Sharktionary Volume One

By Barbara Poelle

Husband and I have a different idea of what “on time” means. For me, 5 minutes early is seven minutes late, and for Husband, 5 minutes early is like a unicorn selling quality real estate for low prices along the Hudson…a nice idea, but it ain't happening. 

Recently when I was determined to leave “on time” I called out from the bathroom- “We are leaving in 2 minutes…do you have your shoes on?” “Yeeeeessss,” he droned, and I could HEAR his eye roll.  But when I emerged- coiffed and spectacular- one minute and 37 seconds later, there he was, in all of his socky glory.

“Are you kidding me? I just asked you if you had your shoes on and you said YES!”

He rose, slowly, with his thumb moving a snail’s pace over the power button on the remote, turned to me, and without a hint of irony said, “When you said, ‘do you have your shoes on’ I thought you meant ‘are you in the process of getting your shoes and putting them on’.  Which I am.”

Reader, I married him.

But this brings up something I think we can all use.  (And no, I don’t mean access to feet sanitizer for Skadger baths.) So, without further ado, and of course helpfully illustrated, I present to you the “what I really meant” glossary, also known as:  

The SHARKTIONARY

Vol. 1.

What I say:

I am having difficulty seeing where this would be shelved.

What I mean:

What I say: Not at alllll! I am not doing anything in particular right now anyway.

What I mean:

 

 

What I say: I find that editor can be difficult to pin down.

What I mean:

What I say: Nobody Panic.

What I mean:

 

What I say: Negotiations are going very smoothly.

What I mean:

 
What I say: I have a comprehensive, four-pronged plan of attack I am going to initiate.

What I mean:

What I say: I am attending a conference.

What I mean:

What I say: Janet Reid ALSO offered on this one? Well congrats! We’ll all figure it out I am sure.

What I mean:

This is way, way too fun. Play Sharktionary in the comments. Death Kitten will vote on her favorite and we'll crown you Contributing Editor of the Sharktionary.

Comments

[Carrie]

When I am standing at the front door ready to go, and my husband, whilst pulling on shoes, says, "I'm going to get a glass of water," (Seriously. A GLASS OF WATER.) and then, as we're leaving, he asks, "are you okay?"

I say, "I'm fine."

What I mean:

http://pixdaus.com/pics/bqrMtXzrwktiLTb39S.jpg

[Carrie]

I SAID, WHAT I MEAN IS:

http://pixdaus.com/single.php?id=21004

(It better work this time.)

[Lauren]

Doesn't matter what I say. What I ALWAYS mean is:

http://i1026.photobucket.com/albums/y325/ldest/OMGOMGOMG.jpg

[Paula Matter]

What You Say: You removed a comma? Sure, I'd LOVE to see the revision!

What You Mean:

http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b377/htin/s_flypig.gif

[barbara]

I am laughing so hard, these are SPECTACULAR! I cannot wait to hear the Death Kitten weigh in. Also, did anyone notice when you drag your cursor over the photos in the blog there is an extra added secret message? I think I am wildly clever.

[Carrie]

I love secret messages! (Is Polly Foot the one wearing the lipstick?)

[Carrie]

The trailer for Paranormal Activity 2? Scary? No, you know, it didn't bother me at all.

What I Mean:

http://www.tra-online.com/eclipse_photo_winner_2005.jpg

[Stephanie Feldstein]

"That's one way to add tension to the plot..."

What I mean: Sharktopus

http://video.hollywoodreporter.com/services/player/bcpid6555681001?bctid=115484214001

[Sean Ferrell]

What I say: "Of course I would consider leaving Janet Reid."

What I mean: "I like having two kidneys, thanks anyway."

[Skadger Family Circus]

When I licked Barbara's foot what I meant to do was this

[Skadger Family Circus]

When I licked Barbara's foot what I meant to do was this: http://numpanglewat.wordpress.com/2008/06/

[barbara]

Of COURSE she is.

[barbara]

Yessssssssssssssssssss. Sept 25th! Mark in on your calendar...in bloooood.

[Wendy]

When I'm "ready to go," I'm standing at the door with my keys in hand, with the toddler clothed, changed, fed, and ready to go outside.

When my husband is "ready to go," it means he's ready to head out as soon as he gets his socks, shoes, possibly pants, a drink of orange juice, uses the bathroom, and finds his glasses which have inexplicably migrated to a secret undisclosed location somewhere in the house.

I really, really hate being late.

[barbara]

Well played, Skadger Family Circus, Well played.

[Meredith]

Janet Reid looks up at me across our desks (recently made to face each other--to facilitate these things) and says: "You need sushi for lunch." Me: "Well, 'need' is a strong word..."

What I mean is: http://www.davidairey.com/images/photography/dr-evil.jpg

[Amy Lindel]

When I say to my publisher, "Oh, we're adding four new books to the fall schedule? And they're all two months late on everything? And you need tipsheets yesterday? No problem!" What I mean is...

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XZEJOXcMQiI/SyXtvtYaPSI/AAAAAAAAAf0/6UuvQUD-UM0/s800/Cutie_Baby_Animals__1.jpg
(Caption: Mommy, help me!)

[Josie Brown]

Here's one:

When I say, "The editor took your manuscript to committee..." what I mean is:

http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/35117.jpg

[Janet Reid]

When I say "You're fired" what I really mean is "I'll set myself on fire if you ever leave."
http://twitpic.com/273qbr

[Meredith]

That will be allowed only in effigy. http://lettersfromberlin.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/burning-man-07.jpg

[Carrie]

What is my husband doing at your house?

http://secondpagemedia.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/confused_dog.jpg

[The Death Kitten]

The Death Kitten is amused. Please provide additional entertainment. I look forward to adjudicating your hilarity.

[Carrie]

I have already put my friends on notice. The Sharktopus Viewing Party/Drinking Game (Rules as Decreed by Barbara Poelle) will be epic in its scope and majesty. And by that I mean it will look a lot like this:

http://wasasports.playcoed.com/images/cache/teams/235_h_4478.jpg

[barbara]

The DK has SPOKEN!!! Or, uh, meowed. Keep these coming and the winner will be announced on Dana Kaye's blog entry here, this Friday, and will ALSO receive as an ADDED BONUS a copy of the newly crowned ITW Debut Thriller of the Year RUNNING FROM THE DEVIL by Jamie Freveletti. Dig in, people, it's the Sharktionary here.

[barbara]

The DK has SPOKEN!!! Or, uh, meowed. Keep these coming and the winner will be announced on Dana Kaye's blog entry here, this Friday, and will ALSO receive as an ADDED BONUS a copy of the newly crowned ITW Debut Thriller of the Year RUNNING FROM THE DEVIL by Jamie Freveletti. Dig in, people, it's the Sharktionary here.