payment for work done isn't greedy. Authors, with just a few exceptions, don't make much money, and publishing has a very low margin of profit so the industry needs fair profit just to stay afloat.

* This is will hurt those with visual disabilities.

The publishing industry, both authors and publishers, allowed free audiocopies of books and large print copies of books aimed at the visually impaired long before various disabilities acts were passed, and it has remained friendly and accessible to the visually impaired.

Right now, many ebooks have TTS cut off because of the confusion about TTS rights so a legal clarification will make more books available for TTS through the rightful contractor of those rights.

* I bought this ebook. I can do what I damn well please with it.

No, you can't. An ebook is intellectual property. When you buy a copy, you are allowed to read it, but you don't have the right to copy it and give it or sell it to others.

Authors or publishers, however, will not chase you down and brutalize you if you read that book with TTS or print out a copy for your own personal use.

This current controversy is about Amazon's grab for rights most publishers and authors don't believe they've contracted. It's not about individuals using TTS. 

A Vulture Named Michael

Hi from Deni, guest blogging for Robin.

Since I have a bazillion deadlines---and, boy, do I know why they're called DEADlines--- I thought I'd blog about the items on my desk. Which, of course, I'm looking at as I write this blog.

I think writing should be fun, so the items on my desk tend to make me smile. First and foremost, one's gaze is drawn to a statue of Edgar Allen Poe, looming over a red Staples "That was easy" button.

I have two personas. Denise Dietz writes mysteries that have no socially redeeming values whatsoever, and Mary Ellen Dennis writes historical fiction that is ageless. Deni's mysteries and Mary Ellen's historicals always include romantic elements, inspired by their mutual best friend, lover and husband, Gordon Aalborg. Gordon's office is upstairs, in the loft, and he often sends Deni emails suggesting they meet for coffee (in the kitchen). Meanwhile, his photo graces her desk, along with Cat Tracks, Deni's favorite "Gordon book."

Deni has a wonderful photo of her actress sister, Eileen Dietz, who played the possession scenes (and The Demon) in "The Exorcist" and inspired Deni to write Fifty Cents For Your Soul, which Publishers Weekly called "Hollywood noir."

Deni likes to listen to show music. On her desk she has a stack of CDs that include Les Mis, Candide, Once Upon a Mattress, Phantom of the Opera, and a dozen other Broadway shows. She also has the Dixie Chicks, Harry Chapin, and Barbra Streisand. Mary Ellen prefers Celtic music and drove Deni daft by listening non-stop to Loreena McKenna's "The Highwayman" while writing The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter.

Mary Ellen has a huge framed poster of Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of The Mohicans. Deni, who once sang professionally and had a reviewer compare her to Judy Garland, has Judy Garland memorabilia. Deni's poster shows The Wizard of Oz's Dorothy in a biker bar, with the caption: TOTO, I DON'T THINK WE'RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE.

Deni and Mary Ellen share the same desk. Aside from their individual piles of research books, photos, notebooks and scrap paper, aside from their computer screen, keyboard, modem, phone and printer, they share a stuffed "deadline vulture" that perches on top of the modem. Deni named it Michael Seidman after her first editor. Deni and Mary Ellen share a heavy rock, ostensibly a paperweight, that has CREATE chiseled on its surface. They also share a small ceramic tortoise; it reminds them that if you only write one page a day, by the end of the year you'll have written a book. Both write more than one page a day. Deni likes the stress of deadlines, Mary Ellen prefers to finish her manuscripts before she sends them to her agent (they share the same agent). Deni owns a small ceramic frog in a witches hat, seated behind a crystal ball. The frog inspires her to write Toe of Frog (AKA "The Da Vinci Toad"), her sequel to Eye of Newt. In that book readers will meet a reincarnated Rottweiler who is afraid of doorbells and songs from the 1970s.

Leaning against the wall is Deni's Lamb Chop hand puppet, given to her by a fan who read Chain a Lamb Chop to the Bed, the third Ellie Bernstein "diet club" mystery (the 4th in the series, Strangle a Loaf of Italian Bread, will be out in May).

Finally, Mary Ellen collects angels. Her favorite angel holds a piece of paper with a Luciano de Crescenzo quote: "We are each of us angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing each other."

VIEWING THE REVIEWER

Deni Dietz's QUIBBLES & BITS

Responding to critics of Carnal Knowledge, Mike Nichols said, "A critic at a movie is a eumuch at a gangbang."

Which made me think. . .  How many times have we banged our heads against our keyboards because the person who reviewed our books didn't "get it"?

Or, even worse, didn't read it!

