Hi.
I'm a good--no, make that GREAT--new writer. In fact, it's a wonder you haven't heard of me yet. I graduated with a degree in Creative Writing from a prestigious university in 2005 and since then have been working on a novel that will undoubtedly be the Next Big Thing in publishing.
One editor who read my book said it was "refreshing and engaging," while a bestselling author called it "remarkable." Clearly, this is something you'll want to read.
I have many published credits online and can easily help promote my work after it's published. What I need is someone like yourself who can represent it well and introduce it to the public. I'm sure after you read the attached manuscript, you'll agree.
I'll be calling in a few days to discuss marketing plans and auction strategies. In the meantime, I am certain you'll enjoy the book. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
A Future National Book Award Winner
Okay, that's precisely how NOT to write a cover--or more accurately, a pitch--letter. Writers with aspirations toward being published need to learn how to market themselves accurately and effectively, and believe me, this ain't it.
Let's examine the mistakes, shall we?
First and foremost: An agent who has never met you nor heard of you doesn't care who you are. (I'll leave space here for Josh to tell me where I've completely gone off the rails). Agents (ore more likely, agents' assistants) who read the email you send initially are concerned with one thing: Do you have a story that will interest editors and make them want to buy your book? The agent only makes money when s/he sells your work, so the priority will always be to find a book that is sellable.
Keep this in mind: a pitch letter is nothing more than a sales tool. You're not the product; your book is. Sell that.
So. The majority of your letter should be about... your story, not about you. Nobody cares which college you went to, what your grade point average was, what kind of car you drive or what you do at your day job. You are secondary--your story is primary. So lead with your story. Leave yourself out until the end.
Second: You shouldn't give an agent, or an editor, or a producer, or anyone to whom you're pitching a story a reason to turn you down, because many are looking for one. But that doesn't mean you should come across as a huge literary superstar slumming your way into the agent's office. Confidence is a good quality to have. Arrogance is a pain in the ass.
Third: Blurbs are for after the book is published, if it's published. The first question an agent reading this letter will ask is, "If that editor liked the book so much, why didn't they buy it?"
Fourth: Don't become a pest. Asking over and over again when someone is going to read your masterpiece is just going to annoy people. Most agency web sites will be very specific about how to submit, and they will also give you some estimate (accurate or not) as to how long you should expect to wait for a response. Wait that long, and then two weeks. Then maybe a little longer. And THEN you can call and (politely!) ask if the book has reached the right hands.
Fifth: Don't assume in your letter that of course the agent will want to represent your work. Phrases like "after it's published" and "someone like you who can represent it" are overreaching and presumptuous. Don't use them.
And Finally: You never mentioned your story in that letter. Um... oops!
Next week: How you SHOULD write a cover letter.
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