If I Can Make It Here, I'll Make it Anywhere

By Inga Von Peepenskeeven

Hello! Yesterday my temp agency, Sullivan Associates, sent me over to Barbara Poelle at the Irene Goodman Agency, so I thought I would use this opportunity to blog about a day in the life of a real live literary agent. It was terribly exciting!

I was told Ms. Poelle arrives promptly at 9:00 so, of course, I was early. Around 9:25 I assumed there was a deaf Lithuanian woman yelling at her child in the elevator, but when the doors slid open it turned out to be Ms. Poelle herself howling into her cell phone. She burst forward into the office with a waft of what I can only describe as chlorine and vodka, and barked out, “Nancy! Coffee! And don’t be afraid to Irish it up. ”

My name is not Nancy, but who am I to quibble? Also, since this was all new and I was a bit unsure about publishing lingo, I quickly and quietly Googled the phrase “Irish Up my Coffee”.  Now I am questioning my hearing, I mean there is NO WAY she meant IRISH coffee because it was 9:27 in the morning. Silly me! I wonder what she really said.

Anyway, I have to tell you, the schedule of a literary agent is terribly stressful, clearly. From about 9:30 to 10:30, Ms. Poelle appeared to be having private session with her primal scream therapist- I mean I can only assume that was going on, because what else COULD it have been? I was very impressed as I had previously thought it was impossible for a human mammal to sustain that level of pitch and tenor without the larynx exploding from the neck column like in a Ridley Scott film. I am thinking of looking into that therapy myself, as I believe I have the initial mantra down.  It goes something like, “You have got to be f%#@ing kidding me! You have GOT to be [email protected]*ing KIDDING ME”.  Easy to remember.

Then from about 10:30 to noon, Ms. Poelle gave me a list of names, places, numbers and dates, and told me that we were playing a “fun game” with another agent named Janet Reid, where we attempt to use information gleamed from Janet’s personal life to crack her email password and “see what that terrifying minx is up to”. I tried my best, but it was a little intimidating for a newbie like me having Ms. Poelle stalk back and forth behind my chair, the heels on her boots cracking like gunfire, while she mumbled to herself and rubbed her gums.

We worked right on through lunch, me nibbling on my cucumber and cream cheese sandwich and Ms. Poelle popping Xanax from a Pez dispenser and washing them down with something in a thermos she referred to as a Moose Knuckle Shooter.  It must be some new hip diet.

At about 2 pm, Ms. Poelle told me that she would be closing her door for some kundalini meditation, but since her door is glass, it wasn’t so private. And clearly I am a rube right off the turnip truck because, to me, all it looked like was 20 minutes of weeping followed by an open-mouthed-drool-dripping-slouch-in-the-seat nap.  

While she meditated, I went over my to-do list.

Ginger, here’s some stuff you NEED to get done today:

-Procure chicken suit

­-Call ahead to South Carolina Hilton to ensure no feathers, extra vodka

-Search free+diving+snout+rub+fatalities for all results

- Create active list defining all “hip” acronyms, like BRB, TLDR, and IWBITD

-Get Silkwood collectable decals for rollerblades

-Find out if Brett Michaels stayed with that chick from Rock of Love Bus (he should have picked Mindy!!!)

--Lay in supplies for zombie apocalypse

After I finished the list, it appeared that Ms. Poelle was still meditating (but the new pose was face down on her desk blotter) so I took the initiative to read some of the recent queries she has received from conference pitches.

Wow.

There are quite a lot of you out there with some wonderful ideas. If I had to make an uneducated statement, I would have to say that I bet it is hard when things come very, very close for her and there is not a specific design flaw in execution or content, but a quiet absence of the gut clenching howl of THIS IS IT that makes her click the pass letter. I read over 35 submissions today, and with each one I opened came that rush of excitement, that hope, that silent plead, that this one blows me away. It must be difficult to tell the writers who have pitched, revised, queried, waited, nudged, nudged again, and nudged yet one more time, the word NO. I bet her heart breaks a little with every one. I bet she wants to remind them all how subjective this whole enchilada is and how some of you will move on to create magic with other agents and other houses. I bet she wants to tell you how brave you are.

But I digress.  At 4 pm, Ms. Poelle jerked upright from her meditation, wiped the saliva from her chin and barked, “Susan! Get me Molly Floot!” After some creative deducing and a few turns of the rolodex, I transferred the call.  Ms. Poelle hacked a bit, cleared her throat and graveled out, “Floot! Raise your hem and drop your standards, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Grab S&S dynamo Amy Lindel and meet me at Woody’s. ” And she was off in a swirl of Veuve Cliquot and Coach.

Well, actually more like toilet gin and velour, but still...what a day!

 

 

 

Comments

[Maria]

Oh good, if she only wept for 20 minutes, it was a great day!!!!

[Keli Scrapchansky]

I read your posts weekly and feel compelled to comment. Sadly, after reading, I am struck dumb and am only capable of gaping at the computer, mouth open. All I really want to say is.....hahahahahahahahahahaha (really loudly). Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

[Alli]

Floot! Raise your hem and drop your standards, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

ROFL! I love Tuesdays when I know there is a guarantee of coffee being spat over the keyboard as I roar with laughter.

[Liz Pitts]

I'd comment but really I'm at a loss for words. Also a little out of breath from laughing.

[RKLewis]

I just KNEW you drooled while you slept! How I knew that, I have no idea. I.Just.Knew.

[Lauren]

I can tell this was not written by a real intern. No intern of yours would have the arm strength to type such a lengthy entry after a full day of fanning you with ostrich plumes and palm leaves while complimenting your hair and choice of nail polish.

[Janet Reid]

I haven't laughed this hard since the last time I saw you.

[angie]

What fun Saturday morning reading. Thanks! (Are you still temping? Hope to read further adventures.)

[Sherry Stanfa-Stanley]

Glad I didn't read this before I left for SC. Wouldn't have been able to stop laughing long enough to introduce myself...

Great talking with you!

[Marsha Sigman]

This is my idea of a dream agent. I am so twisted.