From the Desk of Inga VonPeepenskeeven

Confidential Internal Office Memo

Interns, you have done a fine job so far this summer- especially those of you involved in the near fiasco we’ll just call the Home Waxing Kit. However, those of you who have survived, you have done so only to make it here to August, the dog days of summer. The hazy days where Ms. Poelle is more likely to throw a stiletto at you than look at you (and I am happy to report that Collins did not need stitches). These are the four weeks where she reads like Mel Gibson on a bender- tearing through her current submissions in order to unload her double barrels of drunken vitriol across the industry come September 7th.

In order to make it through to Labor Day, you’ll need to do exactly what I say and when I say it. You have less than 4 weeks and then you will be handed the proverbial golden hammer with which to smash the shackles that have chained you to the whims of Beelzebub- don’t blow it in the zero hour. 

Echolstein- I am going to need you to track down one of those helmets with the cups on either side and 19 bottles of top shelf vodka. And BY GOD, MAN, make sure it is polish potato vodka…remember, we still don’t really know what happened to Gregson.

Fredricks- Purchase the As Seen On TV Magic Bullet blender with three blade attachments, 16 lbs of filet mignon, 11 large baked potatoes, and 47 packages of Reese’s Pieces.   I will mark which cup on the helmet is for you and which is for Echolstein.

Sparks- I need you to go to a store known as The Big D and pick up three of the same cotton dress that could double as both a nightgown and a summer frock. Think roomy. Think stretchy. Think muumuu. Get a small, a medium and a large and for the LOVE OF BIEBER FEVER, remove all size tags. Don’t worry; I’ll whisper you through the actual changings as the weeks move on. It’s like in the zoo when they put down a big cat to give it a root canal- you can’t help but imagine the eyes slamming open and that great paw tearing the flesh off of your face from your temple to your jaw, but trust me, it’s out.

I have purchased several packages of adult diapers for myself, and I do have a cot behind the copy machine, but on the one in one thousand chance I am away from my desk, you need to know only three numbers on the speed dial for the month of August:

 #1 is Amy Lindel. This is to be utilized in any situation where it appears Ms. Poelle may be getting slush drunk. Symptoms may present themselves as musing on whether or not trying to break out an erotic YA is a good idea, or that a novel about the lives and loves of Steve Gutenburg has that certain celebrity appeal.

#2 is Molly Zoot. This is a catch-all call, but to be used very, very wisely. I am very good friends with her assistant, and I was told that in August, Zoot “puts the rage back in outrageous”.  

#3 is Janet Reid.  If asked to place this call, all you need to do is open my top left hand desk drawer, remove the air horn, dial, and when Ms. Reid answers, pump the air horn once, clearly, into the receiver, and then hang up. Don’t ask. Just do it.

And yes, you will notice a #0 but this is for Husband, and he’s been around for a lot of dog days in the past, so he now has the wherewithal to spend most of the month of August skeet shooting or dry walling. Or maybe it’s snake whispering.  

All right team, say it with me:

 August? Bring it.

 

Comments

[Noelle Pierce]

Coffee. All over my laptop. God this made me laugh (like tears freely spilling over and full-on belly aches). Thank you.

[JanetReid]

Who was that masked aaaahhhhoooooooga?

[Alli]

Sorry Janet but number three did amuse me. Actually all of it did. Why isn't Inga performing on stage?

[Keli Scrapchansky]

I woke up thinking, "It's a Poelle blog day." Sad but true. For the love of Bieber fever, how do you think of this stuff?

[barbara]

I can't hear you, this helmet is covering my ears....mmmm, Reese's....

[Dr. Beau Rockman, MD,DDS,BSE]

Inga,
I claim eptitude (yes, Inga, that is a real word) in many different disciplines so if the pressure becomes unbearable approaching the equinox, please call for valuable yet no-charge counsel. And that thing about dialing "0": be sure that your sunglasses are so well matched to your face that even Temperance Brennan would approve.

[Lartonmedia]

*Cries with laughter*

Inga, please marry me and have my babies!

[security systems]

there are more and more reasons nowadays to invest in a good security system.