Day 6

Jeff Cohen

We'll be back with more of Really Long Stories on Depressing Issues in a moment. But first, a reminder that this is Day 6 of our pledge drive here at your local station, and we'd like to take a moment to discuss the benefits you can enjoy by becoming a member.

As you know, we provide you with crime fiction that tickles your fancy as it stimulates your mind. We create the kind of laugh-filled, character-driven, enjoyable mystery fiction that you just can't get anywhere else, unless you look for it. Now, isn't that worth 0.221424657 (that's 22 cents) per day?

That's right. Buying each and every one of this author's books at full retail price would cost only $80.81. And let's face it, NOBODY pays full retail price anymore. Even at that rate, the daily cost of all this terrific crime fiction entertainment comes to 22 cents per day. 

But we're so sure that you appreciate the kind of crime fiction book programming we offer that if you are willing to double that commitment--yes, we're still only talking about 44 cents per day--and buy TWO copies of this author's books, we'll send you a FREE bookmark as a token of our appreciation.

Yes, you get the entire Aaron Tucker series--FOR WHOM THE MINIVAN ROLLS, A FAREWELL TO LEGS and AS DOG IS MY WITNESS--in addition to the Double Feature Mystery series (SOME LIKE IT HOT-BUTTERED, IT HAPPENED ONE KNIFE, A NIGHT AT THE OPERATION) twice for a pledge of only $161.63, which comes to only 44 cents per day. 

Now, we here realize that money is tight right now. We know you have burdens on your income that you may not have experienced in a good number of years. And we know that picking up a funny mystery book is a way you manage to escape your troubles and immerse yourself in a puzzling mystery that has warmth, characters who feel like family and friends, and some good old-fashioned killing the bad guy. It's an important release, and we're honored to bring it to you.

But, hey. Paper costs money. Ink costs money. The author tells us that college tuition costs a TON of money (and his youngest joins the ranks of burn-the-parents'-retirement-fund this coming September). You think you're helping the cause when you go out and borrow a copy at the library? Worse, when you pass your copy on to a friend or relative because you're "sure they'll enjoy it"? Hey, if they're going to enjoy it so much, let 'em buy their own copy, or better yet, buy them a fresh one yourself! Authors have to eat too, you know!

Sorry. Sometimes we get carried away here. You know, the largest part of our funding for the year comes from people like you. People exactly like you. People who actually look something like you. And without that funding, books like A NIGHT AT THE OPERATION, or the upcoming NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEED, from E.J. Copperman, simply would not exist. And is that the kind of world YOU want to live in?

We didn't think so.

We're about to run out of time, and we know you want to get back to Stuff You Can Tell People You Heard to Make Yourself Sound Smart quickly. So we'll leave you with this thought: Some people say books are an endangered species. They say that soon, we'll all be reading everything off little screens that people like Steve Jobs and Jeff Bezos invent to "simplify" the reading experience and "bring it into the 21st Century." Well, what's simpler than a book? You open it, and the words are there. You put it down, come back, pick it up again, and the words are still there. Now, THAT'S technology!

So please. Take some time out of your busy life--and we know it's busy; you should see the kind of stuff that's going on around here: I mean, the Dunkin' Donuts budget ALONE would sink some small companies--and commit that 22 cents a day. Or, if you feel more comfortable at the entry level of membership, just buy SOME LIKE IT HOT-BUTTERED at $6.99 full retail price. That's 0.01915 cents per day--less than two pennies. 

Are you telling us you can't spring two cents a day? What if we throw in the bookmark?

Comments

[Jack Getze]

Start The First National Cohen Bank of Mystery. You take a few deposits, make loans to anybody who wants to buy your book. If you run into trouble later, there's always the FDIC to bail you out.

[Theresa de Valence]

You're a nut, Jeff. Truly.
;)
Theresa

[Jeff Markowitz]

I can manage the 22 cents today. Tomorrow, not so sure.

[Shirley Wetzel]

Jeff, I already have 2 copies of most of your books (not even counting the ARCs) - so where's my bookmark? Do I have to buy them all over again? Somehow I know what your answer will be ...

[P. Casey Morgan]

As a Development Director (i.e. fundraising) in Public Radio, I think you have a future in writing pitch break scripts. Unfortunately, there's no money in that, even if you do it for a living. But I'd be happy to send you a mug or a tote bag.

[Jeff Cohen]

Hey, if you ever need some freelance help, Casey, you know where to call. Shirley, I can't BELIEVE you don't have a bookmark, but then, neither do I. And Jeff, for 22 cents, I can call you up and read you the first chapter.