Five Reasons I Hate Your Protagonist

BENJAMIN LEROY

Ok, before we freak out at each other in a yelling match, I’m using the word “Your” in this case to sound inflammatory. It’s a crass attempt at causing controversy, reinforcing the whole “publishing gatekeepers are jerks” meme, and probably a little bit lazy of me. But really, you, whoever you are, you have created a stunning protagonist that does not fit any of these categories. Or, maybe a little bit of one, but certainly not enough for us to get all worked up into a fight.

 

(1)     Too Perfect Syndrome—you ever read about the dude who was a black belt in like six different martial arts, was a professional sniper, could crack a joke, bed a starlet, probably shoot scratch golf, and made restaurant quality waffles? That dude bores the living hell out of me. If your protagonist seems conveniently shiny and skilled, I don’t like him. I don’t believe him. It’s much easier for me to feel empathetic with flawed characters like me.

 

(2)     Anybody could jump that hurdle!—I recently read a submission that was well written, had me turning the pages at a good clip, excited to see just how bad things could get for our heroine. How hard would she fall before rising triumphantly to overcome the challenge? Well, as it turned out, it was like she mis-stepped off the curb, lost her balance, did that thing where you pretend to jog a few steps because you don’t want to look like a jackass, and then finished her walk to the finish line pretty much unscathed. I need to know your protagonist has been tested for me to cheer her on.

 

(3)     Frat Boy Wins Again—though this may sound similar to #1, it’s actually different. We see that Chaz Dollarstacks, the Ferrari driving, handsome son of business tycoon Wellington Dollarstacks is living up the night life. Maybe a little coke. Maybe a run in with a black hatted frat boy (likely turned backwards) on the golf course. At stake? A five million dollar antique lifted from somebody’s personal art collection. Fuck all of these dudes. I hope an Atomic RazorBomb makes the scene and they’re all cut off the map. This differs from #1, because we see that Chaz is flawed—he isn’t perfect—but because I don’t fetishize hanging out in VIP until 4 a.m. or playing polo in the Hamptons, I don’t really give a shit about the guy. Your mileage (and audience) may vary.

 

(4)     “Oh, this guy?”—Sometimes when a tv show or movie is really popular, you can watch a wave of what essentially amounts to fan fiction come in over the transom a few months later. Back when The Shield  was a weekly thing we got a submission at Bleak House about a rogue cop named something like Nick Slackey (that’s not it exactly, but it was something just as close) who didn’t play by the rules but always got his man (even if during the process he created more problems for himself). I want to believe that your protagonist is a singular character of your invention and not some irregular pulled from the assembly line. I only read about 20 pages of the Nick Slackey book, but I’m pretty sure if I would have finished it, there would have been a love letter to Shawn Ryan at the end that said, “Bro, whaddya think? You wanna adapt this for season six?”

 

(5)     Plywood and 2x4 Man—As I’ve already talked about way too many times on this blog, I like to travel. I love to meet new people in new places all over the country. I’m especially excited to hear new turns of phrases, new dialects, twisted pronunciations, and things like that. I grin like an absolute idiot when I hear particularly good ones. Language is so alive and vibrant. How you say things is sometimes just as important as what you are saying. So when your character sounds like my iPhone reading something back to me in ways that are grammatically correct but are absolutely without spark and are totally unrealistic as far as actual conversations go, I’m tuning out. Without spark, there is no fire. Without fire, I’m cold. When I’m cold I stop reading and look for shelter.

Am I missing any? Am I unfairly including some? Have you ever been guilty of any of these? Have you ever been guilty of anything?

Comments

[MontiLee]

What about the "Forest For The Trees", aka "Missing The Painfully Obvious"? This is a protagonist designed to make the reader root for him or her by being slightly soft in the brain meats. I like a character slightly ahead of the curve,who learns things before I do. I don't want to figure something out in Chapter 2 and then slog through 12 more chapters before the bulb over the character's head slowly brightens.

[Benjamin LeRoy]

Anybody who uses the phrase "brain meats" is good by me. If "Forest for the Trees" guy irritates you, he irritates me, too. The situation you describe makes me really antsy when I'm reading and not in a good way. It's not the "Oh, God! What's going to happen!" it's the "Oh, God! Did I file my taxes? Is it going to rain later? At some point I'll need to get dinner" scatterbrained antsy. But, to be super honest, I've likely thrown that book across the room by the end of chapter 3.

