Quick Shots

Jeff Cohen

For reasons that defy explanation I spent some time going back over my own Facebook and Twitter posts last week. Don't worry; I haven't been hacked and nobody's suing me (as far as I know). But it did lead to a few short pieces I sort of liked that didn't show up anywhere else and didn't have another forum until now.

In other words, I didn't have a post for this week.

So here are a few highlights in case you're not connected with me on Twitter or Facebook. (If you'd like to be, click here or here!):

It weirds me out when people post Happy Birthday wishes to dead celebrities. How happy is it going to be for them, really?
The Man From U.N.C.L.E. movie opens next week. As a fan of the original series, I'm going to start not seeing it now.
Bruce Springsteen: "I'm sick of sittin' 'round here, tryin' to write this book."
Me: "I'm sick of sittin' 'round here, tryin' to sing this song."
After decades of careful observation and deep thought, I have come to an irrefutable conclusion: People are crazy.
In keeping with current trends I'm releasing a new Aaron Tucker novel, Go Set Your Watch, in which it is revealed that Aaron is really a six-foot-tall Protestant with no sense of humor.
What bothers me is more people seem to believe in a zombie apocalypse than in a climate change crisis.
I have never considered Mickey Mouse an interesting character. Give me Bugs Bunny every time.
This Wednesday will be my 30th anniversary as a freelancer. I wonder what I'm getting me as a gift.
I have as much self-discipline as the next guy, assuming the next guy is Bart Simpson.
I don't care how many years it's been, Ferris Bueller was a smug spoiled rich entitled brat who deserved comeuppance, not lionization.
You're making a western about a guy and his three sons on a ranch called the Ponderosa. So where does BONANZA come from?
I don't drink whiskey. Anything that tastes that bad should at least make you stop coughing.
I have determined after exhaustive research that "Sunrise Sunset" is the most depressing song ever written.
The only way you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps is if you're hanging by your feet.
I mean, who names their kid "Opie," anyway? "Opie Taylor for the defense, your honor." Just not a good idea.
Today I attended a faculty retreat. I wanted to make it a faculty advance, but apparently there weren't any other colleges we wanted to invade.
The movie I'm REALLY waiting desperately to see? ISRAELI SNIPER: The Dr. Ruth Story.
I get emails from the chief of the Rutgers police department every now and again. His name is Kenneth B. Cop. I can't tell you how happy that makes me.
Most baffling movie title ever: Beach Blanket Bingo. What does that even MEAN?
After the shark eats Robert Shaw in JAWS, he doesn't get the guy stuffed and mounted on a piece of driftwood to hang on his wall. All I'm sayin'.
I'll listen to an audiobook of the Bible, but only if it's read by the author.
Whatever happened to Centigrade?
I don't believe in dumplings. I've never seen anyone dumple.
Why aren't they called "bakies"?
Yes, you said that out loud. Can we retire that joke now?
I don't get a wax museum. I've always wanted there to be a wick coming out of each of the statues' heads.
I'm not good at living in the moment. I can live in the epoch.
You can't become a writer. You either are or you're not. You can become a GOOD writer.
Can we have a list of Republicans NOT running for president? It would be so much quicker.
Cheap horror movie idea: VILLAGE OF THE DARNED. It stars sock puppets.
We should acknowledge that anyone who thinks s/he is qualified to be President of the U.S. must be crazy and is therefore ineligible.
Has it never occurred to anyone else that Santa Claus is Jewish? Who else works Christmas Eve?
It's hard for me to respect any man who voluntarily wears a tie every day to work.
If there's anything older than yesterday's news, it's yesterday's sports news.
Do you think anyone ever called Vincent Price "Vinnie"?
Radical idea: How about we commemorate Memorial Day by considering the idea that maybe there's a better way to solve our problems than war?
After the war on terror, can we go after melancholy? I hate that emotion.
I had this great tweet I was going to use last night. But I've forgotten it. Trust me, it was hilarious.
Quite frankly, anyone who can't believe it's not butter needs to try butter.
He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. I think there's a case to be made that Santa Claus works for the NSA.
People have to stop saying, "Merry Christmas Eve." I'm sure my daughter Eve is flattered, but we're Jewish.
The analysis just came back. As it turns out, Soylent Green is actually made from kelp. Sorry.
Stop trying to change the world. The world is fine. Change the people. They're the ones messing everything up.
Nobody has a normal life.