It's Not Funny Ha-Ha

Jeff Cohen

When you gain even a modest reputation (and mine is among the modest-est) for being adept at comedy of any sort, people have a very strange reaction. They tell you jokes. I'm not sure why--maybe they think you appreciate all humor ranging from Chaucer (I don't know, they tell me there are jokes in there) to Adam Sandler, or maybe they think you're the litmus test for humor, and if you find it funny, it validates their belief in this latest hilarious line.

Well, I'm not expert on the subject. I write what I think is funny, and I have definite opinions on other forms of humor that I've liked, loved and worshipped over the years, but I don't expect you to agree with me. There are people who don't think the Marx Brothers are funny. I think they're wrong, but I know there's no changing their minds. I have a very laugh-and-let-laugh philosophy regarding this sort of thing: If you think something's funny, then it is. If you don't, then it's not. I can explain seven different ways why something works, but if it's not to your taste, you won't laugh. That's just the way it goes.

But I have one request: Please don't tell me your joke. Please don't send me your joke. By all that is good and right, please don't email me your joke. Please!

I hate jokes.

Yes, I do. I don't like preposterous stories that require me to suspend disbelief to the point that a man thinking a horse is actually a pretzel is supposed to be plausible. I don't like jokes that "prove" one gender has the upper hand on the other. I'm not much for anything that deals with bodily fluids for a guffaw. 

Again, if you like any of that stuff, you're absolutely right to like it. That's your taste, and not mine. Doesn't make me right, or you wrong. We just aren't wired the same way. Thank goodness, because if everyone had the same personality, this would be a remarkably dull world.

I hate jokes. And I can't remember them after someone tells one to me. People who meet me at conventions or signings will sometimes ask, "Tell me a joke." I don't know any (well, okay, I know maybe three, and my daughter told me two of those), and they don't believe me when I tell them that.

Also, when someone tells me a joke, again because of that extremely unassuming reputation, I have the uncomfortable feeling that they're watching me while they're telling it, and I'm supposed to react in a certain way at a certain moment, and if I don't, I feel like I'm disappointing them. I hate disappointing people. If you were disappointed in any of my books, I'm truly sorry.

I appreciate wit. I like banter. I'm crazy for people who are actually listening during a conversation and reacting quickly and with some humor. That's what I admire in comedy. Not everyone is good at it, and not everyone should try it. But the ones who are, and should, are my most cherished companions.

So please, don't tell me your joke. But I'll tell you the one I know that I actually like, and I couldn't for the life of me tell you why this one has stuck with me, or why I think it's funny. Here goes:

A guy walks into a talent agent's office with a dog on a leash. The guy tells the agent he has a great act--a talking dog. The agent rolls his eyes and says, "Fine. Let's hear it."

The guy looks the dog in the face and says, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?" Dog wags his tail and barks, "Roof!"

The guy pats the dog on the head and asks, "What do you call the top of a house?" Dog wags his tail and barks, "Roof!"

The talent agent has had enough, and kicks the guy and the dog out of his office. They sit despondently on the stoop outside. A long moment passes. 

The dog looks back at the guy and says, "What'd you want me to say--DiMaggio?"

Comments

[bookwitch]

My daughter couldn't understand why we all howled with laughter when we read her 12th birthday party invitation, which she had composed herself. The instructions on how to find the tennis club venue were particularly funny. Five years on I still grin at the thought of it, and she has learnt to quote it to cheer me up if necessary, but still doesn't get it.

[Leann Sweeney]

My dad told me that joke when I was about ten. And it's still funny x, okay xx, years later. I don't tell many jokes anymore but as a kid, if I could tell a joke that made my dad laugh, then I felt like I'd accomplished something big. Thanks for reminding me of that.

[Paula Matter]

Y'know what else isn't funny, Jeff? Reading A Night at the Operation, and knowing it's the last Elliot book.

But you are working on something else, right?