I Bet Blitzen Understands Me

From the Desk of Sparkles Tootlebutter

First Elf of Vandeywaggle

Second Lieutenant to K. Kringle,  Claus of the Highest Order

North Pole

 

Dear Ms. Poelle,

Although in recent years we have refrained from responding to complaints regarding list placement, you gave us all here such a hearty and much needed chuckle during what can be a stressful time, so I have decided to make an exception and respond to your letter. For your reference, the letter of which I am referring to is dated Dec 1, 2009, subject line: Argument Against Naughty List Placement.

In my rebuttal, I have pasted a sampling of your initial points below along with my responses. To begin:

·         I have increased my goodwill towards others especially in my empathy for those who juggle family and career.

We are curious. Would this be best illuminated by you asking author Tracy Kiely to, quote, “dose the kids with Benadryl” in order to get an early and totally FOR PLEASURE look at book 3? Or perhaps when you poured Husband a PINT glass of vodka, handed him a Percocet and said, “Open up. Broken ribs or not, the bellowing in pain is annoying me.” (May we remind you it was 9:30 in the morning for that one.)

·         Anyone will tell you, in business, I am all about the three C’s: compromise, compassion and camaraderie.

Let’s see, so when that nice editor admitted she was “terrified of you” during negotiations for that book, that was a direct reflection of your compromising skills? Perhaps later in the year, with a different editor, when you shouted, “You’re in the boat with Fredo!”  and slammed the phone down…that was the camaraderie you are referring to? Or shall we all just wordlessly gesture to the editorial meeting you started by lambasting a recent YA novel only to realize you were sitting across from the very editor on that project.  (To which you “covered” by then adding, “I mean, I am sure it’s no secret to YOU that it has issues.”) Oh, Ms. Poelle, indeed we have three C’s for you, but we aren’t permitted to type that word.

·         Dignity is not only my credo, but my essence as well.

This one was a group favorite. We’ve shoveled out better from Rudolph’s stall. Which do you prefer to point to, the night you Folly Poot, La Janet  and Amy Lindel powered back 17 mai tais and ended up knocking over 2 glasses, three chairs, and skinning one knee? Perhaps when you created a drinking game for the mystery and romance writers during your speech last spring in Walnut Creek? Or should we just cut right to it and discuss the body language misread and consequentially the INAPPROPRIATE HUGGING INCIDENT with a prominent publisher?

Ms. Poelle, I could go on to dispute each of your points with similar responses, but I have already taken enough time on this as it is.  At this time we are, with much glee and wholehearted agreement, denying your request to be moved from the Naughty List this year.

But it’s never too late, and there are some extenuating circumstances we are willing to consider. Well, I mean for you, 2009 is in the tank. But I guess that what I am trying to say is that although you are indeed firmly ensconced on the “Naughty” list this year, you have helped to propel many around you not only to “Nice” but damn near to “Saintly” as they attempt to deal with you barreling around in their lives like a rhinoceros in platform shoes.  So in that respect, keep up the good work, and we look forward to hearing from you regarding your Naughty List placement next year, as we have every year since 1998.

 

Warmest Holiday Wishes,

Sparkles

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Tracy Kiely]

Wait! I'm confused. Does this mean that I shouldn't dose the kids with Benadryl? Because, truth be told, they don't really notice the taste in their milk anymore.

[Stephen D. Rogers]

And here I was thinking that list placement meant the NYT. :)

[Alli]

Hahahaha. Hahahaha. That's about all I can muster as I clean up the coffee I spat on my keyboard from laughing so hard.

[Abby Zidle]

Next year Amy Lindel's going for 18 mai tais and 3 chairs!

[Cate Rowan]

::Cate snorts into her mojito glass::

Better luck next year, babe.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Wait - does this mean I SHOULD pour a pint of vodka for my husband and give me a sleepy pill when I need to work?

[Stephanie]

The Naughty List is more fun anyway :)

[bookwitch]

You mean they actually see and know everything? I thought it was a myth.

[Keli Scrapchansky]

"You're in the boat with Fredo!" hahahahahahaha

[Paula Matter]

You sleigh me, Barbara, you really do!

I think you have some leverage what with Sparkles cursing in his letter. Bet Santa would find using "damn" naughty...

[Glen Allison]

It's not just bald-faced suckuppery when I say you are among the two funniest blogging sharks I keep up with. Yeah, her. And, yeah, I'm so merry-tweeting this. Thanks.

[Barbara Poelle Fan Club]

I don't think Amy Lindel was at the FIRST chair tipping Extravaganza ... or maybe you've repressed that little incident?

I have it on good authority that Santa can be bribed. It involves a chicken suit, a balloon hat, and Mr. Poelle moving to Brooklyn.

[Barbara Poelle]

Janet Reid, if you ever post that picture of me in that balloon hat I am revoking your BPo Fan Club membership...(although the one where it looks like Molly Goot has just about had enough of me is pretty darn hilarious)