[Jen Forbus]

While it isn't usually the protagonist - but sometimes is, I hate, hate, hate the damsel in distress...the one who needs a man to do everything for her and will break down and cry or worse yet "sob" at the drop of a hat. The protag usually comes in when they reinforce this behavior and find it sexy or appealing. They refer to these women as "honey" or "sweetheart" or something equally demeaning. Yuck! Double Yuck! That book was just thrown across the room! Last year I read two supposed "best sellers" who wrote those characters, so obviously someone likes them...just isn't me!

[Kelly Johnson]

I would add "Unable to Make a Decision," to your list. Sure, events sometimes conspire to force a person into action, but characters who just have things happen to them for the whole story drive me a little bizonkers. I'd much prefer to see a character make a clear choice that leaves me thinking, "What fresh hell is this? Are you completely out of your mind?" than one who inspires a "What are you going to do? Ah, nothing until someone forces you? Of course," feeling.

[Chris Scena]

How about (to borrow from Janet Reid), "TSTL" (Too Stupid To Live). The most glaring example that pops to mind is Bella from Twilight (please don't judge me, I had to know if the writing was really as bad as I was told and I write Urban Fantasy). If she were real, she'd be dead. If your character would earn a Darwin Award, I don't want to read about them.

[Steven J. Wangness]

Well, I'm glad to see my protagonist doesn't fit any of these categories.

I'm not crazy about the hyper-talented CIA-trained super warrior myself, though I did sort of like those Jason Bourne movies with Matt Damon.

[sarahhawthorne]

@ steven j. wangness

Yeah, but the thing about Bourne is that his skill and training were also his weakness. He was so programmed that he snapped, lost his memory, and had to find his way back to himself.

Same thing with Iron Man. Tony Stark is rich and brilliant - but those same qualities make him a target for kidnapping and assassination. And when he escapes, he has to re-evaluate his entire life's work and put his company on the line to do what's right.

It's the double-edged-sword principle. Any gift you give your character has to have an equally negative, destructive influence on their life as well.

[Carrie]

Recently, I wrote a pretty passive protagonist who spends way too much time in his own head, and not nearly enough time out doing things. When he's doing things, the book works, but too much of the action is driven by supporting characters. That blew, when I discovered that. Major rewrite in the works.

[Stoich91]

Awesome! I'd love to see a Five Reasons list for Villains, too. I don't mind if your protag. is a dofus up to a point, but if your villains are messed up, you really don't even have a story. What about, Wet Noodle Villain (I SHOULD destroy you, but I shouldn't, but I MIGHT...but today is my off day, soooo). Or Idiot Villain (Hi, I am your mortal enemy and I also cannot tell my left shoe from my right).

In more complex terms, I believe it was CS Lewis who wrote that all Villains must have a VIRTUE, as well. Villains who are hopelessly bad may work good in cheap thrill stories, but for more well-rounded villains who we actually believe/care about, I like mine with a dash of ever-present yet hopeless complexity.

Thanks again!

[Michael Seese]

Yes, I often have the problem that my characters are like me: perfect in every way. (#1) Totally kidding! But seriously, I do believe the first is one of the biggest challenges for authors. We WANT readers to like our protagonist, so we make him likeable...too likeable.

My wife loved the show "Will & Grace." I never was a huge fan. But I found it amazing that a successful show could be built around four so completely self-centered, self-absorbed leads.

[Elias McClellan]

Last year, I read an article about ThrillerFest and how every third writer pimped a Jack Reacher knock off. Of course this, "How great Lee Child is b/c everybody wants to be just like him when the grow up" was the lead-in to the author profile/interview. Honestly, he might be the greatest writer since Alan Marsh but I'll never know it. I don't like protags who crap marble. Also, I think I saw this protag before, he was called Kwai Chang Caine.

I'm schlepping to NYC for ThrillerFest 2012 and I pray to Oprah the agents there share your view, Mr. LeRoy.

@Jen, I can't believe we're still seeing this damsel bit 400 years after Cervantes. Another trope I can't stand is the "I'll right a tough, highly capable man and change the name to Kate Upton," girly. Guess it's easier than actually writing a credible woman of strength, vulnerability and intelligence.

[Carrie]

I'd be interested in a post about villains. My current wip is written in first person, and there's not a lot she knows about the villain. To refer to Stoich91's point, my villain doesn't have much (if anything) in the way of visible virtues, because I'm limited by my protagonist's perspective.

A rumination on what's required to make a villain work would be appreciated - by me, anyway. :)

[Benjamin LeRoy]

As requested, I'm working on a piece about villains. It should appear on this very blog tomorrow morning. Let's discuss Bad Guys~!