Death--Real Death--and Prejudice

Jeff Cohen

I went to a funeral a little over a week ago, one of a woman I didn't know well but well enough. One of her daughters is the closest friend of my daughter, and that was more than enough for me to want to pay my respects.

As it happens, this woman was one who fell in love with and lived with another woman. They didn't stay together forever, but they did remain close and raised their two daughters together. They set good examples and instilled excellent values--fairness, honesty, compassion--in their children. I can't tell you much about the deceased (and I am sorry about that) other than what I heard in the eulogies and observed the few times we met, but I can tell you about her children, and they are lovely, among the most admirable people of any age I know.

The two women who raised them were not legally able, in the years they were together, to marry in the state where I live (or at that time, any other). They did not have the protection of the government in many areas. Had the illness that took her happened even when the two women were raising their lovely daughters, there would have been no guarantee that one could have even visited the other in the hospital. There was no provision to share health care insurance coverage. Had it happened when the children were under the age of 18, custody could certainly have become an issue--the girls might have been taken from their mother.

Now, I am not a man of faith but I do respect those who are. And I believe in your right to think whatever you think. I even respect your right to assert these two women were living some kind of abhorrent lifestyle that you think they chose or could have reversed with some willpower or fervent prayer. You can believe as you believe.

You might think your book of faith would condemn these two women. You might think they are an accident of nature or that they are sinners who should have turned their backs on their own nature and repented. Perhaps any objection you have is not at all faith-based but rooted in a belief that there is a natural order to things and these people flew in the face of that. You are entitled to those views as I am entitled to mine.

But if you were to have met either of their daughters, seen what kind of young women they are, and then have seen the pain in their eyes when they had to lay one of their mothers to rest, I think you might come to the same conclusion that I would have already reached:

You're just wrong.

 

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Comments

[Marilyn Thiele]

Jeff, I've read this several times over several days. I keep trying to see if I missed something. There's no way around it; it seems you believe that all of us who have faith are in the condemnors' camp. Many, I would say most, people of true faith, no matter the "religion" to which they belong, feel that love is the overriding tenet to be observed. The final commandment given in my particular faith was "Love one another." I am getting truly tired of everyone assuming that the loud-mouth bigots who wrap themselves in a "relgious" aura when they only seek power and control speak for the rest of us. Two people who love each other and do their best to raise children who have a healthy and moral view of life (and by moral, I mean treating everyone with respect and consideration) are called parents, and it doesn't matter how the genders mix and match. We all face the same s***. And judgment is way above my pay grade, or any other human's.Please don't generalize about people of faith any more than you would a racial, ethnic, geographic or gender group. We are a mixed bunch, imperfect and doing our best to love. The ones who feel called to criticize others' lifestyle are generally called "hypocrites."

[Jeff Cohen]

I’m sorry if I gave that impression, Marilyn, but that’s not what I was saying. I was saying that SOME who condemn cite their faith as a reason. You’ll note that I do say in the piece that it might have nothing to do with one’s religion at all. I do not ever believe that all people of one faith or another have the same feelings about ANYTHING. So please accept my apology if you took it that way, but it was not how the words were intended.

[Marilyn Thiele]

The reason I reread your post several times, and that it troubled me all week was that it seemed out of character for you. You are also never clumsy with words. Perhaps I am overly sensitive on this topic since so many are using religious cover to spew their hate. I am comfortable now that I know that what you meant and what I perceived were not the same. And that you haven't changed; you never were intolerant of any group (except maybe Red Sox fans, but we'll stay away from that one!)Apology, although unnecessary, accepted. The explanation was what I needed.

[Jeff Cohen]

I am not intolerant of Red Sox fans. I am disgusted with Red Sox fans. It’s a whole different thing. Thanks. I would never suggest that all people of faith are also intolerant. That is not what I believe.