Any Potato Vodka in a Storm

by Barbara Poelle

So, like everyone, I am really into Columbo.  I mean, unless I have NO idea what I am talking about, I’m confident saying it’s practically as popular today as it was in the 70’s. It’s like Harry Potter with cigars, am I right? I am sure we could sit here and debate between favorite episodes, and how we felt when we discovered his first name. (What’s that? You think it was never said? Well, you would be correct. But some of us are going to go ahead and be smarter than that, and pause the episode when he flashes his badge in season one and read it off of his ID card. BOO-YA! DOUBLE FIST AIR PUMP!)  Anyway, I am almost done with every episode, I have ONE LEFT, and I am feeling sad about it. And by sad about it, I mean shuffling around the apartment clutching a bottle of Luksusowa and quietly mewling, “Coluuuumbo” every night.  

 

In the hopes that I will stop donning an oversized, rumpled trench coat and occasionally bursting into our neighbor’s apartment to solve a non-existent crime, Husband (who finds this behavior “distracting” and “unnerving” and “dangerously close to in-patient treatment”) has taken it upon himself to research new series for the Netflix queue with the idea to lure me from my mournful widow’s walk.

But none can promise the squinty befuddlement.  None can promise investigations along the dusty culverts of Topanga Canyon, the too-bright lights of Hollywoodland.  NONE CAN MAKE ME CHEER WHEN I SAY IN UNISON, “OH, JUST ONE MORE QUESTION…”  

AGGGGH! The agony of saying goodbye! It burns like a bunion! (Pause to drink from my flask. And by flask, I mean bottle. And by bottle, I mean ceramic head mold of C. Thomas Howell.)

There was a particular episode, (I am going to say season 3??) it was called Any Old Port in a Storm. Anyway, Donald Pleasence gave a RIVETING performance as the episodic antagonist and when Columbo finally closed the deal, it was an arrest so touching, so original, that a single tear made its way down my effervescent olive complected cheek. (Oh, it is effervescent. Don't you worry about that.) So I scuffled my way out of my Snuggie (yes, I do, the leopard one) and I marched into the home office and got out the good stationary. “Dear Mr. Pleasence,” I began, “in an industry where the 'star' gets the credit, you were a veritable supernova in your performance as Andre Carsini…” It was at that moment that someone we’ll call Golly Moot texted me, “What are you doing?” (I swear, she has this weird sixth sense for when I am doing something aggressively odd) And I proudly texted back I was writing Donald Pleasence a fan letter for his portrayal of Andre Carsini in Columbo Season Three and how excited I was for him to read it and she was like, (and I might be paraphrasing, but I doubt it) “I’m not too sure that he will care seeing as how he has been DEAD for 15 years.”

 

AND I WAS CRUSHED.

 

CRUSHED I SAY!

 

 Oh, and how I mourn him still! And then I watched Mrs. Columbo Takes the Case, or some such nonsense, and he played the antagonist AGAIN!! I was SWOONING!!!!

 

Ugh, did anyone appreciate Donald Pleasence the way they should have in Any Port in a Storm?!?! That will plague me until my own death, I can tell you that.

And this brings us to the point: If you have read something in the last six months that really moved you, that really pulled your vestigial tail, DID YOU WRITE THE AUTHOR???? I bet you didn’t. I bet you were all, “She knows she was awesome. I’ll wait until 15 years after she is dead to cry into a martini while my best friend sends 'hahahah something is wrong with you' over a text before I consider dropping her estate a fan letter”.

 

I challenge you…Nay.  I COMMAND YOU, to write a fan letter, today. Right now. Look up the website of an author you adore and just do it. You never know when someone needs to hear it the most. You never know when YOU need to hear it the most.

 

And finally, my question to you is, my people, my Scooby Gang …what do you Netflix the girl who has seen every Miss Maple, every Murder She Wrote, and every Sherlock Holmes? (Of COURSE the Jeremy Brett ones, what do you think I am, an animal??!!?) Can you please get me hooked on something else before I am fitted for a glass eye?

(At least I stopped smoking the cigar….)

 

Comments

[SnoutPetter]

Arrested Development.

Trust me.

[Venus Vaughn]

Clearly you're hooked on Mysteries, but I'm going to recommend a Sci-Fi anyway, and I say this as someone who is NOT a Sci-Fi geek.

Farscape.

It's all kinds of amazing, and bonus points, all the actors are still alive.

(Oh, and I wrote my last fan letter last summer to an insanely popular author who replied within 24 hours with a thank-you and a mention of how much she needed to hear that.)

[Kathleen Bittner Roth]

Waaay back, in the land of ex-husbands, one day I came upon my mother-in-law (after my son, she was the best thing to come out of the marriage-what does that tell you?)writing a thank you note to an author for having 'fed her soul'. Until then, writing to an author never dawned on me...wouldn't the publishing houses only toss it and laugh? Besides, authors were on pedestals, above it all, and not quite human. As a post script to her letters, ex-mom-in-law often extended invitations to the authors to stay in her home if he/she was ever in the area. Well, after sitting at ex-mom's dining room table with sometimes strange-sometimes sane, but incredibly diverse authors from Iran, India, and God-knew-where-froms, to this day I have been known to add the same post script whenever I write to an author. That said, Barbara, if you are ever in my area (San Antonio or Opatija, Croatia-depends on the time of year)... :-)

[Jeff Cohen]

Two things: 1. The MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. is out on DVD, and I urge you to leap! 2. The co-creator of COLUMBO Richard Link will be at the Malice Domestic conference this weekend, and wouldn't we all love to see our Barbara there... ?

