A Simple Quiz For Aspiring Writers

Jeff Cohen

Too much of what a writer does is singular and nebulous (which sounds like a cell phone service provider, but isn't). That is, we work by ourselves, largely, and don't really have any idea if anything we write is good, bad, or just plain regular.

For aspiring writers, the problem is compounded by the fact that you've never done it before. Sure, you can show your work to your spouse (always a bad idea), your mother (good for the ego, lousy for objectivity) or your writing group (each of whom is secretly thinking that their work is better), but that won't necessarily help.

So, how do you know if you have what it takes to be a professional writer?

We at DEAD GUY are here to help. Take the following quiz, answer each question honestly--without checking the correct answers at the end--and we will give you an objective, quantifiable means of knowing if you should pursue your dream or go back to beautician school. Don't bother to thank us; it's all part of the service.

Remember: The correct answer is the one you WILL do, not the one you SHOULD do!

The Professional Writer's Aptitude Quiz

1. On your desktop you have: your editor's notes on your next book, which must be back to the publisher within a week to meet your projected publication date; the barely started manuscript of its sequel, which is due in three months; the half-written manuscript for the novel your agent wants to market as soon as possible; a proposal for a ghostwriting gig whose author is getting antsy; that screenplay you wanted to write when you were 22. The first thing you do is:

• a. Get on the revisions, because you don't want to miss the deadline;
• b. Write 2000 more words in the sequel, which is actual paying work;
• c. Go after the new novel, the ghostwriting job or the screenplay;
• d. Come up with a brilliant marketing ploy for your current book;
• e. Check your Facebook page.

2. The cover art for your upcoming novel is emailed to you, and it has lovely artwork featuring a gorgeous blonde wearing a barely there negligee while making an omelet. This worries you, since your heroine is a man who works in a bicycle shop and wears flannel shirts and jeans, and there are exactly zero eggs in the book. You:

• a. Check your Facebook page;
• b. Make a frantic call to your editor;
• c. Try to write a curvy blonde with a penchant for eggs into Chapter Three;
• d. Drive to the artist's house and throw eggs at it;
• e. Complain to friends on a Yahoo list for authors.

3. You read over your last sentence and realize you don't know the difference between your and you're. You: 

• a. Figure your editor will catch it, and do nothing;
• b. Consult seven dictionaries and Wikipedia;
• c. Ask a fourth-grade English student;
• d. Check your Facebook page;
• e. Decide you have no business working in the English language and take up lapidary.

4. You get a 1-star review from an Amazon reader. You:

• a. Write a public response detailing each and every error the reviewer made;
• b. Go into the bathroom and weep silently into a sofa cushion you bring with you;
• c. Check your Facebook page;
• d. Laugh it off as the work of a petty, envious cretin;
• e. Agree with every criticism, realize you're a terrible writer and apply to dentistry school.

5. You have a can't-miss idea for your next book, one that will rank up there with giving one's main female character a dragon tattoo. Then you discover it's already been done. You: 

• a. Go into the bathroom and weep silently into a sofa cushion you bring with you;
• b. Check your Facebook page;
• c. Write the damn book anyway, because you'll do it better;
• d. Change the dragon tattoo to a lizard tattoo, which is way different;
• e. Call your agent.

6. Your book comes out today! You:

• a. Throw yourself a huge party that costs more than your advance;
• b. Spend the entire day watching your Amazon sales rank;
• c. Check your Facebook page;
• d. Spend the entire day Googling your title;
• e. Have a cupcake and work on something else.

7. You're writing an especially difficult scene. You:

• a. Put on your iPod and blast Procol Harem;
• b. Have an entire box of cupcakes and work on nothing;
• c. Picture yourself as your main character, get scared, and hide under the covers;
• d. Go see what you have stored on TiVo;
• e. Check your Facebook page.

8. You have two book ideas. One will be satisfying artistically and the other will sell easily. You:

• a. Work on the artistic challenge because you have to be true to yourself;
• b. Work on the sure-seller, because you have to be true to your landlord;
• c. Call your agent and ask his/her advice;
• d. Check your Facebook page;
• e. Write something else entirely.

9. You just sent your manuscript to a potential agent. You set your email to check for new messages:

• a. Once a day;
• b. Once an hour;
• c. Once a month;
• d. Once a minute;
• e. Check your Facebook page.

10. Your book lands on the New York Times Extended Bestseller list! You:

• a. Call your spouse to come home from work for a "matinee";
• b. Send out an email blast to everyone in the known universe;
• c. Grouse over the word "Extended";
• d. Play it cool and wait for others to notice;
• e. Make it your Facebook status.

 

Correct answers: 1-e; 2-d; 3-e; 4-b; 5-c; 6-b; 7-a; 8-b; 9-d; 10-c.

Scores:

• 1-2: Lapidary's looking good
• 3-4: Maybe "draw this deer" on a matchbook from 1976 is more up your alley
• 5-6: Write a children's pop-up book and get a really good artist to do the pictures
• 7-8: With a few revisions...
• 9-10: Welcome to low advances and no respect! You've made it!

 

P.S. Today is Labor Day in the U.S.. It's not about backyard cookouts or the "end of summer." It's about celebrating the rights of the American worker, such as the one to organize, and the dignity of American workers who make our part of the world work. Something certain Garden State governors should reflect upon before deciding which public union to "go after" next.

 

Comments

[Shakespeare]

#5 deserves the toilet weeping far more than #3, IMO.

I'm off to be a lapidary!

[JB Stanley]

I eat cupcakes and head to Facebook for all of the above. I even eat cupcakes while I weep. And damn, now you stole my lizard tattoo idea for my next sure-thing novel. Thanks a lot, Jeff.

[Sarah W]

Oh, well. . .

[KK Brees]

I think there's a book waiting to be written in this post. Sort of a self-help guide for all of us!

[Jenn]

That was the funniest thing I've read in weeks. Brilliant, Jeff, just brilliant! I am particularly pleased that you worked cupcakes in there. Now I have to go check facebook, weep into a sofa cushion and eat a cupcake...LOL!

[Sheila Connolly]

Hey, I like "nebulous." It sounds a lot better than prosaic and pedestrian and pedantic and preposterous.

Taxidermy sounds good. Or waste management--we'll never run out of waste.

[Wendy Lyn Watson]

Whoa! 10 out of 10! I can't remember the last time I got a perfect score on anything ... other than a Facebook 80s trivia quiz. :)

[Laura Alden]

Rats. I think I answered "Check your Facebook page" for all ten.

[Brenda]

Jeff,
This was great and I LOVE your P.S.!!!

--Brenda

[Dale Spindel]

Thanks for the shout to NJ public employees!

[Jeff Cohen]

Dale, my wife was an NJ public employee for 25 years. Believe me, I hold them in very high esteem.