Friend Me, Friend You

Jeff Cohen

I'm not discriminatory in most cases, but I feel like I have to have some guidelines in certain areas, and among these is the people whom I will contact about becoming "friends" on Facebook. I know some authors feel it's best to invite everybody (you can never have enough contacts when a new book comes out), and others feel it's beneath them to even consider such things (I'll just wait for people to contact me). I come down somewhere in the middle.

But I do have my standards:

I WILL invite you to be a friend if I actually know and like you.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if you've made up a cutesy name for yourself like "Angela Awesome!"

I WILL invite you to be a friend if we went to the same high school, worked for the same company or have common interests.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if you've used a picture of your cat as your ID. Dog pictures will be judged on a dog-to-dog basis.

I WILL invite you to be a friend if you're famous. Hey, I never said I was classy. But I have to have SOME indication that it's not a fan page run by a guy in his underwear in Indiana.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if we have religious differences, and by that, I mean, if you're a Red Sox fan. Unless I already know you.

I WILL invite you to be a friend if you're a Yankees fan, whether I know you or not.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if you're not actually a person. If you're a company or a product, you're on your own. One exception to this rule:

I WILL invite you to be a friend if you're a bookseller, either person or shop.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if you've ever posted something bad about my books. Yeah, I read the Amazon reviews.

I WILL invite you to be a friend if you have the same name as I do. I'm trying to collect as many as possible.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if you look like the kind of person who's going to send me requests to join you in some kind of insane vampire world game. There are no vampires. Deal with it.

I WILL invite you to be a friend if you've ever said anything nice about my books. Any author who says they don't Google themselves or their titles is a lying swine, or Amish.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if you're under 16 years old. It's nothing personal--there's just something creepy about that.

I WILL invite you to be a friend if we're related, but I probably won't look for you if I haven't already. I've been busy lately.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if your ID photo is a jpg of your book cover. I know; I've been tempted to do that myself, but it delivers the message that you don't care about me, you just want me to buy your book.

I WILL invite you to be a friend if someone I know and like "recommends" you. That's happened twice so far.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if your photo shows you dressed up in a costume. Wizard, Vulcan, vampire (I believe I've mentioned the vampire problem): no. You're not showing off your sense of whimsy; you're showing off how crazy you are.

I WILL invite you to be a friend if you're from New Jersey. Assuming you don't fit any of the WON'T categories. We Jerseyans have to stick together.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if you owe me money. It's an ethics thing.

I WILL invite you to be a friend if your favorite movie is North By Northwest, Young Frankenstein or anything with the Marx Brothers, except Love Happy.

I WON'T invite you to be a friend if your favorite movie is The Notebook, Alien Vs. Predator or Twilight (see previous entries re: vampires).

Comments

[bookwitch]

You sound lovelier by the minute, Mr Cohen. I thought I was the only one who feels a bit funny about addressing book covers and not having a clue about all these weird things you get sent.

[Amy Nathan]

I think you've just written the Facebook bible. Expect friends based on this alone!

[JP Shaw]

This is hilarious! I am going to post this to my FB so everyone can follow the guidelines you've set. Amy is right it's a bible of wisdom lol.

Good show!

[Lorraine Bartlett]

Uh-oh! My Lorna page has Miss Marple the cat as the picture. But I just checked and "whew!" you and Lorna are friends. (I feel better now.)

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawl_t-oNjfse9HmDs_ZPdl6cYPysIwDTF6A]

My favorite movie is probably something out of the Bourne series (at the moment- favorites subject to change), but I like Brooks better than Meyers so we might be okay there.

I am neither a Red Sox nor a Yankees fan. By law I have to root for the hometown-team: Padres for baseball, Bulls for basketball, Cowboys for football. What? No one said I had to have one hometown!

I do write book reviews, but I don't sell books.

But I think our biggest friendship problem will be that I'm not on Facebook.

*sigh*

I guess we'll have to survive through blog posts.

[Julie Kramer]

Your list is a riot, Jeff...which makes me even sadder that we can not be cyber friends. I just replaced my Facebook photo with my book cover. People - some strangers, but even relatives - had been telling me how hard it was to figure out which Facebook Julie Kramer I was. Now they know.

[Theresa de Valence]

Jeff, thanks for the morning laughs--you're a funny man!

-Theresa

[Jersey Jack]

I will, I won't, I will, I won't. You sound like my last date.

[Neil Plakcy]

You make me want to change my picture to one in costume. I usually dress up as a giant white rabbit on Halloween; would you still be my friend if that was my avatar?

[Aubrey Hamilton]

I hesitate to point this out, Jeff, but I use a photograph of my cat Madelon, as she is far more photogenic than I am, and you added me as a friend. Perhaps it's because Kaye recommended me? Does a WILL factor cancel out a WON'T factor? Or does it take two WILLs to reduce the impact of one WON't?

[Jeff Cohen]

You got in under the wire, Aubrey, Lorraine (Lorna) and Neil: The rules are from this point going forward. I just decided. And Neil: I'd personally pay cash money to see you dress up as a giant white rabbit. If I had any.