Or was just plain nasty.

When my historical romance Dream Dancer came out, a reviewer whom we'll call "Ms. Axtogrind" attacked me, personally (in print, of course), then said the hero of my book had burned to death in a circus fire. I don't think I'm giving anything away when I say my hero did not die. Ms. Axtogrind was fired shortly thereafter, but I'm fairly certain her review impacted my sales. I mean, would you read a romance where one of the protagonists burns to death? Joan of Arc, maybe.

I threw the question up for grabs on some of my email loops. The have-you-ever-had-a-quirky-or-nasty-review question, not the would-you-read-a-romance-where-the-protag-meets-a-fiery-death question, and I've culled some of my favorites:

Jack Williamson, a science fiction author, got a review which said he wrote like a comic strip writer. Someone saw that and hired Williamson to write a sciece fiction comic strip called "Beyond Mars."

Author Tod Goldberg says: "Sadly, the fine folks at PW have not yet been kind enough to provide me with the home address of the person who wrote of my debut novel, Fake Liar Cheat: 'Goldberg's smarmy, self-congratulatory debut novel breaks little new ground in its quest to debunk shallow American notions of celebrity, materialism and self-fulfillment.'"

PW wrote much nicer things about Tod's next book, but he says, "In my heart, Publishers Weekly will always be the people who notified the world that I was smarmy and self-congratulatory. And I thought I did that pretty well by myself."

Writing about John Westermann's novel, Exit Wounds, a reviewer said: "Clearly the author has never been inside a police station. His policemen are vulgar and crass."

Westermann, who spent 21 years as a cop, says, "Crass and vulgar? Some of my people considered it an art form."

Greg Herren says: "The one thing the reviewer harped on (regarding Murder in the Rue Dauphine) was that 'outside of the main character, Herron doesn't get inside the heads of his characters. It would have been nice to know what was going on inside their heads as well.' Considering the fact that the novel was written in first-person and the main character wasn't a psychic, I kind of scratched my head over that one."

In a review of an anthology of Civil War spy stories, the reviewer assumed Patti (P.G.) Nagle's story was a romance because it its title, The Courtship of Captain Swenk. "He obviously hadn't read the story," Patti says, "because it wasn't romantic at all. The Captain is courting an old battleaxe widow as an excuse for spying activities."

Janet Dawson's PW review for Where the Bodies are Buried sniped at her because her heroine/sleuth, Jeri Howard, didn't figure out who the killer was until the end of the book. "As though there would have been a rest of the book if Jeri had figured out whodunit in the middle," Janet says. "Please! That was the most idiotic hatchet job I've ever seen."

The same week the New York Times called Robert Rosenberg's first book, Crimes of the City, the most notable thriller of 1991, the reviewer in Ha'arentz said it was a cartoon.

"But I think the reviewer issue should be put in perspective," Robert insists. "While my agent was trying to sell my first book, I kept asking for the rejections and she kept saying no. Finally, after she found a publisher (Simon & Shuster), she sent me a sampling (of the rejections). One editor wrote: 'The plotting is elegant, the writing pedestrian, and the characters are flat.' Another editor wrote: 'The writing is elegant, the plotting pedestrian, and the characters are lively.' And a third wrote that the writing was flat, the characters interesting, and the plotting terrific. In other words, one can only wonder if they read the same book!"

And finally, reviewer Joe Scarpato says, "I love writing reviews most when I either love the book or hate the book. The in-betweens are the hardest to write. . . although I try to make each review entertaining as well as informative."

His favorite pan was a one-word summation of A.A. Milne's The Red House Mystery. Joe simply wrote "Pooh!"

VOTE ONCE, VOTE TWA-ICE...

When Elizabeth Taylor got a hole in her throat, I canceled my plane."
-- Shirley MacLaine

How many of you think Elizabeth Taylor deserved her Oscar for Butterfield 8?

Her fellow noms were: Greer Garson in SUNRISE AT CAMPOBELLO
Deborah Kerr in THE SUNDOWNERS
Shirley MacLaine in THE APARTMENT
Melina Mercouri in NEVER ON SUNDAY

I only ask because it relates to the following...

Deni Dietz

QUIBBLES & Bits

Today I'm going to talk about one of my pet peeves. You might even call it a hot-button pet peeve.

No, not sex in mysteries. That doesn't bother me.

No, not multiple POVs. With the exception of excessive head-hopping, I like multiple viewpoints.

I'm not even going to mention posting BSP, and only BSP, on an internet loop. Or answering every damn individual email with a "Me, too" or "Thanks" and then adding a siggy line as long as Cat Deeley's legs. Or writers refusing to trim a previous post because "no one will know what I'm referring to."

