The Middle Child Syndrome

Jeff Cohen

Business first: If you happen to be in the vicinity of Broadway tomorrow evening, I'd urge you drop by the very funny and wonderfully performed Alfred Hitchcock's The 39 Steps, not only because it's a riotous take on Big Al's classic, but also because yours truly will be hosting a "Hitchcock Meets Hilarious Talkback" immediately following the performance. Should be a good time; drop on by.

But really:

Recently, a good number of news outlets and late night comedians (how come early evening comedians never get any attention?) spent an awful--and I mean that literally--lot of time discussing the case of several public officials, including mayors, and some rabbis (!) being arrested for any number of corrupt things, including selling human organs and fake designer handbags, money laundering, and--did I mention selling human organs?

These people, 30 in all, were part of a huge federal investigation that took years. It included rabbis recruiting Israelis to donate kidneys to Americans who could pay the price (up to $160,000) for them. It included public officials and clergymen laundering money taken from congregations and public funds. It has serious implications in a hotly contested gubernatorial election. It could result in scores of people spending large portions of their lives in jail. IT INCLUDED THE SELLING OF HUMAN ORGANS AND HANDBAGS--BY THE SAME PEOPLE!!!

So, what aspect of the story did the news media (and comedians) focus on?

The fact that it took place in New Jersey.

Really? That's the best you can do? That's the thing that makes this story interesting? You can't do enough with rabbis running hot kidneys to those who can pay? You can't take the "kidneys and handbags" thing and turn that into television gold? You can't take the mayors of two fairly large cities in a middle Atlantic state and find news value in that?

No, they chose instead to go with a winking "with corruption amazing even by New Jersey standards" lede and tried to get chuckles out of that. People are walking around with one working kidney, and the 24-hour news channels think the best thing to do is take a shot at New Jersey.

Of course, we in the Garden State are used to such treatment. People who don't actually live here (and, in some cases, have never visited) believe we are residing in a toxic waste dump run by Tony Soprano. They think corruption was invented here, and that we all have big hair and say "Joisey," (something I've never heard one resident utter in my 51+ years here). They think they're superior because their state certainly doesn't operate like that.

And yet, the third-smallest state in the union (behind Rhode Island and Delaware) is the most densely populated, and includes the highest real estate values in the country. Somebody must want to live here, and they can't all be mobsters, or I'd have met some by now.

Seriously, now. Do you really think corruption is something contained within the borders of the Garden State? Do you, in your heart of hearts, truly believe that assemblymen (or aldermen, or whatever you have in your little section of the planet) living outside the corrosive parameters of the Northeast Corridor's favorite rest stop are so decent and clean that you could eat off them? Is that what you're thinking when you put your head on the pillow?

It ain't so, friends. We've gotten a bum rap, is all. Trust me--there's as much corruption in North Dakota as there is in New Jersey. There just isn't as much opportunity. And there sure as hell are fewer rabbis (oh, one other thing--the rabbis arrested in the corruption scandal live in Brooklyn; they have SUMMER homes in New Jersey).

See, New Jersey is the middle child of America. Oh, people in Nebraska or Ohio or Idaho (are there any people in Idaho?) might think they are the middle children, but it's really us. Stuck between the older, more mature, more cosmopolitan kid in New York City and the younger, scrappier, more entertaining (because they're not worried about being cosmopolitan) children in Philadelphia, we are ridiculed, condescended to, patronized and ignored (when we're not offering up corrupt rabbis). 

Yeah, make fun of New Jersey. Because if that's what makes you feel better about where you live, we're happy to help. We'll hold our heads high and revel in the abuse.

After all, how many North Dakota jokes do you know?

Comments

[Jersey Jack]

It's a conspiracy! Even the FBI is taking shots at us. "An FBI official called corruption 'a cancer that is destroying the core values of this state,'" the Associated Press said.

Of course, 130 public officials pleading guilty or being convicted of corruption in the last eight years does bring some bad publicity.

Does North Dakota even have 130 public officials?

[lianabrooks.blogspot.com]

North Dakota jokes wouldn't work. Have you ever met someone from North Dakota? Ever? No! North Dakota seems to be a figment of the national imagination.

[Shelly Franz]

Try living in Illinois. 'Nuff said.

[Lynne Patrick]

Hey, I've BEEN to North Dakota. It exists. Really. I met some nice people who live there, too.
But point taken. I'm told there was a north American road atlas a few years ago which missed it out completely, and nobody complained.
Will that do as a North Dakota joke?