[Tracy Kiely]

Foyle's War. Murder - yes. Trench coat - yes. Not wrinkled, but there is mumbling. Mumbling, mind you, in that glorious upper class British way and so that kinda counts.

[Lauren]

Columbo was cancelled before I was born, but I distinctly remember my grandmother popping Jiffy Pop and making me watch the reruns on VHS when she babysat me. For some reason I am associating that show with the footie pajamas I wore during most of the 80's.

Shows I have marathoned recently, though:

Dexter
Desperate Housewives
Arrested Development
Dead Like Me (only ran for two seasons but it's great. Stay far away from the movie sequel though. FAR. AWAY.)
Mary Tyler Moore (I want a sunken living room now)
30 Rock
Big Love (Yes, Bill Paxton makes you itchy. He makes us ALL itchy. But it's still a great show)
Weeds (eh.)

[Amy Lindel]

Jeeves and Wooster. Not as gritty as Columbo, certainly, but it comes with that most delicious of thespian duos, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry.

[Roy Innes]

Try any of the excellent British mysteries on PBS. Helen Mirren in Prime Suspects is best. New Tricks is another that you'd like--much humour.
Miss Marple, with an "r" BTW.

[Mark Phialas]

"Homicide: Life on the Street."

"The Wire."

Usually, I try to include something lame, which i alone think is funny. Sigh.

But I never kid about "Homicide" or "The Wire."

They aren't TV. They're David Simon. And they're terrific.

[Susanne]

You can thank me later:

1) The Fugitive (David Janssen, a pediatrician falsely accused of killing his wife, he's a victim of blind justice --that says it all).

2) Life (a cop (Damian Lewis) falsely accused of killing his best friend & family -- only on for two seasons but you'll want to buy this one so don't bother renting it).

Susanne

[twitter.com/robertklewis]

I actually OWN a copy of the script from that episode! Has notes on it, too, from P.F. That's my FAVORITE epi, too, haha! Seriously, I'm a Columbo fanatic. My second favorite epi is the one with Johnny Cash.

[Jane Steen]

The House of Cards trilogy produced by the BBC in the 1990s for a chilling performance by Ian Richardson (Netflix has it, I checked). Totally watchagainable.

[Poppy]

Father Dowling? Scarecrow and Mrs. King? I loved both for years.

[schreck]

The great archetypes of American drama often share a commonality.

Columbo had a basset hound.

When it comes to Netflix TV series, I have two words and a contraction for you.

"Book 'em Danno."

Hawaii FFin-0

[Pepper Smith]

Definitely Farscape. It's unlike any scifi you've ever seen before. Intensely original, and most of the actors have Aussie accents. By the time you hit the end of season one, you'll be phoning Netflix and telling them to ship the next episodes by express mail.

[Alli]

I wish I could recommend something that comes close to Columbo, but alas, nothing comes to mind (except The Wire).

I've sent fan letters to three authors in the past year and every one of them wrote back and thanked me (two said they really appreciated fan mail coming from another writer and the other author wrote back and even though she was under a tight deadline she said getting fan mail encouraged her to keep slogging away).

[Amanda Forester]

I love BBC mysteries. Jonathan Creek and Cadfael are my favorites. And hey - thanks for the laugh every Tuesday. I look forward to it!

[Kevin R. Tipple]

"McCloud" was so much better than Columbo.

I would suggest "Farscape" too. Along with "Homicide" and "the Wire."

[M. Henry]

Columbo was fantabulous! Loved the coat and cigar. And the hair! Loved loved loved the rumpled hair.

[A.H. Ream]

Have you seen and loved and memorized every episode of the Nero Wolfe TV series yet? You haven't? HOW CAN YOUR LIFE POSSIBLY CONTINUE? You must watch them all in one continuous marathon while eating Doritos and snack-sized Snickers bars. It's the best way.

[Lori]

Veronica Mars. Only three seasons, but they are so good.

[Carrie]

If it's Donald Pleasence you want, it is Donald Pleasence you will get, in the greatest television series of all time - Mystery Science Theater 3000. You can see Donald in The Puma Man, you can see Donald in The Warrior of the Lost World, and I have no doubt there is yet more Donald to be had, those are just the two that sprung to mind. Of all the shows I've loved and lost, the only one I actually cared about losing, aside from Manimal (I think it goes without saying that NBC was on CRACK when they pulled that baby), was MST3K. I still miss it. Sigh. If you are unfamiliar with MST3K, I'd recommend beginning with "Mitchell." No Donald, but plenty of Joe Don Baker, and that's almost as good.

[Adriennemichellemiller]

I love me some Columbo. I got hooked this one day when there was a marathon on A&E and I was hiding inside all day from some massive winter storm.

Jonathan Creek is good. So is Cafael. But really nothing if you've got yourself a Columbo jones, nothing else is going to satisfy. It's a harsh truth.

[Amy Lindel]

MANIMAL!!! I loved that show. It was a true failure of programming imagination that they could not see the glory in a dude that turns into a panther. Sigh.

[Venus Vaughn]

Oh yeah, I'm going to second Foyle's War. That kicked butt. Just as British, though slightly more modern, is Inspector Lynley mysteries which come with bonus eye-candy in the shape of Lynley himself.

And "Veronica Mars" was quite divine in Season 1, slightly (ever-so) less in Season 2, and then network executives got ahold of it in Season 3 and the magic was lost as they were forced to follow formula. But Season 1 was definitely worth the price of admission.