Snow. Enemy of All That Is Good

From a much bigger snow

Jeff Cohen

I hate snow.

There was snow in my area this past weekend, and that is unacceptable. It wasn't even a lot of snow. In fact, this was as easy-to-ignore a snow "event" as I can imagine that would measure above a dusting. But it was only early December and we'd had 60-degree weather three days before, so that snow was unacceptable.

To be honest, any snow is unacceptable in my view. I don't see the appeal. It's cold, it's wet and it falls in places I can't use it, like everywhere, but specifically the pavement in front of and around my home. I have no argument with snow in the Arctic and Antarctic for a number of reasons: First of all, I'm fond of our planet and would not like to see humanity go extinct. Second, I don't live in either of those places and am not being asked to shovel them. Snow in Iceland? You knew what you were asking for when you decided to live in a place called "Iceland." (And yes, I know all about the theory of Greenland being the worse one because the Vikings had a well-documented impish sense of humor and I still invite anyone who believes that to go to Reykjavik in January and see how it goes.)

Oh, but snow is beautiful, I imagine the delusional Snow-ists say. Yeah. So are giraffes but I don't ask one into my house. They don't belong here. The same is true of snow. If I thought it was so lovely that I could just spend hours staring at it, I could buy a coffee table book about penguins and get snow as an add-on. 

It's been my experience that people who think snow is beautiful and that the aesthetics justify its existence are almost never the people who have to go outside and deal with it. They're either those sitting indoors with a lovely cup of cocoa watching someone else labor heavily in frigid temperatures or they're skiers, who through their very desire to go hurtling into freezing mountain winds through trees and other hazards at 20 miles an hour wearing no protection other than a woolen hat with a pompom on it prove themselves to be demented.

And yes, it has been suggested to me more than once that I move to a climate without snow. Strangely, real estate values in those areas are disproportionately high. Must be the school systems or something because snow is so beautiful surely everyone but me would want to live near it, no?

For a number of years now I have been posting the following message on social media whenever the first significant snowfall of the year is predicted in central New Jersey: Anyone who tells me how beautiful snow is will be required to show up at my house and shovel my driveway. It is not meant to be taken as a joke and I believe those who read it understand that. Oddly, my friends and relatives--some of whom are in the snow-deluded category--have perfect records of not discussing their views with me. Not one has appeared ready to back up their insane belief with some plowing. And here they thought the stuff was so gorgeous; you'd think they'd want to get as close to it as possible.

So do me a favor and don't try to convince me there's anything good about snow. There isn't. If this weekend's little squall was a harbinger of a rough winter in the Middle Atlantic region, don't expect me to be cheerful. (In fact, don't expect that either way--I'm a rather celebrated grump during the winter.) 

Snow should be illegal. At least where I live. 

 

Pitchers and catchers report in 64 days.

 

Comments

[NoraAdrienne]

Hey Jeff, I totally agree with the snow comments. Did you know that 1 inch of rain = 10 inches of snow? So if the weather stayed above let's say 35 degrees all winter you'd only need a rain coat and galoshes to get around. LOL

[Lynne Patrick]

Couldn't agree more, Jeff. We currently have about three inches outside my house - OK, so no need to shovel it away, but it's still slippery and dangerous. And no, it's not beautiful unless it's a long, long way away. And snow means it's COLD!

[Jeff Cohen]

Give it a couple of years, Nora.