Herding Cats

Jeff Cohen

It's that week again.

Every year, my family--that is, myself, my wife, and our children, who are now young adults--look forward to Christmas. This is because it's a day we set aside (you should pardon the expression) religiously for two things: Chinese food and a movie.

We're Jews. It's the law.

And as the children got older, there were two evolutionary effects to this tradition: First, we could stop going to the current "family" film, which quite often was charming and just as often excruciating for the parents attending. Second, each year it gets a little more difficult to find a film everyone will agree to see.

No, I'm not asking for suggestions. We do know what films are available and no, we're not just going to stay home and watch a video. We're Jews. It's the law.

This year is no exception. Negotiations similar to those which averted the fictional government shutdown have been going on since roughly August. December 25 is, as of this posting, six days away, and no agreement has been reached yet. Keep in mind that a single "nay" vote, unless the voter is swayed to changing it, can eliminate a film from consideration.

Here are the choices, and the dramatis personae involved:

1. Me. 

2. My wife.

3. Our son.

4. Our daughter.

Films:

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. No. I never drank the Kool Aid on this series, saw the first Swedish film made from it, thought it was an okay, fairly standard thriller, and am not the least bit interested in seeing this one. Do me a favor and don't comment about how "yummy" Daniel Craig is, or I'll have to banish you from the blog.

Voting against: 

War Horse. I'm a Spielberg fan, so I'll follow him almost anywhere, but the ladies in the family are concerned that the horse of the title--not the people, mind you, who cares what happens to them--might be mistreated in the story. 

Voting against: 

Tin Tin. Again, Spielberg. Action, adventure, in an Indiana Jones kind of mood. Sign me up. But there's a holdout against motion capture animation who thinks it looks "stupid." Move on.

Voting against: 

Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows. Saw the first one a couple of Christmases ago and thought it was an okay action movie, more "James Bond Wakes Up in 1886" than Sherlock Holmes. No problem with waiting for Netflix on this one. Feel like we've done it already.

Voting against: 

The Artist. A black-and-white, almost entirely silent, drama about the beginning of the sound era in film. Gotten great reviews. Sure Oscar contender. Might even be interesting to watch.

Voting against:   and the film's distributor, which has not made it available in the state of New Jersey. Apparently we here in the provinces are too stupid to understand it until next year.

The Iron Lady. I'm not going to see a movie about Margaret Thatcher or J. Edgar Hoover. I don't care how good the performances are. I'd be squirming in my seat for two hours. No.

Voting against: 

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: A 9/11 movie in which Tom Hanks, although his name is above the title, plays someone who doesn't make it out of the towers. How much do you think Tom is in the movie? I'm sure it's very uplifting. Pass.

Voting against: 

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: An adaptation of a John LeCarre novel that Alec Guinness already did really well on television decades ago. Great reviews, impressive cast, possibly not the most uplifting ever made, few laughs. Also might not be available in the Garden State.

Voting against: 

We Bought a Zoo: Good for you. Cameron Crowe. Treacly family "fun" about a widower who's so distraught he unwittingly buys--yup--a zoo. Luckily, Scarlett Johansson lives next door.

Voting against: 

My Week With Marilyn: Never been a huge fan of Marilyn Monroe. Don't really care what it was like to spend a week with her. Think the guy who wrote the book is trying to cash in on 15 minutes (or 7 days) of fame.

Voting against: 

Mission Impossible--Ghost Protocol: If I don't even understand the title, what chance do I have with the movie? Didn't care much for the first three. Am indifferent toward Tom Cruise. I like movies that have characters. Call me crazy.

Voting against: 

Young Adult: I don't like Diablo Cody.

Voting against: 

New Year's Eve: Don't be ridiculous.

Voting against: 

Already seen (by at least one family member): Hugo, The Descendants

The Chinese food is the easy part.

Comments

[twitter.com/trow125]

I'm not Jewish, but since my husband & I are living thousands of miles away from our families, we don't celebrate a "traditional" Christmas. We used to do the movie/Chinese food thing, but we've noticed that the movie theaters are getting more & more crowded on Xmas, and it ain't just Jews. The last straw came a few years ago when we tried going to an early Xmas matinee showing of "Frost/Nixon" and it was sold out. This year, I jokingly suggested that we go to see the early matinee of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," because who else would want to go see a grim Nordic crime drama on Christmas Day? But it wouldn't surprise me if it was packed. Anyway, I can't wait to hear what you & the family wind up seeing. You couldn't drag me to "We Bought A Zoo" or "Tin Tin" (too uncanny valley!), but I do want to catch "The Artist" and "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy."

[Maridunham]

So does that mean if I say Craig is 'nummy', I'm safe? ;)

No seriously, I remember last year's decision being between Gulliver's Travels and True Grit. I told my mate we should consider retiring the movie tradition. True Grit won out.

[Patty Andersen]

Not a thing there that I *have* to see. Will go see Sherlock Holmes in our second run theatre, they have the 50' screen and that makes it much more fun.

[Joan Oliver Emmer]

The fun part about kids growing up is that you can do a "split" and see different films within the same mega-theater! Or at least that's what MY rabbi says.

[Jeff Cohen]

We went to see TRUE GRIT last year, too! And it made such an impression that only one of us remembered yesterday what movie we'd gone to see last year.

And Joan: Yes, but that would defeat the whole "family tradition" rubric, see...

[Mare F]

LOL. Best of luck with this issue. You might trying hanging a picture with 4 women while you're at it.

[NoraAdrienne]

I totally understand that comment "Were Jewish". Here in Brooklyn, many Chinese restaurants have been known to close in honor of Yom Kippor. Especially since the bulk of their customers are supposedly fasting. LOL

Thanks for the quick critique of all the movies. We don't go out to movies that often. We will be seeing the new Steampunk Sherlock film, and I'll probably go to see Tin Tin with a friend, since my partner never read the book when she was growing up.

Whatever you end up seeing I hope you all enjoy it, and the chance to spend a day together as a family.

[Sue Ann Jaffarian]

OMG! Jeff, this post is priceless. I'm not Jewish and I'm thinking Christmas Day and War Horse would be a nice treat.

[Elizabeth]

I haven't been to New Jersey in quite a while, but don't you have multiplex theaters there? Send daughter with suitable chaperone (appropriately bribed) to We Bought a Zoo, and everybody else goes to see Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. If you want family time, you can eat at the same table during dinner.

[NYCed]

No Chinese food, but Christmas night movie-going has been a long-standing tradition in my Catholic family. For sheer entertainment value, I think Sherlock Holmes II or The Muppets might be our winner this year.

[Ellie Costa]

My husband is jewish and
portugeese (sp) I'm not.
But War horse is the movie
we will see if we decide to
go out.
It looks like it will be a
good one and as adults we
KNOW the horse is NOT going
to be hurt. For food, I am
sick of the traditional things
so I think I'll make Chili and
cornbread with a salad. But
whatever all of you do I hope
the Holidays will be fun and
the New Year a prosperous one
for all. P.S. Oh yeah and E. J.
Copperman I love your books.

[Jeff Cohen]

Then you'll be getting a late holiday gift in February, Ellie. Thanks!

[Lynne Patrick]

Um, you didn't mention The Lady. Isn't it out in the US yet?
We'll be doing it more traditionally at our house (we're not Jewish, so it's allowed), and thoughts will be spared for and glasses raised to friends across fthe sea. Enjoy, wherever you finish up!

[Dale Spindel]

Very funny - maybe I'll run into you all at the movies although we do deli rather than chinese food.

[Dale Spindel]

Also, I guess I'm not the only person who didn't care for Juno.