Top Five Things Not to Put in your Query because Kristin Asked

BENJAMIN LEROY

As some of you may know, I infrequently (and quite poorly) do a Google+ hangout where, ostensibly, I’m supposed to talk about publishing, but usually the conversations devolve into discussions about all kinds of current events, bizarre fringe cultures, Choose Your Own Adventure readalongs, and God knows what else. The first guest I ever had on the show was @_TheRussian and she had a question for today’s blog post. She wanted a “humorous list of things not to put in your query.” Cool, it’s the Thursday night before a long weekend, but I think I can handle that question. So let me go ahead and handle it.

(1) Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t tell me your book is a “guaranteed bestseller” because nobody knows that kind of thing and if you’re delusional about that, you’re going to be delusional about a bunch of things and I’m too old to deal with that.

(2) Don’t query an agent/publisher for a project that isn’t right for his/her list. There is an abundance of information on what people are looking for on websites, from other authors, even from the acknowledgement page of your favorite book. Your job is to figure out a good fit when you see it, and query those people.

(3) Don’t try to get yourself over at the expense of others. Don’t tell me that Dan Brown’s new book is terrible and your book is 100 times better. You might be right on both particulars, but I won’t ever know because I’m going to read your query and think you’re a bitter and miserable Angst Cauldron, and I’ve been removing all of those people from my life since a Poetry 101 class I took back in college with a girl who never quit wearing a Smiths t-shirt because she thought she was going to marry Morrissey, and I’ll never read your book.

(4) Don’t try to put on the “I’m a professional writer type and I write like a robot with no sense of personality because I’m afraid of being myself” act. I want to know I’m dealing with a real human being and not some robot wearing a Smiths t-shirt writing poems about having tea with soccer hooligans. Nobody likes a robot. Not emotionally. And if they do, then I won’t read their queries either, because robots are NOT EVEN LIVING CREATURES AND DO NOT DESERVE YOUR EMOTIONS.

(5) Make sure you address it to the right person and that you don’t just accidentally leave the name/address of the person you just queried. Because that is embarrassing.

(6) Don’t send “presents” or “food” in an attempt to stand out. Some dude sent me a raccoon skull once. The thing is, I opened it right when I was sitting down to eat my lunch. I mean, sure, I kept it and mounted it on my computer, but I don’t think I ever looked at the guy’s book. It didn’t help the cause.

(7) Don’t list credits that—while impressive to you and your refrigerator—don’t mean anything to the outside world. I see people sometimes try to add something in at the bottom (“I was previously published in my high school annual, the Middlestone Marxist Quarterly”). It’s ok to not have a track record instead of sounding like you’re desperately grabbing at straws.

Also, “Desperately Grabbing at Straws” sounds like an unrecorded Smiths’ song.

There you go. There’s a list. I legit LOL’d at my own sense of humor. I wrote the whole list in less than ten minutes. If you were expecting more, I guess you’re a little sad right now. Somewhere there’s a girl in the Milwaukee suburbs who used to listen to the Smiths and dream in poetry, but now she probably works for a real estate company and shops at Wal-Mart.

Shoplifters of the World Unite!

Comments

[Jessy Randall]

Angst Cauldron is my favorite band. I have all their concert t-shirts.

[Benjamin LeRoy]

I've got a bootleg VHS from their show in Des Moines from 1989. It's the one where lead singer, Mopes Callahan, goes on the epic (but quiet) rant against the Reagan administration's policies toward the Swedish club drug market with the whole "Just say Nein!" thing.

[Janet Reid]

Honest to garamond, I didn't think anyone could do a fresh take on "what not to do in a query" but you, sir, have done so indeed.

Of course Angst Cauldron is the hero of my new emo romance novel but you're surely listed in the acknowledgements for that one.

[Benjamin LeRoy]

I actually thought of you when I came up with Angst Cauldron because it reminded me of an earlier post when I came up with "Waxahachie Ax Hacker." Apparently when I come up with crazy names from the central casting Rolodex, I think of my friend Janet Reid.

[Carrie]

Well this makes me happy. Which I doubly appreciate, as I've been drinking a lot of rage-ohol the last twenty-four hours. Last night, a friend informed me that my life is inherently less meaningful than the lives of my friends who have kids. Also, their lives are inherently more "directional" and - wait for it - "worthy." You know what's more fun than a bunch of self-important academics? A bunch of self-important academics with kids!

Perhaps it's time to move back to LA, join my true people in pursuit of worthless vainglory.

And this has nothing to do with what you posted. Except that I needed the laugh. So thank you. I hope you don't mind if I steal angst cauldron bit. I'll credit you if I use it on stage.

[Sandra Cormier]

I... I am guilty of number five. Don't tell anyone, 'kay?

[Nathan Singer]

Waitaminute . . . did the girl ever marry Morrissey? Did anybody?

[Evangeline]

Actually, “Desperately Grabbing at Straws” is a Gene out-take from the tail end of their James phase.