Instead, I plan to talk about trawling, or if you prefer, trolling, for votes.

"What the bloody heck does she mean?" I hear you ask. "Is she talking about the presidential election?"

No. At least, not at this time ;-)

Here's the thing. While I know this isn't a new trend, it's become really rampant as more and more authors trawl (or if you prefer, troll) for "votes" in order to win various awards. Or maybe a better word would be plead for votes.

I recently received a cc'd email from an author (whom I know slightly), asking me to go to some website --- she kindly provided a link --- and vote for her book. If I did, she'd win some kind of award for excellence. And, she insisted, I should do this in order to "support small-press authors."

Do you find that pathetic, or is it just me?

She didn't ask if I'd read her book! Nor did she gave a rat's spit if I had. She made it very clear that reading her book wasn't relevant.

Voting was.

If people haven't read the book and vote merely to support a friend, or a friend of a friend, or a friend of a friend of a friend, or a fellow author, doesn't the award then becomes meaningless?

Or, again, is it just me?

Some authors think a meaningless award is worth its weight in zircons. It gives one bragging rights: "I'm so thrilled. 'Gone with the Flatulence' just won first prize for excellence at literary_award_for_sale-dot-com."

Not that I think anyone reading this blog would vote for a book without reading the book first. I'm just sayin.

Over and Out,
Deni

HOT OR NOT?

QUIBBLES & BITS

From Deni Dietz, wearing her editor's hat.

Recently I've had a slew of ugly duckling  romance submissions. Well, the submissions weren't ugly---except for all those underlined words; italics are okay nowadays, people, honest!

The heroines were ugly ducklings.

Not!

Apparently, romance heroines don't have mirrors.

So that got me thinking...

In movies, as well as books, the "ugly" girls always look as if they are three seconds away from dieting effortlessly, then ripping off their oversized glasses and starring in an Olay commercial.

Here are some examples:

Drew Barrymore, Never Been Kissed. Newspaper reporter Josie/Drew is sent back to high school for an undercover report. A former outsider, all it takes to hot up Josie is to dress her like the real-life Barrymore, including a cutesy head of ringlets, and soon Josie's popular as all get out. Was she hot or not? Not. Drew can play ugly really well.

Julia Roberts, America's Sweetheart. Kiki/Julia is the personal assistant to her drop-dead gorgeous actress sister. Kiki's dowdy, but it's nothing some wardrobe and hair straightener can't fix. Still, the hero is able to see that beneath the ponytails, glasses, and sensible sweater sets, Kiki's got a great personality. Of course it helps that she's, uh, Julia Roberts. Hot or not? Hot, in a sexy librarian way.

Anne Hathaway, Princess Diaries. Mia/Anne, an awkward, gangly teen, discovers that she's heir to small European nation. The royal stylist tames Mia's birdnest of frizzy curls, trims her unibrow, ditches her glasses, and turns her into a beauty. Hot or Not? Not. Anne Hathaway makes a surprisingly convincing ugly duckling.

Janeane Garofalo, The Truth About Dogs and Cats. Radio talk-show host Abby/Janeane chickens out when a handsome man wants to meet her and instead asks her model friend Uma Thurman to impersonate her. Abby falls in love with the handsome man, but her makeover is largely internal. Hot or Not? Hot. Despite Thurmond's supposedly physical superiority, Abby is charming, smart, and cute. To the movie's credit, she doesn't require a glamorous makeover to nab the hot guy in the end.

And finally...

Nia Vardalos, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Toula/Nia is a single, shy, 30-year-old Greek woman living with her parents and working at the family restaurant, until she decides to transform her life by getting a makeover. She ditches the glasses, buys a new wardrobe, and discovers the magic of makeup. Hot or Not? Not. Props to Mia for allowing herself to look atrocious at the beginning of the film.

Any other candidates? How about Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality?

As I write this blog, I'm working on a book where the heroine is Not in the beginning and Hot by the end of the book. She weighs the same at age 19 as she did at 10, but...she grows 9 inches taller.

Over and Out,
Deni, wishing she could grow 9 inches taller!

What d'ya mean, second-mortgage my house?

Deni Dietz

QUIBBLES & BITS

When I finished writing my first-ever book, THROW DARTS AT A CHEESECAKE, I thought: Hoo-boy, a publisher will buy my book, I'll quit waiting tables, and before you can say Jackie Robinson [my protagonist's cat] I'll be rich and famous.

Yeah, right.

