Killing Me With Kindness

by Barbara Poelle

I have seen some examples of what being nice can do for you in this last month that have left me confused at the overall concept of niceness.

Example #1: Agent Lovely is kind to an author who isn’t hers, complimenting author on her latest novel and inquiring politely about a common friend they have. This is done in public, with many witnesses. The agent is later cornered by said author’s agent, Agent Wary, who proceeds to prattle on about nothing until finally inquiring upon the conversation that Agent Lovely had with Agent Wary’s client and making a not-so-veiled threat and using the word “poaching”.

Agent Lovely searches for Ashton Kutcher, but sadly, she is not being Punk’d. (Although she decides to finally follow him on Twitter. )

Example #2: Agent Honest receives notification that Author- who had previously queried and been passed on -now has an offer from a publisher. Agent Honest congratulates Author and says that unfortunately she will be standing by her original assessment as she didn’t find the material to resonate with her but she is sure that Author will connect with the right advocate for her work. Author responds by email quickly with “I don’t understand. I have an offer.” Author Honest says again she is happy for him, but again would only want to add to her list projects she felt enthusiasm over. She is sure Author can understand and wishes him best of luck again. Author CALLS Agent Honest. Author, upset and short tempered says, “But when I mentioned your name to the editor she said she has worked with you before and looks forward to connecting on this one.”  Author Honest says although she is flattered to be so sought after, the kind of effort she puts in is not for a book deal but a career, and would want to have an overall career plan that she saw clearly. And without enthusiasm, that is hard to do and not the strongest choice for the Author. There is a silence and Author says, “But I don’t understand what enthusiasm has to do with MONEY.” and hangs up.

Agent Honest slowly lowers the phone to the cradle and then, staring into the middle distance, thinks about going back to college and getting her degree in Kinesiology and going to work for the Jets. They know a thing or two about the importance of enthusiasm.

Example #3: Agent Knowledge hears through the grapevine that Agent Concerned is having an issue with Determined Client. Agent Knowledge takes it upon himself to call up Agent Concerned and spend almost 40 minutes on the phone detailing a similar situation he has muscled through and how he handled it. A week later, Agent Knowledge is at an event with Agent Concerned and another agent when the other agent asks Agent Concerned what happened with Determined Client. Agent Concerned proceeds to outline everything she did which is to the letter what Agent Knowledge had advised. This alone is fine, but as Agent Knowledge listens, Agent Concerned is not only creating the illusion that she invented this technique, but he is suddenly and thunderously struck by the realization that Agent Concerned NEVER THANKED HIM. He makes a pointed exit from the group where Agent Concerned is being congratulated by their peers for such creative thinking for her client.

He wanders over to the bar and promptly orders something called a Flaming Fish Bowl and then wakes up the next morning in Queens with a tattoo that says Jake on his bicep.

He doesn’t know anyone by that name.

So I ask you, what has happened to good old fashioned niceness? Whose mother raised these people?

To make up for this and put the universe back on a path of righteousness, I am going to be nice for 7 days.

Okay, I mean 3 days.

 Okay, I mean today.

 

Comments

[LaurenDeStefano]

Because you haven't yet killed me or blocked my email address, I think you are always super nice.

[Alli]

Baby steps, Barbara. Aim for morning tea and go from there. Although if the big fish with teeth calls, you might be lucky to get past 9.03am.

[Amy Lindel]

I love this Pilgrim's Progress view of the publishing industry, too! I wish everyone in the biz went by handles. Then I could be sure to do business with Agent Lovely, while she could avoid Editor Lazy, and we could both pursue Author Brilliant while passing on Huckster Sketchy.

[Tracy Kiely]

Does Inga know?

[Kim W]

Barbara, I find you one of the sweetest and nicest, not to mention the most freaking funniest agent and person. Hang tough, girl, dream about petting shark snouts and how you can mess with Janet Reid! And don't forget the potato vodka. Whatever that is. :-D

[Janet Reid]

This is the reason God invented tasers. Next time someone isn't nice, you zap em.

I myself have employed this strategy...YOW!!! OW!!! DAMN IT Barbara! I didn't mean ME.

[Maria]

Don't bother; it's cutthroat out there. Put your kneepads on, strap on the helmet and GO!

Kill them with Kindness??? It's faster to just run them over with your car.

[barbara]

I'm toasting with the Kool-Aid, Maria!!!

[barbara]

Inga has been crying in the bathroom for the last 20 minutes. I am assuming she has allergies.

[Tracy Kiely]

Did you pull an Arnie and try to hug it out with her?

[r. lewis]

"“But I don’t understand what enthusiasm has to do with MONEY.” "

But I was really only wondering, I swear. I didn't mean to sound so bitter.

Sorry! :-(

[Adam]

Aspiring Author Exceedingly Nice would be very enthused to talk career development with Agent Honest. Assuming she's interested, of course.

[Carrie]

Remember, your reward lies in Agent Heaven, where the skadgers and the dinosharks roam free and fountains of Polish Vodka spring from the earth. There you can be content in knowing that Agent Wary, Agent Concerned, and so very many Authors have been cordoned off into Publishing Purgatory, and maybe even Writing Hell. :)

[Dorte H]

Oh, you mustn´t scare me so! Soon I´ll have to try to find an agent for the first time in my life and it is not as if I didn´t know it was a daunting affair!!!

[barbara]

[AIR HORN BLAST]

[barbara]

hahahaha- I got a slew of emails about this comment today: NEVER FEAR! R. Lewis is safely ensconced on the client list of yours truly, and is not the gentle reader whom raged about the unfairness of enthusiasm.

[r. lewis]

lolol, omg, really? A slew of emails? Sorry to cause such an inundation! It was the Vodka and cheese omelet I had with my Bloody Mary this morning, I swear! :-)

[Annay Dawson]

All we can really hope for is one day at a time. guess I'll start tomorrow.

[Christina Auret]

I spent the last month bitching and moaning and not being a very nice person. Then I won a prize for exhibiting a positive attitude. Either I suck at bitching and moaning or my boss is displaying a sense of irony. Both options leave me rather worried.