by Barbara Poelle
So I have a rash of conferences coming up, I will be in 4 cities over a span of 5 weeks and I just get giddy with the idea that my next little duckling may be out there right now practicing the pitch to me to their spouse/sibling/dog/cab driver. What fun! We are going to have a great career together. The odds are maybe one in five cities, with 5 or 6 coming really close and the rest sort of finding their own way without me. What a sea of possibilities! I am already gearing up for the wide spectrum of questions I will be fielding. Out of these questions 99.87% of them will be wonderful, thoughtfully articulated, focused questions from authors dedicated to informing me and themselves about a current body of work. But those gems, and they are guaranteed, those .13%...they are out there. And they are comin’ at me. So all of you normal kids in Eau Claire, Atlanta, Myrtle Beach, Boston, and Berkeley, you can have a free period in the library. Bup bup bup baaaa wait a second. You there. Yes, you. The .13%. Pencils down and pay attention. These are past questions I have been asked by you, and so I will clear a lot up for you before we even meet. Oh, and keep in mind, you generally LEAD with these questions, so there may be follow ups, but you can assume my answers will be more of the same:
Q: “Why did you reject me?”
A: I can only imagine it was because I was drunk.
Q: “I know you don’t represent ______ but will you look at my synopsis to tell me if it’s at least close?”
A: Yes, certainly! And while we’re embarking on trusting me with things I know nothing about, do you have any disconcerting moles you’d like me to check for you?
Q: “What is a monkey knife fight?”
A: I’ll need half a bottle of Sauza tequila, a picture of Joe Piscopo and some potting soil and I’ll show ya.
Q: “What is your job exactly?”
A: Basically I wake up, blend myself a Stinkeye, which is just vodka, crushed up cornflakes, four alka-seltzers and a handful of Skittles, and then I head to the office where I spend the rest of my day knocking my head against my office door and mewling. Sometimes I will take a break to weep, but usually I am pretty focused on the mewling.
Q: “I have here the next big thing, what do you think it is?”
A: My hangover.
Q: “I have five thriller partials, two full length romances, a YA, a non-fiction about how to de-louse your camper, and three graphic novels. Which one do you want me to read out loud from in my pitch?”
A: The YA, but only if you refer to the tone as “a combination of Stephanie Meyers and JK Rowling, but better than both.”
Q.: “Tell me why you think you would make a good agent for me.”
A: Because I purchased the Acme Insta-Agent kit and was able to use everything but the anvil.
Q: “Wait, how old are you?”
A: I am not really sure but the guy who sold me this G&T seemed comfortable with it, so that’s good enough for me.
Q:”What if you get pregnant while you’re my agent?”
A: Don’t worry, it’s not yours.
Q: “Who would be reading my book if you represent it?”
A: Stinky Pete, and I just bought him a Kindle so he will be able to get back to you a lot faster.
Q: “You’re a lot better looking than your photo, did you know that?”
A: Yes, it is my intent to look as bad as possible in every national media outlet.
Q: “My idea is so good I am afraid to talk about it out loud, can you sign this saying you won’t share it with anyone?”
A: Sure- but then I am going to need you to sign this saying that if you pitch a plot that I have heard before I can punch you in the throat.
Q: What happens to me if you decide to quit agenting?
A: Well, that happens before the locusts but after the first born son thing, so you will probably have an idea it’s coming.
Well, there you go, kids. Anyone else who has a question, please feel free to ask it now. It will be helping us all. (You just KNOW Tom Schreck is going to come up with a doozie in 3….2….)
Q:”What if you get pregnant while you’re my agent?”
A: Don’t worry, it’s not yours.
I cracked up over that one!
Posted by: Paula Matter | September 22, 2009 at 09:30 AM
You forgot:
"Who would you recommend play Jane, my heroine, in the movie?"
"If I want it played by Pink, can you get that in the contract?"
You probably just haven't had enough coffee yet.
:>)
Posted by: Maria | September 22, 2009 at 10:26 AM
"I want to publish my novel under a pseudonym. Which one do you think is better for me: Barb E. Dahl, Brandy D. Cantor, or Ginger Rayl?"
Posted by: Binky | September 22, 2009 at 11:32 AM
I think Ewan Sane. Try that.
Posted by: Barbara Poelle | September 22, 2009 at 11:34 AM
Have you condsidered using an agent pseudonym for the .13%?
Like maybe Helen Waite.
"Wrote a book? Might be crazy? Take your pitch to Helen Waite!"
Posted by: Binky | September 22, 2009 at 12:28 PM
AHHAHHAHH HHAHHAHAH HAHHAHHAHHAHAH.
Posted by: Barbara Poelle | September 22, 2009 at 12:30 PM
You owe me for a new laptop, Barbara! I spat mint tea all over it whilst reading the hilarious Q&As . . .
Posted by: Lartonmedia | September 22, 2009 at 01:32 PM
If you get pregnant while you're agenting, then the baby represents all your projects,right?
Because who could say no to an adorable BABY? With those CHEEKS! Six figure advances for all!
Posted by: Alison Janssen | September 22, 2009 at 01:58 PM
Wait, I think I've stumbled upon a great idea here.
Also workable: Puppy agents.
Posted by: Alison Janssen | September 22, 2009 at 01:58 PM
Q How much money do you make?
A ________________
Sharon - mint tea?
Posted by: bookwitch | September 23, 2009 at 05:22 AM
Puppy Agents!
Posted by: Janet Reid | September 23, 2009 at 10:11 AM
Q. I have this fiction novel about my own experience being breast fed from falsies and how I overcame IBS/hyperflatulence through 12-step dedication, adopting 16 cats and uttering the following affirmation 18x per hour "My colon is relaxed and I am worthwhile...most of the time."
My question is will you handle the Sudanese and American Sign language translations?
Posted by: Tom Schreck | September 23, 2009 at 03:19 PM
I TOLD YOU GUYS hahahahhaa, I think that is a new group mantra for us all....
Posted by: Barbara Poelle | September 23, 2009 at 03:23 PM
This post is awesome. I love:
Q: What happens to me if you decide to quit agenting?
A: Well, that happens before the locusts but after the first born son thing, so you will probably have an idea it’s coming.
Thanks so much for the laughs!
Posted by: Kourtnie McKenzie | September 26, 2009 at 06:51 PM