30 Reasons I'm An Old Fogey

Jeff Cohen

I've reached that moment in life most dreaded (all right, SECOND most-dreaded) in the American male: I have become an old fogey. I haven't told any kids to get off my lawn yet (more than two of them wouldn't fit, anyway), but there are distinct warning signs. On the road to irrelevancy, you can tell how close you're getting to fogeydom if you're paying attention. And since nobody's as interested in my life as I am, I've been paying plenty of attention. The signs are there:

1. I haven't bought new music in years. Instead, I'm digitizing my decades-old LPs.

2. I still think of accumulating music as "buying albums." I don't think of it as "downloading to my iPod."

3. I don't actually know where my iPod is.

4. I honestly, truly don't get tattoos. They look stupid to me. Piercings, at least, you can remove when you're 35 and embarrassed.

5. I have spent more than one really good evening watching "Cash Cab."

6. Text language still annoys me. I won't say "ur" if I mean "you are." I won't.

7. It worries me that everyone I meet under the age of 25 has a first name that's a last name. Especially the girls.

8. I don't really remember what color my hair started out as.

9. In an age of affordable large flat-screen HDTVs, I don't get the appeal of watching movies on my phone.

10. For that matter, I still prefer a phone with a cord that rings. You know, like a bell. Music coming out of my cell phone doesn't say "answer the phone" to me. It says "hey, where's that music coming from?"

11. I am unable to stand up without grunting.

12. I see the young women on "Jersey Shore" (it was research, I swear) in their skimpy bathing suits, and I think, "her parents must be mortified."

13. I look at movie ads and feel alienated--they're not making anything for me anymore. Even "Star Trek" has betrayed me.

14. I get depressed watching "Men of a Certain Age." I mean it. Depressed.

15. I just received an invitation to my 35th high school reunion. It tells me where to send the check, and neglects to mention how much is being charged. I'm not going, anyway, but I was kind of amused.

16. My Congressman is younger than I am.

17. I'm proud both my children are Beatles fans.

18. I can't tolerate people telling me how much they love snow anymore. Go out and shovel my driveway if you love it so much.

19. I can see the day coming where I shave my beard off because I'll look too much like Santa Claus.

20. In six months, it will be just the two of us in the house again. 

21. I read the obituaries in the newspaper every day. 

22. For that matter, I read the NEWSPAPER every day.

23. I think Kindles are really cool. But I don't want one.

24. I think Wii Fit is an actual workout.

25. I don't think Judd Apatow is funny.

26. I don't find it amusing when AARP sends me membership information anymore. It is pretty funny, though, when they send it to my 20-year-old son.

27. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Well, it could be worse."

28. I begin sentences to my children with, "Back when I was young..."

29. I don't fantasize about playing guitar with Bruce Springsteen anymore. I do sometimes think about playing with James Taylor.

30. I'm typing this wearing reading glasses. Over my contact lenses.

LP Archive Project Update: Two weeks' worth sounds like a lot, but really wasn't. Reading students' scripts, keeping up with the 1000 words a day of my own (now completed and in the "fix it up before submission" phase). But we did get through Robert Klein (Mind Over Matter is the best), Bonnie Koloc (Mrs. Me's records), Leo Kottke (nice instrumentals, vocals, eh) and then the brilliant Mr. Tom Lehrer, elitist satirist extraordinaire. Some of it meaner than I remembered, but "The Vatican Rag" is two minutes of absolute genius.

After that, it was the Lennons (John and Julian--not that much John that isn't already duplicated on CD; Julian is better than I remembered), Huey Lewis and the News (not deep and soul-baring, but fun), Little River Band (sift, there's good stuff there) and now working on Loggins and Messina. Just started. 

Coming up: The Lovin' Spoonful, Nick Lowe, Mama and the Papas and Sir Paul McCartney.

Comments

[Keli Scrapchansky]

Way too many of these apply to me - and I was really sure I was young and hip. Who IS Judd Apatow?

[Holly Gault]

Oh, honey, it only gets worse. Although I'm designing the website for my 45th reunion and thinking, 'My classmates are making enough to afford these prices?'

[Steve Weddle]

RE: #22
Thank you.

[Carrie]

Who is Judd Apatow? Who is Judd Apatow?? ACK. Judd Apatow, for the purposes of our story, began his career with the tv show Freaks and Geeks, which would become a fountainhead of future success. Apatow went on to make some Will Ferrell movies, such as Talladega Nights and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, before circling back to rescue his Freaks and Geeks cohorts from obscurity, making stars of people like Jason Segel and Seth Rogen, thanks to movies like Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. In short, Judd Apatow is the current king of gross out comedy, with a genre niche that features underachieving everymen who seek to be rescued out of their ordinary lives by a woman who is both too good for them and, often as not, rather hardhearted. That's who Judd Apatow is. (As an aside, I only like some of his movies. I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall. But could have done without Knocked Up.)

[Jeff Cohen]

Just for the record, I have nothing against Judd Apatow. I just don't think his movies are funny. But worse than that, because they've all (pretty much) been successful, Hollywood will now greenlight ONLY Judd Apatow-type comedies, and that annoys me no end. Suppose some genius studio head had axed the Marx Brothers because "everyone knows Laurel and Hardy is the way comedy is going now."

[Doris Ann]

35th class reunion...you youngster, you. My
50th has come and gone (without me). It was the weekend of a Bouchercon. As I told my
classmates, the should know that they can't compete with books, authors and hundreds of mystery fans.
But it was very funny, Jeff...except your taste in music is too "new" for me. I pretty much deserted the popular music scene when Elvis descended on us.

[Debbie]

I liked the world better when Paul was dead, and John and George were still alive, that's what kind of old fogey I am.

[Lorraine]

Your list pretty well sums it up for me, too. I do still buy new music, but it's mostly new age, mellow-in-the-background stuff I can play when I write.

Maybe I can borrow my husband's walker (he just got a new knee).

[Morgan Mandel]

I also hate snow.
My doctors are younger than I am.
I bought a record player that can put my records on memory cards.
I do have an Iphone, though, with the Ipod in it and I do buy songs I like for 99 cents.
I wear trifocals, but the glasses have those special lenses where you can't tell.
I received a notice about a 40 year reunion from college.

I'm glad I'm not the only one getting old!

Morgan Mandel
http://makeminemystery.blogspot.com
http://morganmandel.blogspot.com

[bookwitch]

I was going to ask who Judd Apatow is,but I'm glad I didn't because I didn't quite understand the answer.

At least you have an iPod Jeff. So do I, of course, but I still can't get that Norwegian album with Christmas songs to shut up during January to November.

[Krista Davis]

Jeff, this is priceless. If I didn't relate so well, I'd be very proud that I'm off to tweet about it. Thanks for a good laugh!

~ Krista

[twitter.com/trow125]

Re: #16 on your list, Jeff, your PRESIDENT is younger than you are, too!

[Jeff Cohen]

Indeed, the President is four years younger than I am. Gives you a sense of perspective. As Tom Lehrer put it in 1960 or so, "When Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years."

[Jeff Cohen]

But wait! Here's the part that makes me look REALLY stupid: I looked it up, and my congressman is actually six years older than I am.

[Roger Raffee]

I got good news for you if you're looking for a source to find vinyl records. Go to GEMM.com . GEMM has the largest selection of vinyl from tens of thousands of sellers from around the world. It's a vinyl record collector's dream come true.

[contact lenses]

Oh wow. I couldn't believe that your like that on your given signs. You should explore more now.