Elly May Clampett? Happy birthday!

 
Jeff Cohen

Born on this date (different years): Olivia Newton-John, T.S. Eliot, Jack LaLanne, George Gershwin, George Raft, Linda Hamilton, Donna Douglas (Elly May Clampett), Johnny Appleseed.

   

 



If I were suddenly (or even gradually) elected Emperor of the Publishing Business (can you be elected emperor?), I would:

1. Eliminate the phrase "literary fiction." What book fiction ISN'T literary?

2. Require that novels without any sense of humor be published with a warning label: "May Cause Depression. Read something funny first."

3. Ensure that all e-books cost less than paper books. At least a little. You're not paying for paper.

4. Pass legislation requiring every book to come with a recording of a theme song composed exclusively for that book. Mine would be written by Adam Schlesinger or A.J. Croce.

5. Insist that no film based on a book ever follow the book precisely. Read the book if you want the book; movies are a different medium.

6. Allow every author the right to publicly rebut with impunity one review of each book s/he has published.

7. Require all self-publishers to pass a literacy exam. Misuse of your/you're would result in the denial of a literary license.

8. Have copies of every book sent to every library. The hell with overcrowding. This is America.

9. Bar school boards or civic bodies from banning any literary work. Yes, even pornography. At the very least, I'd require that anyone who wants to ban a book prove they've read it. 

10. Require publishers to pay all travel expenses for any author wanting to do a publicity tour who can independently book at least three events.

11. Increase salaries to editors, publicists, cover artists and did I mention editors?

12. Send hard sales numbers hourly to authors on every title they've published.

13. Pay educational expenses to authors wishing to get advanced degrees. Right now, I'd be lobbying to get authors' children's educations paid for, too. I can't tell you what two college tuitions are costing me this year. Not without weeping, anyway.

14. Require that Oprah Winfrey endorse at least one book a year that will make most people laugh at least twice.

15. Get dental insurance for authors written into every book contract. I just had a $1700 crown put on a tooth, and it's not even a royal tooth.

16. Insist that book prices never exceed $10. Nobody should have to pay more than $10 to read a book.

17. Require Stephen King to read one book from every author, and then email that author personally with his reaction. If nothing else, it might make Mr. King consider writing a book under 1000 pages.

18. Lobby Congress heavily for legislation that would make it illegal for any town in America not to have an independent bookstore. They can have chain bookstores, too.

19. Insist that if Wal-mart wants to carry books, they carry ALL books. Lord knows they have the room.

20. Require that any celebrity who appears on a talk show pushing the book they "wrote" bring the ghostwriter along to be on camera as well.

21. Prohibit Snooki from ever pretending to have written a book again.

22. Prohibit anyone from continuing a series begun by a deceased author until at least 50 years after the author's death. Yes, Sherlock Holmes; no, Spenser.

23. Have mystery authors moderate Presidential candidates' debates: "So, Senator, how would you murder a rival? Poison? Scorpions? Hacksaw?"

24. Require a "Funniest Book of the Year" award to be given out annually, on television. Not C-SPAN, either. A REAL network.

25. Revoke the absurd "returns" clause in bookseller contracts. What other business lets retailers buy the merchandise, and then send it back for a refund if it doesn't sell?

26. Prohibit book conferences and conventions from charging authors--who are the draw for attendees--to attend. Yeah, I know that would be a financial burden for the convention committees. Consider what it costs authors to go to more than one a year. Free hotel room, too, now that I think of it. I'll pay for my meals.

27. Make the Emperor of Publishing a lifetime position.

Comments

[twitter.com/trow125]

As someone who is on a mystery convention committee, I can tell you that if ALL the authors got in for free, no readers would be able to afford to go. The best way to get in free? Be a Guest of Honor or toastmaster -- not only does the conference cover your registration, but they also shell out for your hotel room and air fare.

I'd like to add 28. Publishers should pay for authors' web sites. In 15 years I have never gotten a dime from a publisher. Like conferences, it's considered a promotional activity that authors themselves have to shell out for.

[Paula Matter]

Happy birthday, Jeff!

And, shouldn't the Emperor of Publishing be a paid position as well as a lifetime one?

[Jeff Cohen]

I understand that, Sue, but this is a fantasy post, so I get to decide anything I want.

And of course, Paula. I felt that was self-evident.

[Mare F]

I will back you in overthrowing the industry. You've nailed it.

[Dan Luft]

Why not go one small step further and have the publishers write the book for you too?

[Anne K. Albert]

I particularly like #2 and #14.

Everyone needs to laugh. Daily. As often as possible.

Btw, enjoy your stint as emperor...my turn tomorrow! ;-)

[jenny milchman]

Well, I am terribly un-funny writer myself, but even at that, I still like these tips. Especially the college tuition one--you know, for whomever. I think my cat wants to go to college.

And hey...to tie it all together...I went to school with Adam Schlesinger! Want me to put in a good word? I'm sure he'll remember me...

[Jeff Cohen]

Tell Adam I worked with his mom, and played softball with him at company functions a couple of times. I'm SURE he'll remember that!

[Theresa de Valence]

Ha! Cool post, Señor Emporer.

-Theresa

[Peg Herring]

I like them all. Maybe you chould add a book-publishing ceiling for guys like Patterson so other authors get their chance!

[Jeff Cohen]

Nah, Peg--as long as Patterson publishes, other authors ARE getting their chance!

[Pat Brown]

I'd vote for you Jeff. Especially that ridiculous return clause. Not only do the bookstores get to return books after a very short period of time, but the publisher has to pay for the shipping, too. So what if it's only covers, it's still something that no other retail business would do. It's obscene and punishes author who have that taken out of the royalties taken out against returns.

Can you seriously imagine Holt Renfrew would let you buy a dozen new designs from them and if they don't sell in 6 weeks, you send them back at Renfrew's expense, then take the money out of the designer's pocket? They'd laugh at you if you suggested such a hare brain idea.

[Nancy]

As a reader of mystery novels I heartily agree with #1. Number 2 appeals to me above all other points. Humor, love it in a book! Life is too depressing without it. Thanks for the article.

[Gigi]

Number 2 is my favorite point. I guess that's why I enjoy your books :)

[twitter.com/trow125]

I just realized you didn't list one of my favorite musicians of all time, also born today: Bryan Ferry, who turns 66.

[Brenda]

I agree with most of these! You are too, too funny!

A not so funny thing --
I would not get the current crop of presidential candidates started on murder methods they might use as one of them already has killed over 250 people, at least one verifiably innocent. In the Willingham case, I recall that the foremost fire expert in the world said that they should reopen the case as the cause of the deaths was a freak accident, not murder. And Perry, the now presidential candidate, if memory serves, was tampering with the commission investigating the investigation. Several times.

Jenny, I love the idea of your and other writers' cats going to college!!!

Love that remark about

[Kaye George]

If you can vote for Emperors, you have my vote. I'd include misuse of they're/their/there to #7.

[janetmccord]

Hooray! And Hail! These are wonderful suggestions and I would support them all if asked (ok, if you can be Emperor I can imagine my own self-importance, ok?). I especially love #3 since I've gotten my Kindle. Also, as a funny sidelight to #1 I recently saw a TV channel here in the UK advertising themselves as the "No. 1 Terrestrial Channel". Hmm...as opposed to?? And how do I subscribe to the extra-terrestrial channel?