My Different Son

Jeff Cohen

With thanks to Susan Werner:

The first doctor told us that Josh, then just about two years old, was and always would be, "eccentric." I responded, not having filtered my words through my brain on their way out, that we were a middle class family and couldn't afford "eccentric." The best we could do was neurotic. He'd have to talk our son down. The guy responded with a look that indicated he'd found the genetic link he'd been seeking.

Later, we were informed that our son had auditory processing difficulties and couldn't figure out what was being said to him. Why that was supposed to have manifested itself in his biting other children was never really made clear.

At various intervals, experts told us that our son had anger issues, that he couldn't control impulses, that he needed behavioral therapy, that the problem was gluten in his diet, that he didn't actually want to have friends and my personal favorite, that we simply didn't know how to "discipline" our child.

When he was finally diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of six, we were beset upon by well-meaning neighbors and friends who would take our hands in their own, look as sympathetic as they could muster, and ask in hushed tones, "How is Josh?" When we'd respond that he was fine and ask how their children were, they would look disappointed or puzzled (or both), and add a more forceful urgency: "No. Really. How is he?" He was still fine.

I have been told that a few--not many--other parents preferred their children not come to our house because my son was "volatile." I have heard that some of the kids he went to school with (again, not a lot of them) would outwardly make fun on him because of self-stimming behaviors like hand-flapping, which he later learned to control. I have had it suggested to me that my son should perhaps not have been in "mainsream" classes, on the premise that being with other children was "holding him back." It was fairly easy to read between the lines on that one.

Well, the day before yesterday, that kid, who had to work harder than most and had to be taught things others pick up naturally, graduated from college with a degree in film and video. He completed his senior project, an ambitious 16-minute postapocalyptic drama called SCAVENGERS, and saw it shown before an audience who applauded it enthusiastically. He is now an alumnus of Drexel University in Philadelphia, a "mainstream" school.

Suck on that, naysayers.

Was it easy? It was not. From nursery school (he got kicked out of three) all the way through his days at Drexel, Josh had to do just a little bit more than most kids because there were things that wouldn't come naturally to him. To direct SCAVENGERS, he had to assemble and work with a crew of students and professionals, he had to see the props were built, costumes made, makeup designed and lighting, um, lighted. Sure, there were talented people responsible for those things, but the director oversees them all. Working in a group isn't always easy for Asperger's kids.  Josh got through it and made his movie.

As with many on the autism spectrum, test taking never really measured Josh's intelligence. He could be having an off day, or overthink the question, or misread a word to think it was something else in his haste, concerned that he'd overshoot the time limit of the test. Sometimes, he'd do remarkably well in a subject on one exam and then do poorly the next time a test was given for no discernible reason. 

But he never got a really bad grade in anything, and he has proudly received a diploma. His parents, his grandmother, his aunt and uncle, his cousin and his little sister, herself a rising junior at a major university, could not be prouder of him.

It hasn't been an easy ride, and there are no easy rides coming up (anybody in the film business looking for help? I know someone with a degree and talent who could use work). But Josh's natural humor, his determination and his Joshness, which can't be precisely described but is as real as the screen you're looking at, got him through it.

Here's to you, Joshua Cohen. Stay eccentric; we wouldn't have you any other way.

P.S. Congratulations to the winners of the audiobook contest: Jennifer Wenger won a copy of Damon Abdallah reading FOR WHOM THE MIVINVAN ROLLS, Sue Farrell won a copy of A FAREWELL TO LEGS and Mildred Whitehair won the audiobook AS DOG IS MY WITNESS. Enjoy the prizes, and thanks to everyone who entered!

Comments

[Robin Minnick]

To Josh, Jeff, and all the Cohens -- Congratulations! The happiness and pride you feel is both well-earned and much deserved. Good wishes for all that follows.

[Annette]

I want to second what Robin said. To Josh and each of the members of the Cohen family...it is wonderful to enjoy success and I am so pleased for you all. Being good at what you do takes hard work, devotion and determination. It is evident that Josh has learned all that from the good example of his parents.

Jeff, thank you for sharing such a terrific story of triumph. And again, Congratulations to Josh!

[Noraadrienne.wordpress.com]

Mazel Tov Jeff to you (for your hard work)and to your Josh on his accomplishments and his graduation. My Josh was also tested out for a problem. They wanted to make him a special ed. student. He had a "processing" problem. What he heard and what he could put on paper did not always match up. The answer with him was for the rabbis to give him his tests orally.

He now has his Masters in Spec. Ed. and a 2nd Masters in Administration. Those specialists don't always know what they are doing and are prepared to just dump kids who are different into the other pot and forget about them. We as parents have to fight and work with our kids to show them how to find a path that works for them.

Your Josh is going to surprise the world in the coming years and make your whole family go HA TAKE THAT! at the world.

[Patty Andersen]

Great post -- I knew from other things you've written over the years that you had a lot of challenges in helping Josh overcome his challenges but had no idea just how often you had to fight for his rights.

