The Flip Side

Jeff Cohen

Things I Hate That Other People Love

1. Football: I realize millions of people adore watching this simulated warfare. I just don't happen to be one of them. No, this doesn't impugn my manhood or make me un-American. It means I couldn't care less who wins a football game, and can find other things to do when it's on TV. Baseball, on the other hand, is an elegant sport that requires a whole set of skills football players don't need, and I adore it. If Baseball is a Hitchcock movie, Football is something by Michael Bay. I choose Alfred, myself. 

1a: NASCAR: They drive in a circle. Oh, boy.

2. SUVs: I've never understood the American love affair with big, ugly, gas-guzzling vehicles that are built to drive off-road and always seem to be in front of me on the New Jersey Turnpike. And I'm sorry, but the Hummer is the stupidest car ever to drive down a highway. Ever. 

3. Depressing art: Isn't it just possible that critics call something "daring" and "dark" because they're afraid they'll be wrong if they just say it's a downer? It's easy to spot a bad comedy--nobody laughs. With the more "serious" forms of entertainment, I think there's a distinct possibility that most of the stuff we're informed is bold and adult is actually just drab and awful, but there's a naked Emperor in there someplace nobody wants to annoy.

4. Rap music: You're a great musician? Write a tune and sing it. 

5. American Idol: Am I crazy, or did this used to be called "Ted Mack's Amateur Hour?" And is it not encouraging more people to trill and perform aural gymnastics instead of trying to communicate through music? 

6. In fact, all reality TV: It's just as close to "reality" as Star Trek, but Captain Kirk had better writers. What you're watching in "reality" shows is a scripted scenario usually intended to find the worst in people and splash it all over worldwide television. THAT'S entertainment! Not to mention, it seems like the only thing you have to do to be a "star" on one of these shows is show up in a bikini (mostly for women) or have more than the average allotment of children, and a desire to exploit them so you can eventually host a talk show (both genders). Someone once advised against voting since "it just encourages them." Until you stop watching, they'll think you want more of this stuff. And yes, I'm including "Dancing With the Slightly Notable."

7. The term "literary fiction": What kind of fiction (assuming it's written on paper) ISN'T literary? Does this mean that authors like Charles Dickens (who surely wrote for the masses) wasn't literary? Or that someone like Mitch Albom is? I'm a writer; I use words for a living--we need a better term, people. Get to work!

8. Political talk radio: Sports talk radio is equally stupid, but everybody KNOWS it's stupid, and it does no appreciable harm. But believe it or not, there are people out there who actually BELIEVE what Rush Limbaugh says every day, and that's not just astonishing, it's frightening as a barometer of our collective intelligence.

9. Seafood and fish: Enjoy your ocean-based dinners, fish lovers. Just don't look at me funny because I don't share your taste. Yeah, it's all kinds of good for you (as long as you stay away from the mercury), and it does wonders for your cholesterol, but you know what? I'm not eating fish. Ever. Except for the occasional tuna sandwich, which doesn't really count.

10. Christmas songs: Yes, even your favorite. There are radio stations that play nothing but Christmas songs from Thanksgiving until the first week of January. Is there any wonder there are more suicides during the holiday season than any other time of the year? And the scary part: Most of the more famous ones were written by Jewish songwriters. Go figure it out.

Comments

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawlQH97PpYgLADsZceRf4dJcFywK2kRWju4]

Speaking of depressing art, have you ever seen the Rothko Chapel in Houston? Some kindly rich person hired Mark Rothko to do enough paintings to cover the walls, to cheer him up, I guess, and he did, in shades of black and gray, after which he promptly committed suicide. When you go there the bench in the middle is always occupied by some sad soul trying to decide whether or not to stay alive.
-Kate Gallison

[Account Deleted]

I'm shocked we agree on so many items, Jeff. Just the last two I have to disagree about. Okay, I don't like all seafood--mostly just lobster and some fish (haddock, cod--am too cheap to buy deep sea bass), and some Christmas songs really suck ("Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" immediately springs to mind), but are really nice. ("Silver Bells" is my favorite.)

[auntieknickers.blogspot.com]

Like Lorraine, I totally agree on everything but the last two. As far as fish and seafood go, I say what my parents said if one of us expressed a dislike for some food: "All the more for the rest of us!" And, I have lots and lots of Christmas music (and Chanukah music and Solstice music, etc.) but there are rules about when I can start listening. I wish we could get rid of reality tv and political talk radio, though. That would really improve everyone's quality of life.

[Dana King]

Just like your other list, we pretty much agree again. I like football and fish more than you do, but I find myself getting tired of football as I get older.

[Theresa de Valence]

What a nice grouch you are today, Jeff. As usual, I agree with about half of what you said . . .

Best,
Theresa

[Patti Abbott]

Also the last two. My life would be much less meaningful without seafood especially. Eat it every night for a week and see if you don't like it.

[Jeff Cohen]

You're going to have to trust me on this, Patti. It would take an act of Congress to get me to eat seafood every night for a week, and even then, I would give serious thought to moving to Canada, where they don't have such silly laws.

[Alice Duncan]

I agree with everything but fish and Christmas music, Jeff! It is odd that so many of them are written by Jews, though. On the other hand, Jesus was a Jew. Oh, I just don't know.

[Robin Agnew]

How refreshing to find someone else who hates American Idol, AND seafood! If it swims in the sea I refuse. We should leave fish alone.