Back By Popular Indifference: How To Tell If You're a Nazi

Jeff Cohen

Since the horrific events that took place in Charlottesville, VA (a lovely town I have enjoyed visiting a number of times) we've seen a rather baffling trend: People (let's face it, men) who marched in that demonstration complaining loudly on the internet that because their pictures have been circulating showing them carrying torches and screaming under various disgusting banners, everyone now believes they are Nazis.

Thats because you are, dude.

What this puzzling phenomenon indicates is that there are people (yeah, men) out there who honestly don't know whether or not they are Nazis, white supremacists, racists, anti-Semites, Confederate apologists or, just for emphasis, Nazis. So I'm here today, breaking from the crime fiction tradition, to try and offer some assistance.

10 Ways to Tell if You're a Nazi

1. If you're marching during a white power rally, there's a pretty decent chance you're a Nazi.
2. If the swell fellas you're marching with are wearing swastikas, you need to assume you're a Nazi.
3. If at any point you scream out the word,"Jew" for any other reason than to invite someone to a seder, yes, you are.
4. Look to your left. Look to your right. Are the men on either side wearing khakis and white polo shirts and carrying tiki torches? Bingo, my friend. You're a Nazi or the best LL Bean sales rep in history.
5. Have you shown up to "protest the removal of a Confederate monument?" You might not be a Nazi. You might only be a racist. That's bad too, in case you're wondering.
6. If your only quarrel with our current president is that his daughter married a Jewish man, stop reading now. You're a Nazi.
7. Everyone you're marching with is male? It's possible you're not a Nazi, but the smart money is betting you are.
8. You've come to a "peaceful protest" carrying six firearms and a hunting knife? Maybe you're a Nazi and maybe you're not, but I don't want to hang around with you.
9. You thought the problem with The Producers was we didn't get to see the rest of Springtime For Hitler? Check yes off on the card next to "Nazi."
10. If you think anyone who isn't exactly like you is inferior, remember that Indiana Jones was a white dude and he said, "Nazis. I hate these guys."

Just in case you looked this over and suddenly realized, "Oh, no! I'm a Nazi!", don't worry. The one thing about being a Nazi that's good is that you can stop anytime you like. Take this opportunity to reconsider your choices, you alliances and your beliefs about ethnic groups. By this time tomorrow you could easily NOT be a Nazi!

The events in Charlottesville were deplorable (to coin a term) and inexcusable. The ideas being espoused there were equally awful and need to be addressed and condemned by everyone. Everyone. The best disinfectant, it is said, is sunlight. Good. Let's shed some light on these misguided, uninformed, angry humans who have chosen the worst possible outlet for their frustration. Evil is something that is cultivated. We need to stop this evil before it grows any larger.

Next week, no more Nazis or preaching. But I needed to say it.

Comments

[Linda Rodriguez]

Loud applause!

[Yvette]

Well said Jeff. But despite the seriousness of the subject matter, you still made me laugh. Am I hopeless and deranged?

[Jeff Cohen]

No, Yvette. Blazing Saddles is about racism. If you don’t laugh, then you’re hopeless or deranged.

[Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt]

It is hard to believe that an adult can behave that way and NOT realize it means he thinks himself both white and superior to all others because of this accident of birth.

It is said that the thing they fear the most is genetic analysis of their DNA.

[Polly Iyer]

Great post. You left out: if you have a copy of Mein Kampf on your bedside table, you're a Nazi.

[Jeff Cohen]

It’s a copy of Hitler’s speeches and I’m sure our president refers back to them in his White House bedroom. In case you weren’t disgusted enough.