The Long and Short of It

Jeff Cohen

For years now, I've been trying to crack the code of publishing success. Why do some authors become household names, while others (who sometimes but not always seem to write just as well) labor in obscurity when they are paid to labor at all?

I've wracked my brain on the subject, which isn't as painful as it sounds if you wear gloves, and several theories have come to mind, been considered and, eventually, abandoned. First, I thought it was because I wrote lousy books. But then I realized that some really big deal authors have written lousy books, and that didn't seem to stop them. So I considered the idea that I have a repellant personality and have been, you know, repelling people away from buying my books. But my wife says I'm not most of the time, and we've been married 22 years, so she would know.

I thought it was because I didn't have an agent, but now I do, and she's wonderful, so that's not it. I thought it was because I was published by a very small house, but now I'm not. I thought it was because I was rotten at publicity, but PJ isn't, and she works with me.

But I was wrong all those times. Turns out, the problem is that I'm short.

Now, I know what you're thinking: What has height got to do with success in the publishing industry? I thought the same thing myself, until I discovered that someone named Arianne Cohen (no relation I know of) has written something called The Tall Book, which, as it details the trials and tribulations of being tall (Cohen is 6'3", which is another way I know we're of no relation) and living in America--apparently there's a problem with airplane seats--notes that almost all our Presidents have been tall, that tall men are considered the most successful professionally and "dating and mating," that they earn more (somewhere in the area of $800 per inch over short people) and that CEOs and Oscar winners tend to be tall.

Strangely, so do professional athletes.

Cohen herself is a walking example of her subject--her book has been profiled on NPR, reviewed by People Magazine, featured on the CBS Early Show and discussed on the BBC. It currently sits at #380 on Amazon's admittedly arbitrary sales lists.

My latest, which costs $12.01 less than hers, is streaking forward at #280,033. With a bullet.

So now I understand. Because I'm 10 inches shorter than Ms. Cohen, I should expect to earn roughly $8,000 less than her on each project. But I'm willing to bet the math is off on that, and I'm getting (you should pardon the expression) the short end of the stick.

Now, I've made a few short jokes myself from time to time (like on every other page of the Aaron Tucker series). I realize that short people can be funny and that Randy Newman once opined we have "no reason to live." I'm pretty sure Randy was kidding.

But the science and the math add up: I'm not as successful as Lee Child because he can, literally, look down on me. And apparently, there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, short of investing in a rack, which would probably be only a temporary fix, anyway, and not a terribly enjoyable experience.

Sorry for my tone. I'm just a little short-tempered right now.

Comments

[bookwitch]

I didn't know, but will try not to think any less of you.

I have read several quite good books by short people.

Come to think of it, I'm short myself.

[Account Deleted]

Maybe you could wear lifts in your shoes? How about growth hormones? Maybe a rack in the basement wouldn't be a short-time solution?

Then again, I think you're fine just the way you are.

[jenny milchman]

Short of surgery, Jeff, there's nothing you can do. I mean, the long and the short of it is, we have no way to correct this. I'm short of time now, so...

I see what you mean. But I still think best sellerdom may only be a short distance away...

[Jersey Jack]

Randy Newman wrote that song about a very specific, nasty little troll named Clive Davis, who is one of the most successful music guys in there is. Your theory, uh...falls short.

[Leann Sweeney]

I'm short. And now I'm depressed. Gee, thanks Jeff.

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawl_t-oNjfse9HmDs_ZPdl6cYPysIwDTF6A]

Well, consider me doomed. You may be short, but I'm pretty sure I'm shorter.

Maybe I should hire a body double with an extra six inches of leg to do my book signings. What do you think?

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawnynCh__UhST3_KdRCwrzCqQZgfG7Y26lg]

Hey, Jeff, you might try a bouffant hair-do. I don't know, I'm not exactly a skyscraper myself. I'd be happy if my book stayed at #230,033. It hit something under 200,000 then headed for the stratosphere.

Chester Campbell