Or the Flamethrower of Hubris

by Barbara Poelle

For as much as I loved Wonder Woman as a kid, upon reflection she had some laaaame props. Like when she would sit in that invisible plane WE COULD STILL SEE HER. So, um, what’s the point of that? It just seems more difficult for HER. Like the henchman who had to stand on the roof as a lookout just clicked on his walkie-talkie and was like, “Um, this might be something. There is a chick in a seated position hurtling towards us. Should I, uh, shoot at her?”

 Also, the Lasso of Truth? Come ON! I realize she had to leave Themyscira fairly quickly, but she had enough time to grab the bullet deflecting bracelets.  Why wouldn’t you grab, I dunno, the Blow Dart of Sleepytime?  Where you could shoot your enemy from a long distance and then beat the truth out of them when they wake up.  Or the Super Soaker of Scream where you would douse your enemies with liquid acid and they would melt and then who cares what they had to say anyway?

Or the weapon I would choose, the Paddleball of Email Response.

This is the MOST valuable weapon in your arsenal as it allows you to immediately retract an angry and/or humiliating email sent prematurely.  Don’t believe me? See below:

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: [email protected]

Date: Thu, Apr 15, 2010 at 10:59 AM

Subject: Something is wrong with all of my pencils

To:[email protected]

Inga-

Something is wrong with all my pencils. When I stick them in the electric sharpener they shatter. What the hell kind of [redacted] is this? Why can’t you order me some [redacted] pencils that won’t [redacted] fall apart in my [redacted] hands when I sharpen them?!!?

-BP

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: [email protected]

Date: Thu, Apr 15, 2010 at 11:04 AM

Subject: Re: Something is wrong with all of my pencils

To:[email protected]

Inga-

Why haven’t you gotten back to me about the [redacted] pencils? I tried to [redact] sharpen another one and a [redacted] shard of SOMETHING flew at my eye. It was [redacted] HORRIFIC. Like that time the [redacted] hobo spit in my mouth in Madison Square Park.  I am trying to do the [redacted] crossword and you know I can’t do it in [redacted] pen. If you don’t email me in the next seven minutes I am going to [redacted] with the [redacted] and [redacted] [redacted] which will most definitely be unpleasant.

[Redacted]

BP

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: [email protected]

Date: Thu, Apr 15, 2010 at 11:09 AM

Re:Re: Something is wrong with all of my pencils

To: [email protected]

 

Ms. Poelle-

I am sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner, but the elevator is out and I am carrying the crate of Chopin up to the seventh floor.  

The pencils are all mechanical.

-Inga

-------------

Now see?  Clearly the Paddleball of Email Response is needed.  I mean, can you believe it! It was a low point, I mean, truly. Because, you KNOW Inga didn’t want to sound as condescending and arrogant as she did with her response. She must have winced the second she hit send. And why wasn’t she setting the crate down at each landing and checking to see if I needed anything in the time it took her to heave it up another flight? If she had the Paddleball of Email Response, she would have activated it immediately and then she wouldn’t have had to miss her parent’s 30^th wedding anniversary party and stay and catalogue all of my NHL trading cards. (I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE MIKE MODANO RETIRED!! I have his rookie card. Let the envy wash over you.)

See, the thing is, email tone and intent can be easily misread, and sometimes, an angry email response UNSENT is worth the follow up email from the sender that apologizes or clarifies what they meant in theirs.  I have a friend we’ll call Volly Boot who reminds me to treat frustrating emails like eating at swimming pools- wait at least an hour to let everything settle before diving in.  Sometimes I remember this, but sometimes, like Inga, hubris gets the best of me and I fire off something that is aggressive and unnecessary.  (Once, when I was being chastised for sending a, shall we say, pointedly worded email, my colleague Jon Sternfeld said: “You run differently than the rest of us. It’s like, she pushed you, so you shot her. “)

Another colleague of mine, we’ll call her Beantown30, sent a kindly worded pass letter to an author and got back two words:

“[Redacted] fantastic”

Only then to receive a HORRIFIED email follow up minutes later with the author explaining she was trying to forward  the response to a friend and did NOT want Beantown30 to see that and she is totally mortified.

We are all guilty of some form of it or another. So spill it. I gotta hear it. Have you ever sent an email you shouldn’t have?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Carrie]

Once I got a frantic call from my sister, asking whether I'd just received an e-mail from her. I had not. This confirmed her fears -- her eyes did not deceive her, she had hit "reply" and not "forward."

