Get Off My Lawn! or, When Should You Call?

Abby Zidle

To listen to me on a regular basis, you might get the idea that editors are curmudgeonly souls who spend their days peering through the slats of their blinds at anyone foolhardy enough to approach. And indeed, that's the image I'm trying to cultivate. Keeps the telemarketers away, dontcha know.

But you may, as an author/supplicant, someday have a question you would like an editor to answer. How, then, should you approach? You'll be happy to know I no longer require an offering of fatted calves (in a New York apartment? I'd never get my deposit back), nor need you approach on bended knee. What you must do is be clear, direct and above all, succinct.

When is it appropriate to call an editor? Well, if you're already my author, you get a free pass, obviously. But perhaps you met me at a workshop or conference, or you queried me three or more months ago, and you want to follow up because I have yet to respond. Absolutely! When you call, you should tell me: your name, the title of your manuscript, and about how long ago you submitted your material. (I don't need the actual date if you've forgotten, but you should know if you sent it in June or January.) I will then hem and haw and promise that I'll get to it posthaste. You say thanks, I say sorry, and we go our separate ways.

Spot the errors in this not-ideal exchange:

[ring, ring]
Me [in bored yet cautious tone]: Abby Zidle.
Irritating Caller: Yes, can I speak to Ms. Zidle, please?
Me: [eye roll) This is she.
IC: Oh, um, hi. (nervous laugh] I thought I'd get your assistant. So you answer your own phone, huh? Great.
Me: [eye roll accompanied by clenched teeth] So how can I help you?
IC: Oh, right. Well, I sent you a manuscript a while ago and I was wondering if you'd gotten to it yet.
Me: OK...which one was it?
IC: Well, it was either called DANGEROUS STRANGERS or A WORLD WITHOUT DAWN...I can't really remember, and I switched the title. Because it turns out there's another Dangerous Strangers out there, can you believe it? So I was really bummed because I liked that title, but now I think A World Without Dawn is even better. Which do you like?
Me: [eye roll is now virtually audible] Can you tell me when you sent it in? And your name?
IC: Oh my goodness, did I not tell you my name? What is wrong with me? You must go crazy when people call you and then aren't ready. It's Irritating Caller.
Me: [rifling through submission log] Caller, Caller...I'm not seeing anything here. When did you say you sent it?
IC: Oh, not that long ago...
Me: Like at the beginning of the year or so?
IC: Oh, no, nothing like that! Let's see, today's July 27? I think I sent it on June...3rd. Yes, the 3rd, I remember because I had to go to the post office for more stamps.
Me: So I've only had it for six weeks?
IC: That sounds about right. But I was really anxious to see if you've read it, because I'd be willing to do anything you liked to the manuscript, if it meant a chance to be published by Simon and Schuster.
Me: Well, Pocket.
IC: What's that? Er, yes, Pocket. Whatever.
Me: I'm sorry I haven't responded yet, Ms. Caller, but it typically takes me at least three months to get back to people with unsolicited submissions. But I'll be sure to move yours to the top of the pile.
IC: Why thank you! And if you ever find yourself in Springfield, you should look me up. I'd love to show you around! Goodbye!
Me: [tosses receiver at cradle] Gah!
Abby retrieves DANGEROUS STRANGERS from top of pile, reads first page, pens rejection letter. Primary reason: life is too short.

Just remember, kids, editors are book people who've spent all our lives holed up reading while other kids played baseball and acquired actual skin tones. As such, like feral woodland creatures, we respond with alarm and aggression when our domain is threatened by intruders. Best to move slowly and carefully, and get clear of the area as soon as possible.