A Modest Proposal to Save Rutgers

by Dale Spindel 

            Rutgers University has taken a lot of heat recently because of the vast sums of money it has spent on its less than stellar football team, a situation further exacerbated by Coach Schiano’s recent defection to the greener pastures of the NFL.   As if this were not enough, Rutgers is also in danger of having its lower extremity cannibalized by Rowan University, a state school in South Jersey seeking to upgrade its status by swallowing  Rutgers’ entire Camden campus.

             Although I spent some time on the banks of the Raritan in the 1970s  picking up a couple of masters degrees, I must also divulge the fact that  my undergraduate years were spent at an out of state  university that did not - and still doesn’t - have a varsity football team.  Even so, I feel an obligation to help Rutgers come up with a plan for finding a way out of its current predicaments.

             So consider the following:  the common ground that exists between spectator sports and books, theater, movies and television is that they all serve the purpose of providing entertainment, a commodity for which people have proven their willingness to spend money.   Also, I do not believe it is a coincidence that both athletes and writers (at least sometimes) can be said to work in teams.  Based on these two very simple facts, the solution to Rutgers’ problems becomes obvious:  treat writing as if it were a Division I varsity sport and treat football as if it were part of the liberal arts.

 Here are just a few of the ways that Rutgers will benefit:

1.    The 2.3 million dollar salary paid to Coach Schiano can be used to bring to the English department distinguished writers with a demonstrated commitment to teaching undergraduates.

2.    The large pool of scholarship dollars previously designated for football players can also be redirected to the English department, resulting in an influx of students with perfect scores on the SAT writing test.

3.    The Camden campus, having been converted into a massive state of the art performing arts complex, will develop an international reputation as the premier location for attending cutting edge live theater, film festivals, and literary events, garnering millions upon millions of dollars in revenue for the benefit of the entire university.  The creative rights to the works penned by Rutgers students will be managed through legal agreements that are strikingly similar to those signed by student athletes.

4.    The psychological health of the entire university will improve as students stop paying attention to football and therefore stop caring about whether or not their team wins.

5.    Residents of New Jersey will be so busy reading, watching television and otherwise being entertained that they will no longer complain about how much they pay in taxes to support the state university.

 My proposed changes will also accrue the following benefits to students:

 1.   Unlike Rutgers’ previous decision to eliminate such non revenue producing  varsity sports as fencing, crew and men’s swimming, the money that will be generated by students who are learning to write for television and  film will  be used to  subsidize the programs that support student novelists, essayists, poets   and memoirists.

2.    Students wishing to turn “pro” will have a venue in which they can be scouted by publishers and producers.

3.    Events staged by female students will be equally as well financed and attended as those staged by males.

4.    As in football, students will be encouraged by their professors to specialize in those areas where they perform best, forming “special teams” that focus either on character development, plotting, dialog, or irony.

5.    All English majors will be given varsity jackets.  Additionally, it will be mandatory for writing students to satisfy their freshman physical education requirement through participation in intramural sports in which varsity athletes also participate - choices will include football, basketball, baseball or cheerleading – as it is only fair that English majors experience the same degree of terror in P.E. class that the less academically inclined varsity athletes experience in the classroom.  At the very least, this will serve as material for several zany television series, a few heartfelt memoirs and maybe a poem or two.

             For all the money it has funneled toward football in recent years, no one who has played for Rutgers since Paul Robeson has ever become a household name, the irony being of course that Robeson is remembered today because of his contributions to the arts and the civil rights movement, not because he was an All-American.

             I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of New Jersey.  I have no children from which I can propose to get a single penny; neither my son nor daughter went to Rutgers and both were business majors.        

Comments

[Jeff Cohen]

Rutgers has no filmmaking program. It teaches screenwriting, in one course that is not part of a major. My son got into Rutgers and would have been happy to go there if he could have studied what he wanted to study. In a large state university, you'd think that would have been possible.

I agree too much money has gone into athletics and not enough in other areas, but what about the students now at Rutgers Camden who would suddenly get degrees from Rowan? Can they sue for bait-and-switch?

As a Rutgers College alum (class of Paleozoic Age), I'm alarmed by the proposed changes. Yeah, let's take the coach's salary and, you know, TEACH stuff!

[Dale Spindel]

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Dont get me started about Rutgers because I will
never stop. My daughter didnt apply there because you cant get
accepted into any of the business programs until your junior year and, based on
you GPA, even if you do get accepted you may not be allowed to major in your
first choice. Accounting is the most selective of the majors because it is
very popular. Why go to a school where you cannot be guaranteed the
opportunity to study what you really want to study? Also,
there should be an opportunity for kids from NJ to study filmmaking (or anything
else)at a state school if that is where their interests
lie.The people in charge dont really care how many NJkids end
up going out of state for their college educations.