The photo to the left is my reaction to my editor (Michael Seidman) when I asked him how I could increase my book sales and he told me to second-mortgage my house and go on the road.

Because...I couldn't do that. I was waiting tables at night and raising 3 kids, 3 dogs and 2 cats on a very limited budget (fortunately, I was a terrific waitress).

But there was one thing I could do...

Schedule booksignings!

For my first-ever [mall] booksigning, my manager at The Olive Garden restaurant (where I waited tables) gave me an enormous cheesecake.  It attracted kids like a magnet.  "Is that free, lady?"  "Is that really free, lady?"  "Can I have a piece, lady?"  "Can I have another piece, lady?"  "Hey, y'all, this lady says the cake is free."

Where are your parents? I thought somewhat desperately, as I watched a gaggle of pre-teens dribble cheesecake crumbs on the small stack of brand-spanking-new hardcovers waiting to be bought and signed.

Finally, a mom pushed a stroller up against my table.  "Is that a cookbook?" she asked, pointing to my THROW DARTS AT A CHEESECAKE stack with her double wedge of free cheesecake.

"You could call it that," I replied, not quite lying through my fake smile, wondering what my royalty payment would be on one book.

And here's the funny part. I honestly thought if I signed any left-over books [in the case of my first mall signing, that meant all but the one bought by the cookbook lady], the books couldn't be returned to the publisher.

Yeah, right!

After a signing in Denver -- where I quickly learned that you don't schedule a booksigning opposite a Broncos football game -- I scribbled my signature on the dozen or so left-over CHEESECAKE hardcovers with a red pen. I can't remember why I used a red pen...maybe I thought red looked spiffy, maybe I thought it looked like, you know, blood.  It was the one and only time I signed with red ink.  Eighteen months later, at a signing in L.A. for BEAT UP A COOKIE [the second book in my "diet club" mystery series], someone handed me a copy of THROW DARTS AT A CHEESECAKE to personalize...

It was already signed...

In red ink.

Dial 555-2008

WISHING YOU A VERY HAPPY, HEALTHY, SUCCESSFUL 2008!!!

But I have to say that 2007 was a Very Good Year!

It's always a good year when you write a book, and I just turned in STRANGLE A LOAF OF ITALIAN BREAD, the 4th Ellie Bernstein/Lt. Peter Miller "diet club" mystery to my publisher. Plus, DESTINY'S DAUGHTER, the second Mary Ellen Dennis historical, to my agent.

It's an especially good year when you have a book come out to starred reviews. I'll be honest. All I really wanted was to see THE LANDLORD'S BLACK-EYED DAUGHTER in print. I love the poem "The Highwayman" and I loved my interpretation in novel form. It's incredible success was a surprise...and a thrill beyond words.

My friends, this is my last weekly (Tuesday) blog. My new Dead Guy status is "designated blogger." I think that means I can't drink or something.

Over and Out,
Deni

have yourself a MERRY little christmas

No QUIBBLES & BITS on Christmas Day, my friends. Instead, here are some holly-jollies to make you smile:

CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED:

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
* * * * * * * * * *
Christmas Eve my friend came to visit and we were talking and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Five things to say about gifts you don't like:

5. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

4. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

3. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. And to think that this is the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their identical appearance. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Eve their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

Christmas morning the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts and crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with  this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," said the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
CHRISTMAS DOWNSIZING:

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And finally, in the spirit of this blog...

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Peace & Love,
Deni

Have Yourself a Merry Little C-word

QUIBBLES & BITS

Have you noticed the lack of the word "Christmas" in Christmas?

This year Seattle airport dumped their annual Christmas trees in favor of some bland, generic "winterscape."

So I gotta tell ya. As a person who prefers bland, generic beaches and oceans to bland, generic winterscapes, I'm totally insulted.

Seriously, folks...

An English Santa was given a green costume because a school decided his red suit smacked of "modern commercialism" and remind students of Coke. (that's Coca-Cola, not coke-coke.)

Hey, you're gonna love this one: In Australia, a store Santa says he was fired for saying, "Ho, ho, ho" instead of "Ha, ha, ha." According to the Cairns Post, Santa's employer ruled "ho, ho, ho" could be demeaning to women.

Question: Have you ever met anyone who was personally offended by the celebration of Christmas? Or anyone who got their knickers in a twist at the sight of a Christmas-themed window display?

I haven't.

As a little kid I'd walk down New York City's 5th Avenue and stare with incredulous delight at the window displays. And when I was six I recorded two songs (one on each side) for a record produced by a distant relative, lyricist Howard Dietz. Cousin Howard's songs included "Dancing in the Dark" and "You and the Night and the Music." On one side of my record I sang "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." On the other side, "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer." My record sold quite well. So sue me!

