Dear Email Scammers:
I've been receiving your product, unwillingly, for some time now, and I feel you could be doing better. Quite frankly, one would have to be a baby giraffe of below-average intelligence (for baby giraffes) to fall for the nonsense you have been sending me (mostly through gmail, which tells me something, although I don't know what).
So I'd like to point out a few of your marketing errors, if that's okay with you. If not, you may unsubscribe to my criticism by clicking here.
* I speak English. You clearly don't. Why do you think I would click through to a site when I have no idea what you're pretending to offer? About seventy percent of it is in a language I don't speak.
* As an atheist, the subject line "Yours in Christ, Dear" doesn't really hold a lot of appeal for me.
* It just isn't possible for me to win the British Lottery four times a week. (Is there a British Lottery?)
* I don't know anyone named "Mrs. Reverent Simon."
* I really don't need to know "How to drive him wild."
* Thanks, but I don't need the enhancement "medications," either.
* I'm glad you seem to have abandoned the Nigerian prince thing (Nigeria is a federal constitutional republic and does not have princes), but I really don't buy the whole "obscure-relative-leaving-me-a-fortune-in-deepest-Africa" scenario, either. My ancestors came from various shtetls in Eastern Europe. If you think they had anything to pass down to me, you're even more gullible than you think I am.
* No, I'm not going to click through in a panic because you say there's a problem with my PNC Bank account. I don't have a PNC bank account.
* Don't try it with the bank I do have an account with, either. I'll go straight to their web site without touching your link, thanks. Then I'll report you.
* "This message comes to you from (E-MAIL PROVIDER)"? Seriously? "E-MAIL PROVIDER"? In parentheses? You're not even trying anymore.
* No, I don't actually need a loan from someone I've never heard of. But thanks for asking.
* I don't want to see your "pictures," and I don't really believe you're a lonely but beautiful woman just hear (sic) from Bulgaria looking for true love. I'm married, anyway. But you're really a guy in an undershirt in Missouri hoping you can phish my credit card numbers. You can't.
* The messages in all Hebrew? I appreciate your taking note of my last name, but I don't read Hebrew. Not since 1970. And then only because we'd already booked the catering hall.
* "Hello, Dearest" isn't going to make it as a subject line for me. Even the people I hold dearest don't address me like that.
* No, I don't need a job, thanks, and I don't want to be a mystery shopper, anyway. Nice try, though.
* There is a 0% chance I--or anyone else--will believe there is such a thing as the "Coca-Cola Lottery."
* Not interested in your "business proposal."
* If I were indeed your "dearest friend," odds are I'd recognize your name.
* I'm a writer, so words and such mean quite a bit to me. Misspellings, bad punctuation and simply ridiculous syntax just alert me to the fact that you're lying. Don't insult my intelligence. Lie to me with a little dignity next time.
P.S. Pitchers and catchers report in 11 days.
That looks like my spam folder as well! (except I get messages saying I have won the US lottery - really? oooh lucky, lucky me [sarcasm mode entered], oh and the British Lottery is drawn twice a week).
Posted by: KnyttWytch | February 09, 2015 at 07:29 AM
I was exceptionally disappointed when those 760 British Pounds weren't deposited in my bank account. Oh, well. Guess I'll just have to keep working.
Posted by: Alice Duncan | February 09, 2015 at 12:06 PM
Wonderfully funny..as is to be expected from someone is so humorous that he makes little old ladies fall down the steps
I must state that I was rather suspicious of Queen Elizabeth II wanting to give me a fortune. I've been to London four times and she never even invited me to tea.
P.S. loved your "collaboration" with Mr. Copperman. Can't decide which one of you is the most talented.
Posted by: Doris Ann Norris | February 09, 2015 at 12:15 PM
You've been peeking at my gmail junk folder again, haven't you? I sent away for a T-shirt that said "More Fool I" on the front, but it never came.
Posted by: Richard R. | February 09, 2015 at 05:41 PM
Cute, Jeff. I get all those, but you missed the FBI, IRS, EZPass, and the Arabic and Korean spam that I keep getting. I have no clue what they want and don't care. LOL
Posted by: Pat Marinelli | February 09, 2015 at 11:49 PM
How about the ones that assure you that that they are not spam.
Posted by: Michele | February 10, 2015 at 02:36 AM
It's actually possible to win the British lottery four times a week. Possibly even five. Very unlikely - about 14 million to one, I think - but possible.
I keep getting demands to appear in court from 'lawyers' in New England. These spammers are no better at geography than at syntax and spelling.
Posted by: Lynne Patrick | February 11, 2015 at 06:33 AM
Sure, it’s possible to win four times a week. But… EVERY WEEK?
Posted by: Jeff Cohen | February 11, 2015 at 06:44 AM
Why do I get dozens of emails offering a giant member that will keep women ecstatic? Do they know something mama never told me? Christine
Posted by: Christine | February 11, 2015 at 10:23 PM