Congratulations to Josh and to you and your family, graduation had to be a pretty sweet experience.

[jenny milchman]

So glad Josh didn't stop at eccentric OR neurotic and went all the way to whom he was really supposed to be. Congrats to the Cohen family. Can't wait to see Josh's first film.

[Kathryn Cheng]

Congratulations to Josh and his
entire family! This story gave
my spirits a lift.
I'm very happy for you.

[Patti Abbott]

Josh was so lucky to have been born to parents who didn't listen to all the bad advice that came their way. Congratulations to him.
My brother graduated from Drexel University forty years ago and went on to a nice career as a Patent Judge in D.C. He had many of the same issues as Josh, I think. Speech problems, hearing issues, trouble getting along, very significant shyness, a need for each day to be much the same as the last. They didn't pin a name on it then and that was probably better in some ways and worse in others.
But being an engineer and then an attorney was a good fit.

[Toni LoTempio]

This is the kind of story we should hear more about!

[Carrie]

Huzzah! Congrats to you and to Josh! It's nice to get some good news.

And I'll tell you what, you really nailed it with the whole, "How is he?" Disappointment, followed by, "No. Really. How is he?" It is a phenomenon that applies to a thousand and one life situations, and one I got to experience this year. (Albeit in a different context.)

You pretty quickly figure out who wants to see you and yours succeed, and who are the rubberneckers.

Very glad Josh has scored this victory.

[PJ Nunn]

I am just so proud for all of you. I'm stunned that it's gone by so fast (not that it always seemed that way to you, I'm sure) and that he's grown, and Eve too. How does that happen and you and I are not old? Anyway, thanks much for sharing and give him my love.

And to all of you here at Dead Guy - I sure miss ya!

PJ

[Pamela James]

Congradulations to all of you and especially to Joshua for all hsi hard work.

[Marilyn Thiele]

Jeff, your son is an outstanding example of what can happen when we focus on the unique positive characteristics of a person and nurture those traits. Of course you are proud of him, but be proud of yourselves as parents also. You all deserve to bask in the joy of this achievement, and I hope it is the first of many for Josh.

[Kevin]

Very cool. We are a little behind you on the same road.....

[Alice Duncan]

Congratulations, Josh! And the rest of the Cohen family, too. What a great triumph for all of you.

[Elaine Charton]

Congratulation Josh! and congrats to the rest of the Cohen family as well. It is an amazing feat!
years ago, a doctor told my in laws that their son was autistic and should be put in an institution. all because he had stopped talking.
My father in law said no, he took his son places and pointed out things to him. Telling him what it was and waiting for him to repeat it back to him. He was finally rewarded. His son went on to get a Bachelors Degree in Political Science and not one but 2 Masters degrees, one in Asian Studies. He also learned to speak Chinese.Lived for three months in Taiwan and eventually moved to Boston where we met and married.
Like you, he refused to give up on his son. You and he, in my mind, are true heroes for telling the Naysayers to Suck on that!
Congratulations once again to Josh and to his family. You all rock!

[Deb]

Congratulations to your son and to your family. My oldest daughter also has Asperger's and we've experienced many of the same situations you have. Her academic achievements have always been high--social interactions, not so much. She just finished her first year of college and made the Dean's List. Our daughter will never be a social butterfly (neither are her parents for that matter), but she can tell you absolutely everything about James Bond movies or Margaret Thatcher (two of several subjects she has researched obsessively).

I think the best thing you can do for your children is to cultivate the best environment for their needs. As a friend who also has a "different" child once said, "You can't make a tulip grow up to be a rose, but you can make it the best tulip it can possibly be."

[bobbi chukran]

Suck on that, indeed! LOL! What a wonderful story, Jeff. I have no doubt that Joshua will go on to do amazing things with his film making. IMHO, the best film makers see the world in a different way. Our best to him! Happy trails, bobbi c.

[Donald A. Coffin]

Jeff & Josh--

How terminally wonderful and cool. Having known a few kids (of friends) in film school, I know vicariously how rewarding it is to complete that project with a feeling of accomplishment. Is a DVD version available?

Don Coffin

[Jody]

Congratulations to Josh and his family.

[Tina Shelton]

Long live Joshua Cohen and to his outstanding family!!!

[Jeff Cohen]

Thanks for saying so, Don (and thanks to EVERYBODY for the lovely comments). As for a DVD version of SCAVENGERS--for many reasons, including legal ones, there will not be ones available for purchase. Those who contributed funds to the production (after a certain level, which frankly I don't remember) will get DVDs as soon as they are duplicated--the process is now just beginning. I think they'll be pleased with their investment.

[Lynne Patrick]

Last time I saw so many comments on a post, someone had posted something sardonic and a tad controversial and a lot of people had misunderstood!
This is just - great. A happy ending, or possibly beginning, for you all. Makes you want to punch the air and shout YAY, doesn't it? Hugs to you all.

[Dale Spindel]

I too would like to add my congratulations!