As an adult kid, I still watch the original Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol (the one with Alistair Sim).

My point is, Christmas is for people who believe in goodwill toward men, who believe in peace, love and fir trees, who believe in department store Santas, Salvation Army Santas, candy canes, fruitcake, credit card overdoses, and the lecherous dangling of mistletoe.

As an author and a person, I object to censorship of any kind, and that includes censorship of the C-word!

Did you hear that, Wal-Mart?

Oh, wait. Apparently Wal-Mart backtracked and told its greeters to stop substituting "holidays" for the C-word.

And now...for last minute shoppers, may I recommend a fun book? You could probably even stuff it in a stocking!

MURDER, EH? by Lou Allin
Northern Ontario realtor Belle Palmer is showing the lakefront mansion of a prominent businesswoman when she discovers the lady strangled in her bathtub. Could this third break-and-enter death reveal a serial killer at large in the Nickel Capital? The woman's only child, a precocious 12-year-old named Micro, comes to stay with Belle's neighbors and wins her heart. Then after an argument, the boy disappears, riding off into the cold September night on his bicycle. His computer shows a cryptic correspondence that sends the police checking pedophile registers as an Amber Alert is issued. Racing against time as fall temperatures plummet, Belle hooks up with a bumbling PI and joins the search. Highly Recommended.

See y'all next week on C-word Day,
Deni

KOSHER QUIBBLES & BITS

HAPPY CHA-HANUKKAH, Y'ALL

QUIBBLES & BITS:

BIT:

Balducci's, on Eighth Avenue and West 14th Street in New York City (that'sthe Village, people, where I used to go to school), posted this sign in its meat section.

Manhattan novelist Nancy Kay Shapiro told the Daily News that she spotted the kosher faux pas while browsing at the store. A Balducci's official pinned the blame on a clerk who normally doesn't work the meat department.

Uh...um...okay.

On its Web site, Balducci's wrote: "We apologize for this unfortunate error and oversight. It was never our intention to offend anyone... We will be reviewing our employee training policy."

'Nother BIT:

I've never missed a deadline, and I had what I thought was a fair deadline for STRANGLE A LOAF OF ITALIAN BREAD. But life interfered and it turned into the deadline from hell.

Nevertheless, the 4th Ellie Bernstein/Lt. Peter Miller "diet club" mystery is written---with 2, count 'em, two twist endings---and the manuscript is about to be sent off to my editor (as soon as my free-lance editor give me the okay), and I made my deadline, and this is the first book in the series where I don't have a "heroine in jeopardy" scene (yay!) Thus, this is the first book in my diet club series where  Ellie doesn't have to hiccup her heroine-in-jeopardy dialogue (she gets the hiccups when she's frightened).

I hate writing hiccups. I wrote 'em for Fifty Cents For Your Soul, too. Publishers Weekly liked them. They said, "The over-the-top, irreverent serving of horror and Hollywood noir in FIFTY CENTS FOR YOUR SOUL is something of a departure for Dietz (Footprints in the Butter, etc.), but who can resist a book that opens with: 'The woman who straddled Victor Madison had hiccups'?"
But I digress...

Next on my agenda is the final polish on my second "Mary Ellen Dennis" historical, DESTINY'S DAUGHTER. The Landlord's Black-Eyed Daughter went into a third printing, was picked up for a large-print edition, and was a Holiday Gift recommendation in January Magazine so it just might be wee bit prudent to strike while the iron is hot, a cliché that, like most clichés, is more often than not, true.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CLICHÉ?

My agent is about to send me his Destiny's Daughter revision notes. Except, I don't call them revision notes. I call them "rewrite the damn book and make it better" notes.

Next, I want to continue writing GYPSY ROSE LIEBERMAN, the mystery I started to write but had to shelve so I could finish writing what my editor calls STRANGLE.

I've been writing Gypsy in my head for weeks, and I really need to finish the first book so that I can start on the second in the series. I'm anxious to write the second book because I've already thought of a title: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY MURIEL - A Gypsy Rose Lieberman Mystery. It's about two aging moving actresses who live as virtual recluses in an old Colorado mansion.

Authors reading this blog, can y'all write a book without thinking of a title first? I can't.

And no, I'm not drinking spiked eggnog, though this blog might sound as if I am. It's just that I'm always a tad giddy when I finish writing a book.

I'll leave you now, so that I can light the menorah and make myself a kosher ham sandwich.

Over and Out,
Deni, singing "I've written a letter to Daddeeee..."