Language Lessons

Jeff Cohen

After driving to Philadelphia, then Arlington VA, then back to central New Jersey in the course of a few days, it's important to sit back, take stock, and think about life.

Okay, now that we've done that, let's think about learning a new language.

Let's face it: English isn't what it used to be. People are running around speaking whatever language they feel like speaking, both willy and nilly, having no regard for whether or not we understand them. And living in the age of Bluetooth means they're not just speaking other languages, they're speaking them loudly and in public, like on the Northeast Corridor Trenton local going into Penn Station on 34th Street in New York City.

I've put a good number of years into trying to get everyone to speak English when I'm around, and now that I'm teaching a writing course at the college level, I realize that's an impossible dream. English is doomed, and those of us with any regard for words at all must cut our losses and move on to another tongue post haste (that's Latin--it means fast).

But all that driving over the past few days has made me uniquely qualified to help in one particular language that has gotten very little attention. It's something that is specifically designed to be useful and it is tied to our modern times, but most people are far from fluent. In this case, that lack of knowledge could cost you your life.

Intrigued, aren't you? Well, consider: Learn to understand and speak this language, and your likelihood of ending up in a smoking heap at the bottom of a ditch is greatly decreased. Read carefully, because this is the wave of the future. And so, as a public service, Hey, There's A Dead Guy In The Living Room is pleased to offer:

The English/GPS--GPS/English Dictionary.

Think about it: Your GPS, with the voice of John Cleese, Bob Dylan, Homer Simpson or for all I know, Jessica Simpson is giving you instructions in "real time" (not fake time, like most other devices) that could make the difference between you arriving at your intended destination or driving off a bridge to your certain doom. So read on, driving New Millennium citizens--this one's for you!

(Phrases are offered in sequence, meaning the first is the beginning of the route, then the first turn, and so on.)

Turn left: My god, I can't believe you actually need directions out of your own driveway. Don't you know not to turn on your GPS until you're past the point where you can easily navigate yourself? How did I get purchased by such a moron?

In one quarter-mile, turn right: There are three right turns coming up. I'm betting you don't know how far a quarter-mile is. Bwahahahaha!

Keep left, in five hundred yards: If you don't know about a quarter-mile, there's no chance at all you can gauge five hundred yards. Besides, when I say "keep left," I actually mean "turn left, but not really sharply."

Take the motorway: No, I'm not British. I'm just messing with your head. It means "go on the highway." (The "not being British" thing doesn't apply if you have the voice of John Cleese on your GPS.)

Go straight on: Another fake British thing, although I can't be sure there isn't a veiled homophobic reference in there.

Take the exit right in two miles: Now I'm really messing with your head--Two miles? The exit's really in less than one. It's some weird default thing I always do when you're driving on the highway.

Turn around when possible: Good lord, you're an idiot! You've messed up so badly now that even I can't find a logical route for you to take other than to double back and DO WHAT I SAID THE FIRST TIME!

You have reached your destination: Praise the lord and pass the ammunition; you finally took my advice and got where you were going. I need a drink.

Make a U-turn: I SAID you had reached your destination! What are you doing driving by... hey! This is Circuit City! Are you looking for a new GPS???? I was just KIDDING about that U-turn thing! We can work this out! Hey!

LP-to-Digital Conversion Project Report: The slowest week yet. Basically, three albums by the Pointer Sisters (this week: all my dear wife's records), and a folky thing by somebody named Jim Post who went from playing folk songs in Chicago (where said dear wife was based for a few years) to playing Mark Twain onstage whenever Hal Holbrook wasn't in town. Not much to say, but next week: Richard Pryor and Gerry Rafferty.

Comments

[Theresa de Valence]

Nuts, I tell you. Nuts.

(Good morning, Jeff)

Theresa

[Roy Innes]

I have a GPS that sounds a lot like yours. It's called my wife.

[Lynne Patrick]

Last summer we had a French GPS which we switched to English because we don't speak good enough French. I don't know who was more confused - us or her.