We are horse people, and a friend of hers had a horse for sale. She thought she was forwarding the ad on to me, and so made side comments like, "Isn't that a horrible name? I still don't understand why the hell she named him that" along with, "the ad says he's in perfect weight but he really needs to gain forty pounds or so." Thankfully, she also said things like, "he's a really nice horse."

But that didn't stop her from screaming like the Wicked Witch stuck in a dual head shower, screeching over and over again that she wanted to die.

I laughed. Really, really hard.

Karma's gonna get me for that.

[Lauren]

Once. Almost. I'd tell you about it, but as your own blog indicates, you'd have shot me for it. But let's just say, if I had sent it, oh man, it would have been so funny. You and I would have really had a good laugh... before you'd shoot me. So nevermind.

[Alli]

Oh, yeah. Twelve years later and I'm still cringing. I worked for a company that has offices in all states of Australia and my buddy sent a nice "I'm outta here, thanks for the good times" email to everyone in the company. He hated the place and was lying through his crooked teeth, so I sent a sarcastic email telling him that and asked him why he didn't tell it like it really is. I hit send and realised I'd replied to all. Oh. My. (Redacted.) Gawd. Everyone in the company got it, including my boss - who laughed his head off. I then went on to get a promotion and decent payrise a few months later. Don't ask me how, I have no idea.

[Alli]

I will add that in the email I agreed with my buddy and put my two cents in as to how cruddy the company was. Which is exactly why I couldn't work out why I got the promotion!

[Mark Phialas]

Inga has a tough job. Chopin is a heavy dude.

[Carrie]

Wow. That is classic. :D

[therapistwriter]

Once I was so excited about a request for a full that I sent it and a cover letter zinging off to the agent. Unfortunately I had dropped a letter off said agent's name and ended up calling her a "Bad Ass Aryan." Got a well-deserved and prompt form rejection.

[Human Resources Department, Dewey Cheatham & Howe]

Inge Vonpeepenskeeven has applied for a job at our agency. She has a list of demands that include: building must have freight elevator; no one allowed to speak Lithuanian within her hearing; sharp objects are kept under lock and key.

Can you please verify if these terms of employment applied at her former position? She's insisted they are industry standards.

[Barbara Poelle]

Dear Sir,
I am very sorry I will have to withdraw my application. I am very very very very very happy at my current position. And no one is standing behind me in Kate Spades and growling.
Sincerely,
Inga VonPeepenskeeven

[Human Resources Department, Dewey Cheatham & Howe]

Dear Ms. Poelle,
Sadly you failed Email Ventriloquism 101 in Agent School and your foolish attempt to withdraw Miss VonPeepenskeeven's application to Dewey, Cheatham & Howe is rejected since you're it's not quite right.

[Keli Scrapchansky]

It wasn't an email. It was a text.

[Keli Scrapchansky]

I guess my html skills are rusty. I tried to link to my blog, so I wouldn't have to rewrite the story. The gist: sent for husband's eyes only picture to friend instead. Yeah, it was a low point and very confusing for my friend.

[Sam]

About four years ago, I received an email from a literary magazine with the subject line, "Hey, Butthead!" The body contained a standard rejection letter. A follow up email sent moments later had the subject line, "I'm so very sorry." The editor had intended my subject line for an email to his brother, and his brother had gotten an email with the subject line, "Your submission". Unfortunately, he didn't feel badly enough about the mix-up to change his mind about my story.

[Marisa Birns]

Have not done anything like that on email yet. Of course now that I've said that, something will happen.

[Mark Souza]

About a dozen years ago I received a joke via email. I can't remember it now, but it was funny and involved a woman's husband dying (trust me, it was funny despite how it sounds). I forwarded it to a friend at work who frequently sends me jokes. There are thousands of people where I work so the company email address book is huge. I inadvertent picked the name above my buddy's, and wouldn't you know it, the name I accidentally picked was a woman whose husband died the year before. She wanted to know how I'd gotten her name. She was actually a good sport about it. She said people had been walking on eggshells around her since her husband's death and it was good to finally laugh again.

Lucky, lucky me.

[Alli]

Oh man, Mark you definitely had luck on your side with that one. Phew!

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