A Final Memo From the Desk of Inga VonPeepenskeeven

Now as many of you know I have given my notice and will be moving on in the New Year with both my wits and my restraining order intact. That being said, as one of my last duties, Her Pickledness flung open her door this morning and barked, “I need a thing for the thing, and I better look like a GD lady” then she made me order a cheese platter for 8 and brought it into her office alone and I haven’t seen her since.

After 2 years as her assistant, I am fluent in vodka, so I immediately translated the order to “Pardon me, Inga, I need a fun, approachable photo for my twitter account” and so I sighed and then pulled up this: 


 and prepared to update the account.

Suddenly, a veritable montage from the last two years flooded through me:

“Just stop it. It takes more than that to poison someone.”

“Look, I don’t care that my tab there has ‘reached its limit’; yank your shirt down 2 inches and your skirt up 3, and come back with my bottle.”

“She’s dead, she’s not gonna know that you didn't go to her funeral.”

“Hold my hair.”

And so I decided to choose from a different batch of photos to upload. My own, personal, private batch of photos. I have titled them accordingly, please to enjoy.

Here’s “Shuffle Off to Buffalo…’s Milk”:

 
Here is “It’s 2 a.m., Do You Know Where Your Hat Is?” (As this is most certainly NOT her hat.)

We’ll call this one “My Night In Feathers”:

I give you, “The Last Great Patriot”:

And here we have “#DietFail”:

And finally, in keeping with a holiday spirit: “Satan’s Little Helper”

 
I would be much obliged to have some help in choosing the photo, please vote for your favorite in the comments. Oh, and feel free to include your estimate of BAL at time photo was taken. I mean, LOOK at the one with the eagle. I think one of her pupils is actually blown. 

(I will warn you however, that she is deeply, DEEPLY attached to her blue egg, so it would have to be a photo that wins by a landslide.)

IvP

 

 

Comments

[Sarah W]

"My Night in Feathers."

I think it shows the extent of the subject's dedication to work through the pain of keeping those eyes open.

[Air Horn Appreciation Society]

"My Night in Feathers" indeed!

[Pamela Cayne]

I'm a fan of “Shuffle Off to Buffalo…’s Milk” but to be honest, they all capture that certain je ne sais quoi that is Barbara.

(And was I the only one who had to do a double take on the first photo because it was so...normal?)

[Carrie]

Even there, though, you can see the glint in her eye.

[Carrie]

My personal fav is "It's 2am - Do You Know Where Your Hat Is?" I think the BAL is highest there.

"My Night in Feathers", I believe, depicts a Poelle a good three hours after her liver has chugged into overdrive.

[Sophie Littlefield]

hee hee hee....personal archive, that's all i'm sayin.

[barbara]

Step AWAY from the computer, Littlefield. I have no qualms about posting a few of my own. (Would that not be the most hilarious on line battle ever? As long as Janet never caught wind we could keep it fairly PG)

[barbara]

That is just so not my hat. Also, I really and truly had an allergic reaction to SOMETHING during the night. Could have been a mosquito fart or, like, oxygen. I should live in a bubble.

[barbara]

That glint is called "hubris", Carrie.

[Tracy Kiely]

Night in Feathers. Without a doubt. Some may see this merely as the sad face of a hung-over woman who can not believe that she did eight (or eleven)jello-shots off of that nice bartender's belly, but what the camera is REALLY showing is Barbara in Agent Attack Mode. Normally only witnessed by truculent editors during heated royalty negotiations, here is a never-before-seen public image of Barbara's inner shark. Tell, would YOU bothering haggling about a lousy 5% more if THAT FACE was staring at you from across the table? I think NOT!

[barbara]

That was snapped on Thanksgiving- note the "I just ran a 5K and now can drink my weight in Chopin" glee on my face.

[barbara]

Or you know, the moment before the epi pen.

[barbara]

Or, my one round against Tom Schreck.

[Kim W]

I have one question - where is the one with a shark snout? Otherwise, I have to go with the #DietFail. Doesn't she just look like she doesn't care as she swoops in for a bite?

[barbara]

hahaha OMG! I am telling you! It was a severe allergic reaction! I had to take steroids and everything! Graaaaaanted, it was the morning after a friend's birthday where she woke up at noon the next day and called us still dressed in her party dress and asking what time everyone left, sooooo...there's a little new math involved.

[Tracy Kiely]

Of course it was a "severe allergic reaction" - all super heroes have a secret identity. Shark Woman/Allergy Prone Agent.

Were we supposed to think it a coincidence that you seem to fall prey to these "allergies" from feathers in hotel beds ALWAYS while in town for conferences? Conferences were you meet with editors? Superman hid behind glasses - you behind "allergies"

[barbara]

I think it was Jamie and Sophie and Graham and Tracy that sent me a box of a dozen Magnolia cupcakes on my b-day. I will never speak of how many I ate upon receipt. NEVER! But that photo was neither taken on the first or the last.

[Grass Hopper]

Yet one more delightful blog post to remind us that it will be Moody Blues every Tuesday Afternoon starting in January.

As to the subject at hand (read "at hat"), I lean to "hat of the month" or "eyes of month". There's got to be lots more where those came from and each deserves its turn. And...there will be more zany hats and crazy eyes to come, of that we are sure.

[Amy Lindel]

I vote for "It's 2 am..." because it combines Barbara's stylish elan with the dissolute energy of a Hopper painting.

But I vote that "Feathers" be submitted to Hungover Owls.

[Daisy]

Isn't "severe allergic reaction" what Charlie Sheen's publicist called it?

[Daisy]

"Not my hat" for the profile picture, stills from last week's video for the home page wallpaper.

[barbara]

BWAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHHA.... OMG!You guys are gonna feel so bad when I die from an allergic reaction and you all show up at my funeral with cocktails thinking by "allergic reaction" I mean "key party".

[Tracy Kiely]

"Key party"? Did you start without us?

[barbara]

Hahahahahah! Will you cut it out! What if I died?!?!?

[barbara]

Holly always yells, "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS WEARING SOME SORT OF HAT?" hahha. I had no idea I do that until she pointed it out. Loudly. A lot.